Mark Wahlberg: Why I Stopped Smoking Pot

Beverly Hills, CA. 9:48am – Mark Wahlberg released a statement to CNN today that he will no longer be smoking marijuana.  The 39 year old former rapper, actor, and producer, has now added another activity to the list of things he won’t be doing anymore: puffin’ the cheeba.  “It is with much difficulty that I make this decision today,” Wahlberg said in front of a neighbor outside his home, who overheard the overrated entertainer talking to himself.  “But after consulting with my close friends and family, I’m confidant that my decision to finally lay down the peace pipe is really what’s best not just for my life, but also for my career.” 

Wahlberg says he came to this conclusion at near the end of season 6 of the critically acclaimed series “Entourage”. “I was at this hoppin’ party, blazin some sweet canny banny my boy Vince showed up with to celebrate the finale of season six, and then Drama walks up and starts gettin’ in my face sayin I’m ruinin’ Vin’s career with this shit.  I’m like ‘Yo Drama, guess what motherfucker, you’re bro’s the one that gave me that shit in the first place!’”

Adrrian Grenier, the award winning actor who plays Vince in “Entourage”, which Wahlberg produces, responded to questions regarding this altercation earlier today. “I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about,” says Grenier.  “No, seriously, I was at home all day with my family.  I can’t say it surprises me though, that guys been off the wall since season 3.”  Wahlberg couldn’t seem to remember anything more from the party, adding that he was “balls deep in dankety dank,” but remains adamant that “Vinny, E, and Drama were all definitely there.” 

When asked what he’ll do now that marijuana is no longer a part of his life, Wahlberg says he plans to dedicate more time to his career.  “This town moves at a mile a minute.  I can only imagine how much of my life would be different if I wasn’t comatosing on blueberry yum-yum the whole time.  You’re going to see a whole new Wahlberg in 2011!” Wahlberg said with a smile, just before leaning down to snort his fifth line of cocaine of the day.

                -Ian Swanson