MSNBC Headline – 8/28/13
NEW YORK, NY – The United States has done it again! Just to
show how badass we are, the government has finally launched their well
publicized, super duper secret and incredibly technologically advanced spy
satellite into outer space on the largest rocket in American history.
“We thought it was high time to remind the world just how
much ass we can kick,” said John Hanks, the White House Commander of Outer
Space Rockets and Technologies. “So we put this totally high-tech spy camera
thingy – which is way more totally high tech then anything coming out of Asia
right now, by the way – on our biggest, fastest, most explosive rocket. It’s
all supposed to be very hush-hush though, so try not to tell anyone.”
At exactly high noon today, the government began the
countdown from their undisclosed research lab underneath the middle of Times
Square. When the clock on every video billboard in New York struck zero, the
streets at the intersection of Broadway and Seventh Ave opened and our kick-ass
rocket flew into outer space like a fiery eagle swooping in on a helpless field
mouse – but in reverse. It was awesome.
“It was awesome,” claims 83 year-old New York resident,
Molly Hurmet, who was one of thousands gathered along the sidewalks of Times
Square to witness this historic and classified event. “The streets opened up
and it was all like ‘cruuunch’, and then we could see right into that secret
lab under Times Square no one knows about. The next thing you know there’s this
rocket the size of like, probably Rhode Island or something, that’s just
zooming into space. It definitely restored my faith in our government.”
However, the total and complete awesomeness of the spectacle
isn’t what impressed citizens the most. No, what really struck people as
“pretty legit” was how the government let us in on the top-secret science
project from the very beginning.
“I remember reading something online like a year ago about a gigantic
rocket that was gonna launch some spyware into outer space or something,” says
Hurmet. “I was like, ‘OK, another rocket. Whatever.’ But then I kept reading
and the article was all like, ‘This is super duper top secret, so please don’t
tell any of your foreign friends,’ and that’s when I was like, ‘Whoa, this is
pretty legit.’ I was so happy the government would trust me like that. It says
a lot, you know?”
Crowds began to gather shortly after 8 this morning, when
President Barack Obama tweeted the high-noon launch info. Needless to say, the
crowds left pleased and with a renewed faith in the omnipotence of the
government. Also, crowds were asked to please not share anything they
witnessed, and we must ask our readers to do the same.
-Pete Higgins
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