China Plans New Mega City

CNN Headline – 1/26/11

Washington D.C. – The Chinese are at it again. Apparently feeling insecure for some obscure reason no one really knows, the Chinese announced today their plan to build a so-called “Mega-City” in the near future.

Maybe someone insulted the smallish stature of the average Chinese man again, and the usual Yao Ming defense didn’t hold much water because the giant China man is out for his 12^th consecutive season. Perhaps a corporate big-wig made a crack about being hungry thirty minutes after a Chinese lunch was served at a meeting. It could be that someone, somewhere, squinted in order to read the menu at a Panda Express. Who knows. For whatever reason, the people of China feel slighted by the world once more, and are, once more, radically and hilariously overreacting. “We China. Very insulted. Build big, mega city. Yes, very good,” said insulted Chinese citizen, Ma Lang, on the . . . well, you get the picture.

China is reportedly set to begin construction on the proposed city, which will house an absurd 43 million people, by August of 2011, and predicts it will finish construction no later than 2014, but could finish much sooner if the world doesn’t start taking Chinese people seriousry. Haha, oh gosh, I mean “seriously.” It’s just that they talk so sirry sometimes I can’t help myself . . . Ohhhoho, sorry, I did it again.

The perceived slight, which very well could have been the last time you passed a Chinese woman going 45 on the highway, has reached the ears of Paramount Leader of the People’s Republic of China, Hu Jintao. “China very upset about picture world China has. No more,” said Jintao, or Hu, or Hu Jintao, I don’t know. I heard the last name goes first, and the first name goes last over there, but who knows? Let’s just go with the American way and call him “Jintao” for clarity’s sake. Jintao didn’t go on to define what “picture” China was “very upset about,” and we are left to wonder if someone accidently confused the Paramount Leader with a Korean, Cambodian, Thai, or Vietnamese or Japanese man, on his recent trip to America.

Regardless of what prompted this most recent narcissistic declaration of world domination, one thing is certain: we’ll all be able to laugh at this very soon. The last time China made a power move in an attempt to impress the rest of the world with it’s alleged dominance, came right before the 2008 Beijing Olympics when China finally realized we were all laughing at William Hung, not with him. China then put on one of the more magnificent displays of mindless human discipline in recent memory during the 2008 Opening Ceremonies. For about a week or so, the rest of the world held its collective breath as it wondered, “If they can organize that big of a drum circle, imagine what they could do if they ever were allowed to play with guns and formed an army . . . or used all of their gadgets and wizmos to create a giant robot operated by millions of people moving inside it’s infrastructure in unison?” No doubt the idea was terrifying . . . until it came out that half of the Opening Ceremony was a digital manipulation; a sheath with a sword hilt, but no sword.

This new monstrous city, initially dubbed “China, Mega-City Huge,” by lead architect, Zhang Jike, is sure to be an egotistic doppelganger to the Beijing Opening Ceremonies – if it is ever even built. Chinese history is chock-full of empty threats. Take the Great Wall of China, for instance. The Wall started off as an impressive and terrifying testament to the wonders of human will and modern engineering, but the western end was never even completed. It’s not much of a wall if you can just go around it. More like the Great Bend-in-the-Path of China. Despite Leader Jintao referring to the city as, “Great city. Bigger New York, bigger Tokyo, bigger than sun. City put fear in heart of world that make fun China. China no joke no more.” We really have nothing to worry about. At most the city will feature a few tall buildings made to look larger and more spread out through the careful placement of giant mirrors, a few hundred thousand people running about and changing costumes inside to give the effect of a much greater population, and maybe a waterfall or two for aesthetic purposes. Soon after the unveiling the world will lose interest, the Chinese will follow suit a little later, the city will be left to rot, and China will have another Hong Kong on their hands.

The Chinese can deal with their Napoleon Complex anyway they want, but until they learn how to master jet-packs or actually teach pandas Kung-Fu, the rest of the world will continue to consider them our goofy little playthings. I, for one, hope they do build the city, or at least do a commendable job on the project. Maybe then they’ll stop whining and be able to truly respect themselves, be proud of their own accomplishments, instead of always trying to take credit for all the cool shit Japan makes like Nintendo, Godzilla, and Ichiro.

-Pete Higgins