Rumors began to originate after Palin’s daughter, Bristol, appeared on the television show Dancing with the Stars and demonstrated – to near perfection – the loop-swirl-dip move Reagan had widely been known to pull with Nancy at numerous parties, galas, and balls. Bristol certainly didn’t help matters when in a post-performance interview said, “I owe it all to my mom and dad. The Dutc– I mean my mom, taught me every dance move she knows.”
Rumors really gained momentum when Reagan’s widow, Nancy, insinuated to Variety magazine that Reagan may still be alive when she said, “Ronnie is the greatest actor to ever live.” This possible insight only emboldens years of speculation that Reagan staged his death in 2004 as some sort of meta-theatrical last bow. Noted thespian and dramatologist Scott Pardue offers this explanation, “All the best performers stage their own death, one way or another. Tupac, Elvis, Machiavelli, all the greats do it. It is the ultimate in performance art, to fake one’s own death, to tug at the heart strings of the public, to raise your fists to the sky and scream at the heavens, ‘You cannot, you will not, control me!’, to…” Pardue went on like this for several more minutes before finally wrapping up with this intriguing perspective, “Reagan was the master of his craft when he auditioned for “President”. “President” during the 80s would have been the role of a lifetime, or of the decade at least. The only way Reagan could possibly have topped his part as “President of America”, was to fake his own death and come back years later as a woman and run for office once more. It’s all so very Shakespearean. It’s dramatic purity, certainly more intrinsically satisfying then anything he ever could have done on the silver screen or in the Oval Office.”
As for Palin, she first disregarded the rumors, refusing even to acknowledge them, saying, “I refuse to even acknowledge such silliness.” But as evidence began to build the nation’s questions could no longer be brushed aside. Finally, Palin agreed to go on Good Morning America where she produced baby pictures, a birth certificate, and even did a dozen or so jumping-jacks. “How could I possibly be Ronald Reagan? He’d be almost 90 years old now. There’s no way a 90 year old man could do this many jumping-jacks – I’m already up to over, like, a hundred!” Palin exclaimed. “Look at my face! See? I’m not lying! Ronald Reagan was a great man and a great President, but his head had to be at least twice as big as mine. There’s no way he could have shrunk his head to my size. It’s a physical impossibility.” The nation marveled at Palin’s use of a six-syllable word, before collectively deciding that she clearly doesn’t know what it means and someone must have told her to say it. As for the evidence Palin displayed – the baby pictures and birth certificate – one need only make a simple phone call to Mexico to obtain similar “evidence”.
Alas, Palin’s Good Morning America interview did little to quell the rumors, as evidenced by yesterday’s press conference and the ensuing events. While the grotesque image of Palin’s vagina has been seared onto America’s cerebral cortex, and rumors have widely quieted over the last 24 hours, some remain doubtful. Pardue, for one, doesn’t always believe what he sees. “Who’s to say that was even a real vagina? They can work utter magic with CGI today. Magic. I mean, did you see ‘Inception’? Crazy!”
-Pete Higgins
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