CNN Headline-1/20/2011
TRANSLYVANIA – Pop Queen Lady Gaga made an unprecedented career choice today when she fired longtime creative director, Michael Guzman, and relinquished all of his responsibility to her monster. It is the first time in the music industry’s history that a non-human life-form has been granted such profound influence on a star.
Gaga’s monster, known to the public as Gargatron, has been on Team Gaga since the beginning, though staying primarily in the shadows. For years, Gargatron lurked in the closets and under the beds of millions of Americans, ranging from confused pre-teen girls, to twenty-something metro-sexual men. Though Gargatron has never actually been “seen” he is said to be green and scaly, stand over eight feet tall, have more then two-thousand razor sharp teeth, and sport an eccentric haircut that is all the rage in Europe but hasn’t really caught on yet stateside. He is credited with inspiring several of Her Highness’s famously outlandish costumes. In fact, the meat suit Her Highness wore to the 2010 VMAs was made entirely of Central Park animals Gargatron had killed earlier that afternoon.
While Gargatron is the first non-human life-form to bear this amount of creative influence, he is far from the first non-human to hold such a role. Keith Richards has long since relinquished his creative responsibility to drugs and alcohol, namely, a drug of Richards’ own invention called “triple-fright”. In a 1976 interview Richards claimed, “meff, down, coke, the real . . . weight of it. Blow, the booze, four, but really all just triple-fright for years now.” This keen insight to the life of a true hero shows how even as far back as 1976 Richards had started to turn his creative process over to triple-fright. The rap game saw it’s own creative process take a dramatic turn when most rappers handed their creative influence over to robots at the start of the new millennium. It’s hard to pinpoint which rapper first had the foresight to give up on rhyme structure, making socially provocative music, and general self-awareness, as prominent names like Chingy, Juvenile, and Three-Six Mafia all deserve at least some of the blam-err, credit.
Handing over the creative reigns to a monster like Gargatron seems to be the next logical step in the evolution of creativity in music. At the press conference to announce this monumental news, Her Highness was clearly in character the whole time, putting on her best “Poker Face” while she stared blankly at reporters and let a bit of drool make its way down her chin. Longtime PR Director Emilio (no last name) announced the decision, and somberly answered questions for the anxious media. (no last name) began by reading a statement from Her Highness. “We are here today blah, blah blah let go Michael Guzman. We wish him the best blah, blah, blah. Um . . . and now, we’re gonna announce that the position of Creative Director to Ms. Gaga will go to Gargatron, her monster,” (no last name) declared amidst much uprising and general calamity amongst the media members. The statement concluded: “We arrive at this decision after countless minutes of deliberation, and it’s probably best for everyone, I–we think.”
A clearly disinterested (no last name) then opened up the press conference for a quick Q&A session. One of the most poignant questions asked concerned Her Highness’s dance moves and whether they’d continue to be so risqué under the new regime, to which (no last name) answered, “Yeah, whatever. What do you think, Brian.” When asked why Gargatron wasn’t at his (or her, or it, really, as we have no way of knowing whether Gargatron even has a sex, though it’s a pretty good guess that it’s a man, seeing as how monsters are powerful, like men) own press conference, (no last name) deferred the question and instead asked everyone to start clapping their hands and stomping their feet because Lady Gaga was about to perform her new song “Eat My Pussy Dry (And Bleeding)”.
Gargatron assumes creative responsibility immediately and anticipates a seamless transition.
-Pete Higgins
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