Man Seeks To Colonize The Ocean Floor

CNN Headline-1/12/2011

Seatac, WA – Area man Steven Cherwin shocked family members this weekend when he announced he will be leaving his modest 5 bedroom home to embark on a 3 month long expedition, during which he intends to colonize the entire Pacific Ocean floor.  Cherwin, 31, who shares the basement bedroom of the same house he grew up in with his parents’ two Labradors, seems entirely convinced that spontaneously quitting his job at the bowling alley for the adventure of oceanic exploration is absolutely the right thing to do.  “I always knew that I wanted to be a hero,” Cherwin said in statement made earlier in the day.  “I’m happy that now people are finally starting to understand how important I am to this country.”  Cherwin, who apparently already thinks he has accomplished something by claiming he’s going to colonize the 17,700 KM-wide ocean floor as America’s 51^st state, seems to be planning his underwater excursion with little to no scuba diving experience what-so-ever.

“He wants to do what?” his father asked, seemingly unsurprised, when we reached out to him earlier for a statement.  “I honestly don’t even think the little fucker ever learned to swim.”  This isn’t stopping Steven though, who appears completely unfazed by the threat of drowning, and instead chose to delve into how he came upon the idea for underwater migration.

“I got the idea when I was playing Tomb-Raider with my friend Tommy.  We were on an underwater level, and Tommy was like, ‘dude Laura Croft is fuckin hot’, and that’s when I knew.”  Cherwin says he plans to embark on his journey sometime over the next week or month or something, which most likely means whenever his parents kick him out for no longer having a job.  “I always knew I wanted to serve my country in some way,” Cherwin said, “and when I found out that the army doesn’t let you in if you’ve been arrested for crashing a bike naked down an escalator, I figured aquatic expeditionary work was the next best thing.  One day there will probably be a statue of me somewhere, with a big sword or something to show how heroic I was.”  These were literally Cherwin’s last words as he wandered down the beach and into the ocean, with nothing more than the cloths on his back and 12 McDonalds straws connected together sticking out of his mouth. 

When asked for comment later that day, Cherwin’s former boss at the bowling alley stated, “That’s the best idea that moron’s ever had.  In fact, I think about a third of this country should attempt the colonization of the ocean floor.  In doing so, they would truly be doing what’s best for America.”

                -Ian Swanson