CNN Headline – 4/6/11
Scranton, PA. – There’s one in every office, factory, warehouse, restaurant, or wherever else business is conducted. They are not only the center of the workplace, but of the known world. Their problems forcibly become your problems, their worries your worries, and their periods your worst nightmare. They are, of course, the workplace drama-queens. They’re persistent and unavoidable, but with these five helpful tips you’ll find you can tolerate them without committing homicide.
1. Smile and Nod
This is by far the most commonplace technique used against workplace drama-queens. It’s very simple and requires only minimal effort on your part. When Sharon from customer service meanders over to your cubicle for the third time before lunch to discuss her fat mom’s upcoming “life-threatening liposuction medical surgery procedure”, simply smile and nod. It’s really all she’s looking for as far as conversation. Her agenda in this “conversation” is two-fold: first, she wants to hear the sound of her own voice, and secondly, she wants to practice sounding sympathetic because it’s how she’s gotten this far in life and has become her only skill. In all honesty, she’d be perfectly content to sit and talk at a wall for three hours. Unfortunately, in our backwards society, this behavior is considered insane. So Sharon will find you. And she will talk at you. And when she does, just smile and nod and hope she goes away.
2. Over-Encourage
Perhaps the most complex resolution to the drama-queen problem is to over-encourage, sympathize, and agree with everything the drama-queen says. The idea here is that a positive over-reaction to the drama-queen’s ramblings is such an unusual reaction that it will confuse and disorient the drama-queen. Your unanticipated reaction will scare the drama-queen. It’s not expecting to find someone else on the brink of death because of an unjust traffic ticket. This foreign response will initially frighten the drama-queen and how it reacts to fear will determine whether you have successfully used the over-encourage technique. If you continue with positive reinforcement, the drama-queen may look at you, and without realizing it, see itself in the mirror. It will be horrified of the bubbling insane mess looking back at it, and will avoid you purely out of fear. Or maybe the fear manifests itself into hatred. The drama-queen will realize you are essentially another version of itself, and there is no room for two drama-queens in one workplace. A rivalry will blossom in the drama-queen’s mind, and you will be avoided because of an overwhelming hatred. The final possible outcome, and what makes this technique so risky, is the drama-queen overcoming it’s fear of the unknown and believing it’s finally found a peer that truly understands it. If this is the case, it will cling to you like the fat guy in the office clings to other people’s leftovers. Good luck.
3. Completely Ignore
If you find smiling and nodding just isn’t cutting it, and being nice, even if it’s fake-nice, to that fucking cunt Jen is unimaginable, you may want to try to just completely ignore her. This technique is not for the weak. It will push your patience to limits you didn’t think possible. Your part in this technique is pretty straightforward, it’s how well you pull it off, how strict you are, that makes all the difference. You have to go beyond the usual petty, passive-aggressive ignoring you do on a daily basis and bump it up a couple levels to complete and utter disregard for Jen’s being. This means absolutely no words can be spoken to her or about her in her presence. And no eye contact under any circumstance. Even when she’s not explaining theories on who her boyfriend is sleeping with, when she’s acting like another functioning member of society, when she gives you a kind smile and a “good morning”, you have to be strong, walk right past her without acknowledging her simple morning pleasantry or existence at all. She is not there.
4. Berate to the Tipping Point
Drama-queens don’t understand non-verbal cues like human beings, so when good old-fashioned ignoring it doesn’t work, you have to become verbally abusive. Tell it it’s fat. Constantly remind her that her boyfriend probably left her because she wasn’t pretty enough. Let it slip that corporate is considering cutbacks, and her department is first up. Don’t be afraid to remind her about that time last year she got drunk at the Christmas party and threw up on the intern she thought was “super hot”. Sometimes the drama-queen is a gay guy. If this is the case, be ready to drop not-so-subtle hints that you disapprove of it’s sexual orientation. Be mean. Always, unrelenting, and forever. This should drive the drama-queen away for good. If the drama-queen ever threatens a sexual harassment lawsuit as a result of your berating, there’s only one thing left to do…
5. Murder
So maybe there are only four ways to resolve your drama-queen problem that don’t end in homicide. Whatever. The best way is to follow the drama-queen home one day. That way you know it’s route. Sometime later, wait around some dark corner on the route, preferably close to an alley with lots of dumpsters. As the drama-queen approaches, jump out with a rag soaked in chloroform. Drag it into the u-haul truck you rented (pay with cash) that’s waiting around the corner with it’s inside compartment covered in plastic. Cut her up, bag her, and throw her in a few of the dumpsters. Make sure to do this the day before garbage day. If all goes as planned, that’s the last you’ll ever see of that drama-queen. But make sure your knives are sharp and you have plenty of plastic wrap leftover, cause there’s another drama-queen coming to your workplace soon.
(We apologize for making you look at Sarah Jessica Parker)
-Pete Higgins
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