CNN Headline-1/27/2011
Washington D.C. – A federal panel investigating the financial crisis that began in 2008 finally reached a conclusion on Thursday. The FCIC – or Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission – released a statement Thursday morning that will finally allow American citizens and politicians alike to rest easy for the first time since the crisis began three years ago. The results were released Thursday morning by commission chairman, Phil Angelides, who chose the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to explain his conclusion following a three-year investigation.
After introducing the other members of the panel, and explaining the dramatic sequence of events that led to the formation of the FCIC, as well as briefly commenting on Kevin Durant’s total dominance in last night’s Oklahoma City Thunder game, Angelides proceeded with the results of the investigation. “We conclude first and foremost,” speaking in a profoundly triumphant tone, “that the crisis was in fact, avoidable!” Angelides reportedly then raised his hands to the sky, as one hundred doves were released into the air behind him, along with 10,000 balloons, and a 10 minute fireworks display. Although the doves appeared to symbolize the peace Americans can now live under after hearing of the panel’s conclusion, no one appeared to notice that at no time did the chairman even bring up the fact that this crisis was in no way anywhere near over.
The statement was received extremely well, with an enormous ovation from an audience that included over 200,000 citizens, all of whom seemingly called in sick to work in order to be in attendance for the monumental declaration. CNN, Fox News, and numerous other national news outlets had reporters and cameramen on hand at the event, which was also broadcasted on all major network television stations, taking the place of many of the day’s normal daytime talk shows. ESPN even cancelled its presentation of the Australian Open to broadcast what the sports station labeled, “The Announcement”.
Area woman Bethany Abel, of neighboring Georgetown, responded to Angelides’ statement with feelings both of comfort and closure. “I’m just so relieved,” the 64 year old mother of three said with a smile. “I literally can not stop myself from crying. I know it was only 2008 when two and a half million of our country’s citizens lost their jobs... but to me it feels like it’s been years!” Abel then hugged each of her three children, whom she pulled out of school specifically to witness Angelides’ speech. “It just feels so good to finally know, after all of this time, that something could have been done…” Abel continued to answer questions, although she was seemingly dismissive of the fact that the chairman offered no concrete evidence that the financial catastrophe could have been prevented. Nor was she willing to comment on the fact that no solution whatsoever had been suggested that could dig this effectively doomed nation out of this recession.
The chairman's unwarranted sense of accomplishment carried on throughout the rest of the speech, which continued for nearly three more hours after the initial “announcement”. He then continued to name numerous other catastrophic events in American history that could have been prevented, had the appropriate authorities taken the necessary precautions. “We’re not stopping at the financial crisis of 2008, oh no…”the commissioner began, “We’re going to make sure disasters throughout American history were totally preventable as well!” Angelides then went on a rant of sorts, listing off numerous cataclysms which he thinks could have been avoided, including the BP oil spill, 9/11, Jared Fogle, years 1983-1986, M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening, and the entire state of North Dakota.
The ceremony closed with a brief statement by President Obama, who announced that even though he had nothing to do with appointing the members of this committee, he’s happy that the work they put in and that the millions of dollars in taxpayers money spent on the project were absolutely worth it. The statement was followed, as all statements by Obama are, with a short concert put on by Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys.
-Ian Swanson
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