CNN Headline-1/20/2011
Polk City, IA-Local man Tom Bush released a statement today, that he’s made the decision to bring the Lil’ Rangers back together again for a reunion celebration nearly 20 years after the Gulf War. Bush coached the Lil’ Rangers historic little league team, and also acted as President of the Polk County DYBA from 1989-1994, when his son, Tommy Jr. was voted spirit award winner on all 5 consecutive summers. “There was a lot going on in the world at that time, what with the Gulf War and all,” said Bush, “and I know that getting the gang back together after all these years would really help everyone remember just how much the ‘91 8 and 9 year old division meant. Not just to the kids, but to the entire town.”
President Bush continued to ramble for several hours, reminiscing over and over about how awesome the Lil’ Rangers were, and how they totally dominated his then-neighbor Nagadeesh Aknar’s team, the Tigers. “I remember it all like it was yesterday” began Bush. “The Gulf War was just about to end, and we were absolutely stomping Achmed’s stupid team by at least 20 or 30 runs.” By the middle of the 4th inning, the Lil’ Rangers were up by a massacring 24-0 lead over the Tigers. And despite the umpire’s numerous requests to call the game due to the league’s 10-run slaughter rule, the President vetoed the request, authoritatively exercising his executive power and allowing the game to continue until the end of the final 7th inning.
Aknar, though difficult to reach, did not mince words when asked about his final thoughts of the historic game. “That was without a doubt the smallest amount of power that anyone in the world has ever abused,” said Aknar, a Pakistani doctor that immigrated to America with his wife and children in 1983. “I honestly was beside myself with rage. Not only did the bastard fix the pre-season draft so he could stack his team with all the biggest and fastest kids in the town, but he totally overturned the exact rules he himself promised us he’d enforce.” Aknar recalled how nearly every player on his team was crying by the end of the game, and many had threats made against their mommies and pets throughout the contest.
The younger Bush remembers the game as well, and appeared to share his father’s enthusiasm about the emotionally destructive contest. “Of course I remember that game, and no fucking way am I sorry about it,” Bush Jr. said, pausing periodically to spit bits of snuff into a ripped open can of Natural Light. “The way I seen it, if those pussies didn’t want to be embarrassed, they should have brought some bats to the field and actually made a game of it.” But Bush Jr. apparently didn’t let the antagonizing stop when the game finally ended seven hours after it started. He and several other Lil’ Rangers visited the houses of several of the Tigers players later that night, and stormed the once-peaceful homes in a hail of rotten eggs and TP. There were also numerous reports of racial slurs being hollered during the attacks, with the phrase “We don’ take kindly” heard over 150 times in a 10 minute period.
Bush Sr. also seems remorseless over the mental genocide, implying that showing any signs of sympathy towards the opposing team would have been somehow admitting national inferiority. “We were America’s team, and we weren’t about to let some flag burnin’, slurpy servin’, pube-faced mother fuckers destroy this here great nation.” When asked whether any of the now grown up members of the ’91 Rangers team have expressed feelings of guilt since the tragedy, Bush smiled menacingly and laughed. “Brother,” said Bush, “the values I’ve instilled in these boys go far beyond the little league diamond during the Gulf War era. The only thing we’re sorry about, is that we weren’t able to get back at those damn Tigers after they what they did to our country on 9/11.”
-Ian Swanson
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