Colombia, MO – Mitchell Reems, a substitute teacher for Missouri’s Public School District 134, was taken into custody after allegedly punching two 16 year-old students in the face earlier this week. Reems, 36, was subbing at Rockhurst High School in Pierpont, a suburb of Colombia, on Monday, January 17th, when an altercation broke out during his 7th period pre-calculus class, and reportedly resulted in Reems socking 16 year-olds Dougie Reynolds, and Tucker Fryman, square in the face.
Reems, who was released from the Pierpont jail Tuesday on a $100 bond, doesn’t deny punching the teens. “Oh yeah, I punched ‘em,” Reems said. “I punched the hell outta ‘em. And I’d do it again, too,” he added. When asked what could have possibly set off such a violent reaction from someone entrusted with our children’s safety, Reems claimed it was a “combination of things.” “Well, I’m doing roll call,” Reems recalled, “when I get to the ‘Rs’ and there’s some asshole on there named ‘Dougie’. Dougie! I mean, I can tolerate a ‘Billy’, a ‘Tommy’, I even knew a ‘Stevie’ once who wasn’t a complete shithead. But ‘Dougie’? No. That’s too retarded. I just couldn’t let that slide. So I look up, you know, to get a good look at the little shit, and he’s just got one of those faces … a face you just wanna fuckin’ punch silly. Like John Travolta combined with Roseanne Barr. So right from the start of class I’m just seething at this kid. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he wears glasses, or that he pretended not to hear when I called his name so I had to say ‘Dougie’ twice. I could just tell he was fucking with me from the get-go.”
Reems found it difficult to control his disdain for a snot-nosed little punk like Dougie Reynolds, and as the 40-minute class rolled on Reems contempt soon began to manifest itself. “We were watching some movie about Donald Duck explaining math or some shit, I honestly can’t remember because I was so focused on hating this cocky asshole, with his beady little eyes hiding behind those loser glasses. And the way he wore his hair in a pompous part, like he was better then me or something,” Reems said. “Then, we’re watching this movie and everything’s fine, when all of a sudden shit-for-brains decides he’s tired and lays his head down on his desk. That’s when I just lost it.”
Reynolds, home “sick” from school, was reached in his dumpy, smelly trailer and confirms Reems’ story. “At first Mr. Reems refused to say my name. When he got to my name in roll call he just mumbled something under his breath and went on to the next guy before I could even respond,” claimed Reynolds, crying like a little bitch on his dilapidated sofa as he recalled the experience. “I had to ask him if he called my name, because I couldn’t hear what he said. Then he shouted my name as loud as he could and stared at me for like, a minute or two, before resuming roll.” Reynolds, who is 16 and still can’t even accurately gauge time and has definitely never kissed a girl, went on to describe the rest of class as he remembers it. “We had been watching that Virtual Calculus Tutor movie for like, I dunno, fifteen minutes when I got a little tired and leaned my head on my hand. For whatever reason, that just sent Mr. Reems off. He dropped his magazine, walked over to my desk, and punched me in the face,” Reynolds managed to say before erupting in a spasm of uncontrollable weeping.
Fortunately, we needn’t rely solely on the testimony of an ugly, poor, and emotionally unstable 16 year-old dipshit like Dougie Reynolds, as there are other accounts of what went down. Reems remembers the events quite vividly. “After that twerp had basically declared himself too good to learn math, I set down the book I was reading on rocket science and went over to calmly address the issue,” said Reems, speaking clearly and deliberately unlike Reynolds who couldn’t stop whining and wiping his nose like a pussy. Reems continued, “As soon as I got there, fuckin’ Dougie was all like, ‘Ahhhhh’ and, ‘Mrrrrmmm’, so I did what any reasonable person would do when confronted with a prick named Dougie, I unleashed my fists on his crooked little face.”
Another student in the class verified Reems’ story. Paul Allen, 17, thought the whole incident was all pretty crazy. “It was all pretty crazy,” said Allen, who, with his broad shoulders and feathered hair is obviously very well liked and probably the school’s quarterback. “I mean, teacher just sorta went after Dougie and started punching at him,” Allen said, echoing Reems sentiment that ‘Dougie’ is a really stupid name and anyone with the name deserves to be punched in the face.
As the dust from the scuffle in the classroom began to settle, Reems picked up Reynolds, who was now deservedly lying on the floor barely hanging onto consciousness, and threw him out in the hall. That’s when Tucker Fryman rose from his desk and started to walk to the hall to help his “friend”. Recalls Fryman, “I just wanted to make sure Dougie was still alive.”
Reems wasn’t about to have another kid with a questionable name interrupt his class again. “This other kid, not quite as dopey as the first one, starts to walk towards me like he wants to fight or something,” said Reems. “I ask him what he’s doing and he spits some lie about wanting to help his ‘friend’. Yeah right, I think to myself. Obviously that Dougie kid doesn’t, and never will, have any friends, or should anyone named Dougie ever have any friends. So I ask this bullshitter what his name is, and he’s like, ‘I’m Tucker’. Well, bullshit, I think to myself. This kid is clearly just trying to ditch class and give me a fake name so he doesn’t get into trouble. A ‘Tucker’ in Missouri is so painfully obvious, so cliché, it really wasn’t hard to see right through his lie. So, without any further thought, I peel back and just drop the fucking pussy with one punch. Turns out his name really was Tucker.” It’s hard to blame Reems for his response, considering he believed Fryman was attempting to insult his intelligence by giving a fake name. However, Reems should have known that clichés and stereotypes exist for a reason, mainly, that they are based in truth and are more often then not pretty accurate. Therefore, it stands to reason that ‘Tucker’ is actually a pretty common name in Missouri; and that there was a high probability that Fryman’s parents are lazy hicks that would name their son ‘Tucker’. Still, anyone that would try to help, or, even worse, consciously befriend someone named ‘Dougie’ should be pummeled in the face.
As it stands today, Reems faces charges of two counts of aggravated assault on a minor. Reems, however, is not fazed by the charges levied against him. “People will forget about this whole thing in two, maybe, maybe three weeks,” he believes. When asked if he feels any remorse for his actions, Reems takes the high road. “I feel kinda bad about hitting that Tucker kid – is that really his name? Are we sure that’s his name? I'm still not totally convinced. Anyway, I feel a little bad about that, but, in my opinion, the good I did in beating the shit outta that Dougie asswipe far outweighs the one small bad thing I did.” Indeed Reems may have a point. After all, he has history on his side. In the mid-1800s, when Mormons were really pissing the good people of Missouri off with their bigamy, over-kindness, and blonde hair, Missouri passed Executive Order 44, or the “Mormon Extermination Order.” The law, passed in 1838, was based upon the belief that it may be wrong to physically murder another human being, however, if that human being was really, I mean really, asking for it, then, sure, go ahead and murder him. With that in mind, Reems sums it up best, “if someone named Dougie, especially someone named Dougie with a face like that kid’s, isn’t asking to be socked in the jaw, I don’t know who is.”
-Pete Higgins
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