Watch Out, Midwest, Storm a Comin'

CNN Headline – 1/31/11

Chicago, IL. – Meteorologists from across the Midwest convened in Chicago over the weekend and all agree a mighty winter wind is a-blowin’ toward these parts. Scientists anticipate the blizzard will begin to come down, hard, in the western Midwest sometime Monday afternoon.

Midwestern meteorologists and scientists called for the emergency brainpower summit when word of California’s tidal and barometric pressure shifts reached the Midwest Friday afternoon. Not long after the first few whitecoats arrived in the Midwest’s capitol, Chicago, it became apparent that disaster was on the horizon. “We haven’t been this worried since The Day After Tomorrow,” said Cedar Rapids atmospheric meteorologist, Steven Cartwright. “We hope that because the Midwest is not next to any oceans, we can avoid the cataclysmic destruction New York City endured during that storm in 2004.”

Cartwright isn’t alone in his fear that the Midwest could be on the brink of an apocalyptic blizzard. Laura Thompson, a climatologist from Columbia, OH, believes the approaching storm could be “the perfect blizzard.” “This is shaping up to be almost exactly like The Perfect Storm,” she said. “You remember that scene where the guy that played Shooter McGavin explains how three different storms were about to converge into one mega storm, mainly due to temperature fluctuations and wind shifts? Yeah, well, that’s almost exactly what’s gonna happen here. It’s going to be like The Perfect Storm 2, only without the forced Boston accents. It’ll be: The Perfect Storm 2: Midwest Massacre, or The Perfect Storm 2: Snowpocalypse, and instead of rain and waves, we’d have snow and possibly low-grade avalanches originating from hilly states like Wisconsin and Michigan.” Avalanches like that might not seem like much to the people of the Northwest, but could devastate the Midwest.

Midwesterners, affectionately dubbed, plain people, are used to their snow falling from the sky, not hurdling down mountainsides at over 1000 MPH. This diversion from the normal natural disaster could cause chaos amongst the Midwesterners. Indianapolis snow scientist, Dave Grubbard, believes that if avalanches occur this blizzard could draw comparisons to another recent American natural disaster. “I hate to use a real-life example,” Grubbard said, “But if this storm brings about a series of avalanches and puts all these plain people into a situation they’ve never dealt with before, well, all hell could break loose. It would be like Katrina all over again. Except with less minorities and more over-weight white people. Instead of the Superdome, they’d most likely seek refuge in the local Wal-Mart. And I know that in some of those Wal-Marts they sell guns,” said Grubbard, shuddering at the thought before finishing. “I pray to God avalanches aren’t brought into play, I sure do.”

Avalanches or not, a fierce storm is a-brewin over the Midwest, sure enough. Minnesota outdoorsman, and potentially the leader of a small group of survivors trying to make their way from the snowy carnage back to civilization, Gabe Walker, confirms the scientists’ forecast. “Storms comin',” he said as he closed his eyes and took a deep whiff of the cold air. “Mother nature’s on her way, you betcha. And you betcha she’s bringin’ some vengeance with her.” The noted man-o-the-woods, who lost his wife and son in a tragic snowplow accident a few years back now, has been around for plenty a blizzard and reckons he has seen this type of storm before. “Smells just like it did before Storm of the Century,” said Walker, who was in Maine when a storm caused by deranged half demon/half man, Andre Linoge, tore apart a small island village just off the mainland coast.

Authorities are advising all Midwest residents to take shelter in a warm house, and prepare for the worst. “Everyone should put on their longjohns and wool socks, make sure they have plenty of firewood, blankets, and mittens,” Cartwright advises. “This is when you wanna defrost everything leftover from the fall’s venison feed, cause we could be hunkered down here for quite a spell. I hope everyone hears this warning and is more prepared then they were in The Day After Tomorrow.” Grubbard echoes Cartwright’s warning, “Heed my words, ladies and gents, we could be in for the long haul. Fuel your sleds, sharpen their skis, feed your dogs, stock up your ammo, cause we just might be looking straight down the double-barrel of Snowmageddon. Be stocked up good, cause when you start to run out of supplies, you start to turn on each other. You don’t want to find yourself in any sort of The Shining-type situation.”

While panic, distress, and foreboding is predicted by almost all the Midwest’s top scientists, a select few are more optimistic. Chicago movie critic and noted weather pundit, Roger Ebert, believes the hysteria over the looming storm may be all for naught. “I’m not sure it’s going to be as violent and terrifying as everyone seems to think,” he says. “Snow has never really fit well into disaster movies, horror movies, or action/adventure movies. Those genres typically use monsoons, hurricanes, or tornadoes as their natural disaster. Unless the film takes place high up in a mountain, snow is typically reserved for family adventure or romantic comedy films. The avalanche aspect frightens me a little bit, but I’m dubious they can pull it off in the Midwest, despite the wonders of CGI today.” While Ebert doesn’t think the storm is likely to inflict the level of destruction many are anticipating, he does see a few X-factors that could transform the storm from blizzard to catastrophe. “For the sake of the millions of Midwest citizens whose lives could be at stake, I hope Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich aren’t involved in any way. Either one of them will try to pull off anything, even if it doesn’t make any sense and leaves a world of destruction and terror in its wake.”

-Pete Higgins

Financial Crisis Was Avoidable, Federal Panel Says

CNN Headline-1/27/2011

Washington D.C. – A federal panel investigating the financial crisis that began in 2008 finally reached a conclusion on Thursday.  The FCIC – or Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission – released a statement Thursday morning that will finally allow American citizens and politicians alike to rest easy for the first time since the crisis began three years ago.  The results were released Thursday morning by commission chairman, Phil Angelides, who chose the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to explain his conclusion following a three-year investigation. 

After introducing the other members of the panel, and explaining the dramatic sequence of events that led to the formation of the FCIC, as well as briefly commenting on Kevin Durant’s total dominance in last night’s Oklahoma City Thunder game, Angelides proceeded with the results of the investigation.  “We conclude first and foremost,” speaking in a profoundly triumphant tone, “that the crisis was in fact, avoidable!”  Angelides reportedly then raised his hands to the sky, as one hundred doves were released into the air behind him, along with 10,000 balloons, and a 10 minute fireworks display.  Although the doves appeared to symbolize the peace Americans can now live under after hearing of the panel’s conclusion, no one appeared to notice that at no time did the chairman even bring up the fact that this crisis was in no way anywhere near over.

                  The statement was received extremely well, with an enormous ovation from an audience that included over 200,000 citizens, all of whom seemingly called in sick to work in order to be in attendance for the monumental declaration.  CNN, Fox News, and numerous other national news outlets had reporters and cameramen on hand at the event, which was also broadcasted on all major network television stations, taking the place of many of the day’s normal daytime talk shows.  ESPN even cancelled its presentation of the Australian Open to broadcast what the sports station labeled, “The Announcement”. 

                  Area woman Bethany Abel, of neighboring Georgetown, responded to Angelides’ statement with feelings both of comfort and closure.   “I’m just so relieved,” the 64 year old mother of three said with a smile.  “I literally can not stop myself from crying.  I know it was only 2008 when two and a half million of our country’s citizens lost their jobs... but to me it feels like it’s been years!”  Abel then hugged each of her three children, whom she pulled out of school specifically to witness Angelides’ speech.  “It just feels so good to finally know, after all of this time, that something could have been done…”  Abel continued to answer questions, although she was seemingly dismissive of the fact that the chairman offered no concrete evidence that the financial catastrophe could have been prevented.  Nor was she willing to comment on the fact that no solution whatsoever had been suggested that could dig this effectively doomed nation out of this recession. 

The chairman's unwarranted sense of accomplishment carried on throughout the rest of the speech, which continued for nearly three more hours after the initial “announcement”.  He then continued to name numerous other catastrophic events in American history that could have been prevented, had the appropriate authorities taken the necessary precautions.  “We’re not stopping at the financial crisis of 2008, oh no…”the commissioner began, “We’re going to make sure disasters throughout American history were totally preventable as well!”  Angelides then went on a rant of sorts, listing off numerous cataclysms which he thinks could have been avoided, including  the BP oil spill, 9/11, Jared Fogle,  years 1983-1986, M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening, and the entire state of North Dakota. 

                  The ceremony closed with a brief statement by President Obama, who announced that even though he had nothing to do with appointing the members of this committee, he’s happy that the work they put in and that the millions of dollars in taxpayers money spent on the project were absolutely worth it.  The statement was followed, as all statements by Obama are, with a short concert put on by Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys.  

                     

                    -Ian Swanson

  

China Plans New Mega City

CNN Headline – 1/26/11

Washington D.C. – The Chinese are at it again. Apparently feeling insecure for some obscure reason no one really knows, the Chinese announced today their plan to build a so-called “Mega-City” in the near future.

Maybe someone insulted the smallish stature of the average Chinese man again, and the usual Yao Ming defense didn’t hold much water because the giant China man is out for his 12^th consecutive season. Perhaps a corporate big-wig made a crack about being hungry thirty minutes after a Chinese lunch was served at a meeting. It could be that someone, somewhere, squinted in order to read the menu at a Panda Express. Who knows. For whatever reason, the people of China feel slighted by the world once more, and are, once more, radically and hilariously overreacting. “We China. Very insulted. Build big, mega city. Yes, very good,” said insulted Chinese citizen, Ma Lang, on the . . . well, you get the picture.

China is reportedly set to begin construction on the proposed city, which will house an absurd 43 million people, by August of 2011, and predicts it will finish construction no later than 2014, but could finish much sooner if the world doesn’t start taking Chinese people seriousry. Haha, oh gosh, I mean “seriously.” It’s just that they talk so sirry sometimes I can’t help myself . . . Ohhhoho, sorry, I did it again.

The perceived slight, which very well could have been the last time you passed a Chinese woman going 45 on the highway, has reached the ears of Paramount Leader of the People’s Republic of China, Hu Jintao. “China very upset about picture world China has. No more,” said Jintao, or Hu, or Hu Jintao, I don’t know. I heard the last name goes first, and the first name goes last over there, but who knows? Let’s just go with the American way and call him “Jintao” for clarity’s sake. Jintao didn’t go on to define what “picture” China was “very upset about,” and we are left to wonder if someone accidently confused the Paramount Leader with a Korean, Cambodian, Thai, or Vietnamese or Japanese man, on his recent trip to America.

Regardless of what prompted this most recent narcissistic declaration of world domination, one thing is certain: we’ll all be able to laugh at this very soon. The last time China made a power move in an attempt to impress the rest of the world with it’s alleged dominance, came right before the 2008 Beijing Olympics when China finally realized we were all laughing at William Hung, not with him. China then put on one of the more magnificent displays of mindless human discipline in recent memory during the 2008 Opening Ceremonies. For about a week or so, the rest of the world held its collective breath as it wondered, “If they can organize that big of a drum circle, imagine what they could do if they ever were allowed to play with guns and formed an army . . . or used all of their gadgets and wizmos to create a giant robot operated by millions of people moving inside it’s infrastructure in unison?” No doubt the idea was terrifying . . . until it came out that half of the Opening Ceremony was a digital manipulation; a sheath with a sword hilt, but no sword.

This new monstrous city, initially dubbed “China, Mega-City Huge,” by lead architect, Zhang Jike, is sure to be an egotistic doppelganger to the Beijing Opening Ceremonies – if it is ever even built. Chinese history is chock-full of empty threats. Take the Great Wall of China, for instance. The Wall started off as an impressive and terrifying testament to the wonders of human will and modern engineering, but the western end was never even completed. It’s not much of a wall if you can just go around it. More like the Great Bend-in-the-Path of China. Despite Leader Jintao referring to the city as, “Great city. Bigger New York, bigger Tokyo, bigger than sun. City put fear in heart of world that make fun China. China no joke no more.” We really have nothing to worry about. At most the city will feature a few tall buildings made to look larger and more spread out through the careful placement of giant mirrors, a few hundred thousand people running about and changing costumes inside to give the effect of a much greater population, and maybe a waterfall or two for aesthetic purposes. Soon after the unveiling the world will lose interest, the Chinese will follow suit a little later, the city will be left to rot, and China will have another Hong Kong on their hands.

The Chinese can deal with their Napoleon Complex anyway they want, but until they learn how to master jet-packs or actually teach pandas Kung-Fu, the rest of the world will continue to consider them our goofy little playthings. I, for one, hope they do build the city, or at least do a commendable job on the project. Maybe then they’ll stop whining and be able to truly respect themselves, be proud of their own accomplishments, instead of always trying to take credit for all the cool shit Japan makes like Nintendo, Godzilla, and Ichiro.

-Pete Higgins

Terminally Ill Patients Need Frank Conversation

CNN Headline-1/25/2011

Cleveland, OH. – Doctors at St. Luke’s Memorial Hospital in Cleveland believe several terminally ill patients in the hospital’s east wing would benefit significantly from a visit by the hospital’s resident jester, Frank Corwell.  Corwell, however, has not been heard from in over two weeks.

            Dr. John Orlund, a Chemotherapist at St. Luke’s, credits Corwell for saving the lives of more than just a handful of his former patients.  “Frank is the best,” said Dr. Orlund. “I remember in 2004 we had to put down the family dog, Rick.  When I got back to work the next week, Frank was right there for me.  He gave me a hug and told me something funny about Rick digging for dinosaur bones in heaven, and it really made me laugh and put my life and troubles into perspective.  There’s no way I could have gotten through Rick’s passing without Frank there to remind me that everything was going to be O.K.

“The same goes for so many of my patients.  They’ll get out of the operating room after several hours of intensive chemotherapy, and Frank’s always there with a pat on the back and something funny to say – he loves bald jokes – and he helps my patients remember that life can always get better and that this isn’t the end of the world.  Well, their world, maybe.  But, it still helps to put their cancer in perspective.”

Corwell, 57, has been cheering up patients for more then 35 years, without ever once being paid to do so.  Delores Lightgood, one of the few nurses there for Corwell’s first day back in 1974, and who is still working at the hospital, fondly remembers the first time she saw Corwell.  “A pen exploded on my uniform earlier that day and I had to wear my old back-up, so I was pretty down in the dumps when I first saw Frank,” she said at her crowded nurses station, opting to tell the story of a great man rather then tending to the whiney patients lighting up her call board with their bedside “Require Assistance” buttons.  “He was wearing a big, red rubber nose back then, and when I saw that silly nose, so very out of place at a hospital, well, I just laughed myself blue.  He’s been at it ever since, cheering up me and the other gals, cheering up the doctors, the patients, I once even saw him say something to a pigeon outside on the smoker’s corner, and I swear to you, that pigeon smiled before he flew away.”

Corwell’s presence at the hospital has always been somewhat of a mystery.  According to several accounts of the story, Corwell wandered into St. Luke’s in 1974 confused, dressed as a clown, and searching for a child’s birthday party he was supposed to work.  He was pointed in the direction of some leukemia patients, was a rousing success, and has come back almost everyday since.  Steven Forth, an orderly back then, but today the hospital’s CFO, shed some light on the subject. “For the first few years he came dressed as a clown everyday, I thought he was just working independently and going to rooms where kids’ parents paid him. But soon he stopped wearing the costume, he’s so happy and affable anyway he didn’t really need it, and he started visiting people of all ages. 

"That’s when I realized he wasn’t being paid at all, nor did he seem to have any concept of money or why he was even here, for that matter.  He was quite possibly deranged, but I didn’t say anything.  How could I?  The man is solely responsible for me getting over Byner’s fumble in ’87.  I wasn’t about to tell him he might be crazy and totally kill his buzz.  I owe him my life.”

Says Dr. Orlund, “Yeah, I’ve never been sure exactly what Frank’s position here at the hospital is.  I suspect he might be a little off kilt, but never wanted to say anything.  He makes me laugh so much, and is such a joy to my patients, I couldn’t dream of suggesting he was a lunatic.”

In the two weeks since Corwell’s mysterious disappearance hospital moral has been predictably dreary.  People are dying, but neither the patients, nurses, or doctors could care any less.  “Who cares about life and death when Frank isn’t around,” says Lightgood. “We’re all going to die anyway.”  That seems to be the sentiment throughout the hospital.  Employees and patients alike are finding it difficult to perform day-to-day tasks with the cloud of despair looming over the entire building, growing ever larger in Corwell’s absence.  “I had to go to the bathroom earlier,” says Peripheral Neuropathologist, Lizzie McNeill, from a pool of her own waste.  “But without Frank here I just couldn’t get up the energy.  I just couldn’t see the point of moving, when, really, the only direction any of us are moving is towards our own inevitable end.”

No one has any concrete information on what could account for Corwell’s disappearance, but that doesn’t stop theories from springing up.  Forth believes Frank is just on vacation.  “He might think he has some vacation days saved up, but since he doesn’t technically work here, that’s not the case.  We only give vacation days to employees, everyone else is expected to be here.  I sure hope he gets back soon, so I don’t have to have an awkward talk with him about our policies.” 

Daisy Nichols, 8, a patient at St. Luke’s being treated for Mitochondrial Disease, has her own theory as to what happened to Corwell.  “I think Mr. Frank was an angel and God needed him back in Heaven.”  While Ms. Nichol’s theory is highly unlikely, it should be noted that she’s on a number of drugs that could affect her reasoning.  Still, she’s just a little girl and should let the grown-ups do the thinking.  Said Dr. Orlund when told of Ms. Nichol’s theories, “Arrgh.  What a stupid little girl.  What does she know about science and medicine.  I hardly think she’s qualified to give you any sort of theory.  She should just focus on getting better and leave the thinking to me.”  He’s right.  Little girls shouldn’t question men and women of medicine, especially when those little girls are sick and not doing anything for themselves to get better.

Some people, like Dr. Orlund, have mistakenly thought they’ve seen Frank around town.  “I thought I saw Frank the other day on a bench in Tremont Park,” said Dr. Orlund, “but it turned out to just be a dead hobo.  It looked so much like Frank, the same hair, the same eyes, he was even holding a red rubber nose, but it couldn’t have been Frank.  Frank was always so bright-eyed and full of life, and I don’t think I ever saw Frank without a smile on his face.  The guy in the park was none of those things; and he wasn’t smiling, his mouth was just sort of open, but definitely not open in a smile, like Frank would’ve done.  I sure hope Frank turns up soon, or at least lets us know he’s alright.” 

Wherever he is, Frank Corwell can count on one thing: he is needed back at St. Luke’s Hospital immediately, specifically in room 427, where nurse Debbie Howland has just found out her boyfriend of three weeks is leaving her, and needs someone to cheer her up before she heads down to the E.R. where a little boy with a gunshot wound in his abdomen has just been brought in.

             -Pete Higgins

Elder Bush Brings Team Together 20 Years After Gulf War

CNN Headline-1/20/2011

Polk City, IA-Local man Tom Bush released a statement today,  that he’s made the decision to bring the Lil’ Rangers back together again for a reunion celebration nearly 20 years after the Gulf War.  Bush coached the Lil’ Rangers historic little league team, and also acted as President of the Polk County DYBA from 1989-1994, when his son, Tommy Jr. was voted spirit award winner on all 5 consecutive summers.  “There was a lot going on in the world at that time, what with the Gulf War and all,” said Bush, “and I know that getting the gang back together after all these years would really help everyone remember just how much the ‘91 8 and 9 year old division meant.  Not just to the kids, but to the entire town.”

               President Bush continued to ramble for several hours, reminiscing over and over about how awesome the Lil’ Rangers were, and how they totally dominated his then-neighbor Nagadeesh Aknar’s team, the Tigers.  “I remember it all like it was yesterday” began Bush.  “The Gulf War was just about to end, and we were absolutely stomping Achmed’s stupid team by at least 20 or 30 runs.”  By the middle of the 4^th inning, the Lil’ Rangers were up by a massacring 24-0 lead over the Tigers.  And despite the umpire’s numerous requests to call the game due to the league’s 10-run slaughter rule, the President vetoed the request, authoritatively exercising his executive power and allowing the game to continue until the end of the final 7^th inning. 

                Aknar, though difficult to reach, did not mince words when asked about his final thoughts of the historic game.  “That was without a doubt the smallest amount of power that anyone in the world has ever abused,” said Aknar, a Pakistani doctor that immigrated to America with his wife and children in 1983.  “I honestly was beside myself with rage.  Not only did the bastard fix the pre-season draft so he could stack his team with all the biggest and fastest kids in the town, but he totally overturned the exact rules he himself promised us he’d enforce.”  Aknar recalled how nearly every player on his team was crying by the end of the game, and many had threats made against their mommies and pets throughout the contest.

               The younger Bush remembers the game as well, and appeared to share his father’s enthusiasm about the emotionally destructive contest.  “Of course I remember that game, and no fucking way am I sorry about it,” Bush Jr. said, pausing periodically to spit bits of snuff into a ripped open can of Natural Light.  “The way I seen it, if those pussies didn’t want to be embarrassed, they should have brought some bats to the field and actually made a game of it.”  But Bush Jr. apparently didn’t let the antagonizing stop when the game finally ended seven hours after it started.  He and several other Lil’ Rangers visited the houses of several of the Tigers players later that night, and stormed the once-peaceful homes in a hail of rotten eggs and TP.  There were also numerous reports of racial slurs being hollered during the attacks, with the phrase “We don’ take kindly” heard over 150 times in a 10 minute period.

               Bush Sr. also seems remorseless over the mental genocide, implying that showing any signs of sympathy towards the opposing team would have been somehow admitting national inferiority.  “We were America’s team, and we weren’t about to let some flag burnin’, slurpy servin’, pube-faced mother fuckers destroy this here great nation.”  When asked whether any of the now grown up members of the ’91 Rangers team have expressed feelings of guilt since the tragedy, Bush smiled menacingly and laughed.  “Brother,” said Bush, “the values I’ve instilled in these boys go far beyond the little league diamond during the Gulf War era.  The only thing we’re sorry about, is that we weren’t able to get back at those damn Tigers after they what they did to our country on 9/11.” 

      -Ian Swanson

Lady Gaga's Monster Influence

CNN Headline-1/20/2011

 TRANSLYVANIA – Pop Queen Lady Gaga made an unprecedented career choice today when she fired longtime creative director, Michael Guzman, and relinquished all of his responsibility to her monster.  It is the first time in the music industry’s history that a non-human life-form has been granted such profound influence on a star. 

            Gaga’s monster, known to the public as Gargatron, has been on Team Gaga since the beginning, though staying primarily in the shadows.  For years, Gargatron  lurked in the closets and under the beds of millions of Americans, ranging from confused pre-teen girls, to twenty-something metro-sexual men.  Though Gargatron has never actually been “seen” he is said to be green and scaly, stand over eight feet tall, have more then two-thousand razor sharp teeth, and sport an eccentric haircut that is all the rage in Europe but hasn’t really caught on yet stateside.  He is credited with inspiring several of Her Highness’s famously outlandish costumes.  In fact, the meat suit Her Highness wore to the 2010 VMAs was made entirely of Central Park animals Gargatron had killed earlier that afternoon.

            While Gargatron is the first non-human life-form to bear this amount of creative influence, he is far from the first non-human to hold such a role.  Keith Richards has long since relinquished his creative responsibility to drugs and alcohol, namely, a drug of Richards’ own invention called “triple-fright”.  In a 1976 interview Richards claimed, “meff, down, coke, the real . . . weight of it. Blow, the booze, four, but really all just triple-fright for years now.”  This keen insight to the life of a true hero shows how even as far back as 1976 Richards had started to turn his creative process over to triple-fright.  The rap game saw it’s own creative process take a dramatic turn when most rappers handed their creative influence over to robots at the start of the new millennium.  It’s hard to pinpoint which rapper first had the foresight to give up on rhyme structure, making socially provocative music, and general self-awareness, as prominent names like Chingy, Juvenile, and Three-Six Mafia all deserve at least some of the blam-err, credit. 

            Handing over the creative reigns to a monster like Gargatron seems to be the next logical step in the evolution of creativity in music.  At the press conference to announce this monumental news, Her Highness was clearly in character the whole time, putting on her best “Poker Face” while she stared blankly at reporters and let a bit of drool make its way down her chin.  Longtime PR Director Emilio (no last name) announced the decision, and somberly answered questions for the anxious media.  (no last name) began by reading a statement from Her Highness. “We are here today blah, blah blah let go Michael Guzman.  We wish him the best blah, blah, blah.  Um . . . and now, we’re gonna announce that the position of Creative Director to Ms. Gaga will go to Gargatron, her monster,” (no last name) declared amidst much uprising and general calamity amongst the media members.  The statement concluded: “We arrive at this decision after countless minutes of deliberation, and it’s probably best for everyone, I–we think.” 

A clearly disinterested (no last name) then opened up the press conference for a quick Q&A session.  One of the most poignant questions asked concerned Her Highness’s dance moves and whether they’d continue to be so risqué under the new regime, to which (no last name) answered, “Yeah, whatever.  What do you think, Brian.”  When asked why Gargatron wasn’t at his (or her, or it, really, as we have no way of knowing whether Gargatron even has a sex, though it’s a pretty good guess that it’s a man, seeing as how monsters are powerful, like men) own press conference, (no last name) deferred the question and instead asked everyone to start clapping their hands and stomping their feet because Lady Gaga was about to perform her new song “Eat My Pussy Dry (And Bleeding)”.

Gargatron assumes creative responsibility immediately and anticipates a seamless transition.

-Pete Higgins

Substitute Teacher Accused of Punching Students

CNN Headline – 1/19/11

            Colombia, MO – Mitchell Reems, a substitute teacher for Missouri’s Public School District 134, was taken into custody after allegedly punching two 16 year-old students in the face earlier this week. Reems, 36, was subbing at Rockhurst High School in Pierpont, a suburb of Colombia, on Monday, January 17^th, when an altercation broke out during his 7^th period pre-calculus class, and reportedly resulted in Reems socking 16 year-olds Dougie Reynolds, and Tucker Fryman, square in the face. 

            Reems, who was released from the Pierpont jail Tuesday on a $100 bond, doesn’t deny punching the teens.  “Oh yeah, I punched ‘em,” Reems said.  “I punched the hell outta ‘em.  And I’d do it again, too,” he added.   When asked what could have possibly set off such a violent reaction from someone entrusted with our children’s safety, Reems claimed it was a “combination of things.”  “Well, I’m doing roll call,” Reems recalled, “when I get to the ‘Rs’ and there’s some asshole on there named ‘Dougie’.  Dougie! I mean, I can tolerate a ‘Billy’, a ‘Tommy’, I even knew a ‘Stevie’ once who wasn’t a complete shithead. But ‘Dougie’? No.  That’s too retarded.  I just couldn’t let that slide.  So I look up, you know, to get a good look at the little shit, and he’s just got one of those faces … a face you just wanna fuckin’ punch silly. Like John Travolta combined with Roseanne Barr.  So right from the start of class I’m just seething at this kid.  Oh, and it doesn’t help that he wears glasses, or that he pretended not to hear when I called his name so I had to say ‘Dougie’ twice.  I could just tell he was fucking with me from the get-go.”

            Reems found it difficult to control his disdain for a snot-nosed little punk like Dougie Reynolds, and as the 40-minute class rolled on Reems contempt soon began to manifest itself.  “We were watching some movie about Donald Duck explaining math or some shit, I honestly can’t remember because I was so focused on hating this cocky asshole, with his beady little eyes hiding behind those loser glasses.  And the way he wore his hair in a pompous part, like he was better then me or something,” Reems said.  “Then, we’re watching this movie and everything’s fine, when all of a sudden shit-for-brains decides he’s tired and lays his head down on his desk.  That’s when I just lost it.”

            Reynolds, home “sick” from school, was reached in his dumpy, smelly trailer and confirms Reems’ story.  “At first Mr. Reems refused to say my name.  When he got to my name in roll call he just mumbled something under his breath and went on to the next guy before I could even respond,” claimed Reynolds, crying like a little bitch on his dilapidated sofa as he recalled the experience.  “I had to ask him if he called my name, because I couldn’t hear what he said.  Then he shouted my name as loud as he could and stared at me for like, a minute or two, before resuming roll.”  Reynolds, who is 16 and still can’t even accurately gauge time and has definitely never kissed a girl, went on to describe the rest of class as he remembers it.  “We had been watching that Virtual Calculus Tutor movie for like, I dunno, fifteen minutes when I got a little tired and leaned my head on my hand.  For whatever reason, that just sent Mr. Reems off.  He dropped his magazine, walked over to my desk, and punched me in the face,” Reynolds managed to say before erupting in a spasm of uncontrollable weeping.

            Fortunately, we needn’t rely solely on the testimony of an ugly, poor, and emotionally unstable 16 year-old dipshit like Dougie Reynolds, as there are other accounts of what went down.  Reems remembers the events quite vividly.  “After that twerp had basically declared himself too good to learn math, I set down the book I was reading on rocket science and went over to calmly address the issue,” said Reems, speaking clearly and deliberately unlike Reynolds who couldn’t stop whining and wiping his nose like a pussy.  Reems continued, “As soon as I got there, fuckin’ Dougie was all like, ‘Ahhhhh’ and, ‘Mrrrrmmm’, so I did what any reasonable person would do when confronted with a prick named Dougie, I unleashed my fists on his crooked little face.”

            Another student in the class verified Reems’ story.  Paul Allen, 17, thought the whole incident was all pretty crazy.  “It was all pretty crazy,” said Allen, who, with his broad shoulders and feathered hair is obviously very well liked and probably the school’s quarterback.  “I mean, teacher just sorta went after Dougie and started punching at him,”  Allen said, echoing Reems sentiment that ‘Dougie’ is a really stupid name and anyone with the name deserves to be punched in the face.

             As the dust from the scuffle in the classroom began to settle, Reems picked up Reynolds, who was now deservedly lying on the floor barely hanging onto consciousness, and threw him out in the hall. That’s when Tucker Fryman rose from his desk and started to walk to the hall to help his “friend”.  Recalls Fryman, “I just wanted to make sure Dougie was still alive.” 

Reems wasn’t about to have another kid with a questionable name interrupt his class again.  “This other kid, not quite as dopey as the first one, starts to walk towards me like he wants to fight or something,” said Reems.  “I ask him what he’s doing and he spits some lie about wanting to help his ‘friend’.  Yeah right, I think to myself.  Obviously that Dougie kid doesn’t, and never will, have any friends, or should anyone named Dougie ever have any friends.  So I ask this bullshitter what his name is, and he’s like, ‘I’m Tucker’.  Well, bullshit, I think to myself.  This kid is clearly just trying to ditch class and give me a fake name so he doesn’t get into trouble.  A ‘Tucker’ in Missouri is so painfully obvious, so cliché, it really wasn’t hard to see right through his lie.  So, without any further thought, I peel back and just drop the fucking pussy with one punch.  Turns out his name really was Tucker.”  It’s hard to blame Reems for his response, considering he believed Fryman was attempting to insult his intelligence by giving a fake name.  However, Reems should have known that clichés and stereotypes exist for a reason, mainly, that they are based in truth and are more often then not pretty accurate.  Therefore, it stands to reason that ‘Tucker’ is actually a pretty common name in Missouri; and that there was a high probability that Fryman’s parents are lazy hicks that would name their son ‘Tucker’.  Still, anyone that would try to help, or, even worse, consciously befriend someone named ‘Dougie’ should be pummeled in the face.

As it stands today, Reems faces charges of two counts of aggravated assault on a minor.  Reems, however, is not fazed by the charges levied against him.  “People will forget about this whole thing in two, maybe, maybe three weeks,” he believes.  When asked if he feels any remorse for his actions, Reems takes the high road. “I feel kinda bad about hitting that Tucker kid – is that really his name? Are we sure that’s his name?  I'm still not totally convinced.  Anyway, I feel a little bad about that, but, in my opinion, the good I did in beating the shit outta that Dougie asswipe far outweighs the one small bad thing I did.”  Indeed Reems may have a point.  After all, he has history on his side.  In the mid-1800s, when Mormons were really pissing the good people of Missouri off with their bigamy, over-kindness, and blonde hair, Missouri passed Executive Order 44, or the “Mormon Extermination Order.”  The law, passed in 1838, was based upon the belief that it may be wrong to physically murder another human being, however, if that human being was really, I mean really, asking for it, then, sure, go ahead and murder him.  With that in mind, Reems sums it up best, “if someone named Dougie, especially someone named Dougie with a face like that kid’s, isn’t asking to be socked in the jaw, I don’t know who is.”

     -Pete Higgins

Rep: Charlie Sheen Has Been Showing Up for Work

CNN Headline-1/17/2011

Los Angeles, CA – Producers, directors, and actors alike were shocked this week to find that Charlie Sheen has actually been showing up, clean and sober, to work for the hit TV series “Two and a Half Men”.  The television star turned public embarrassment has recently been challenged by a judge to prove that he is, in some way or form, capable of doing a job and being a real person.  To everyone’s surprise, Sheen is actually attempting to do so.  Arriving sober and on time to every event associated with the show.

“There are just so many events that lead into a taping of an episode,” says co-star Jon Cryer, “there’s writing, read-throughs, hair and makeup, Charlie never used to show up for any of it.  He would literally show up just for the actual taping, without any memorization or rehearsal at all.”  Ironically, it seems that Sheen’s presence has actually become a detriment to the show’s progression.

“I don’t support it,” says the show’s director James Widdoes, “the show’s been on for 6 years now, and it’s grown exactly the way we were hoping it would.  With Charlie actually coming prepared these days, it throws the whole structure off.”  Apparently the show’s initial framework revolved entirely around Sheen just coming in as himself and reacting to the actions and comments of the other characters, who all remained true to the script.  “The formula was flawless,” states Widdoes, “you have no idea how easy it is to convince an intoxicated Charlie Sheen not only that he’s somehow banging extremely hot women, but that he also actually has friends and family that care about him.” 

No other staff members has had to work harder to adjust to Sheen’s current level of involvement than the show’s writers, who haven’t written a single line for the actor in the show’s 6 year lifetime.  “Quite frankly, we have no clue what to do at this point,” says a defeated script supervisor, Marilyn Bagley.  “We’ve never had to write a word for the man.  He would just show up, casually spew his alcohol-induced, misogynistic utterances, and either get distracted and leave or simply pass out.  It was brilliant television.”  No one’s really sure where the show’s headed with the recent change in Sheen’s behavior, but the consensus among the cast and crew is that something’s got to change.  “I’m all for people getting clean and sober, but I’m also extremely against not making  millions of dollars a year,” said Widdoes.  “If Charlie doesn’t fall back off the wagon soon, we’ll have no choice but to replace him.  The fact of the matter is that when you’re in Los Angeles, for every Charlie Sheen, there’s also a David Hasselhoff.”

-Ian Swanson

iPad Reading Could Eat Into TV's Audience

CNN Headline-1/15/2011
   The results of the latest Nielsen Ratings were released yesterday and caused quite a stir amongst television executives from New York to Los Angeles.  The ratings showed a significant drop in primetime television viewership, a trend many experts attribute to increased iPad use, mainly: time spent reading on the iPad. 

The iPad, Apple’s latest technological gizmo, was one of the most popular gifts over the holiday season and many new owners are still figuring out what to do with the hand-held computer.  Popular culture analyst Chadwick Volrath adds, “Millions of people were given iPads for Christmas, Chanukah, or Kwanza and now that the initial thrill of having something bright, new, and shiny has worn off, these same people are left to wonder what to do with their gift. So what do they do?" Volrath annoyingly answers his own question, "Well, with nowhere else to turn, they start to read on it."

America’s new infatuation with reading has TV executives bustling to catch up with the new trend.  One possible solution has been used already on TV for years.  Steve Mays, a demographic market specialist at Cartoon Network, offers his take on the dilemma, “I have to give kudos to stations like ESPN and CNN.  Man, those guys sure were ahead of the curve.  They’ve given viewers the opportunity to read at the bottom of the screen for years now.”  Mays, like many of his peers, was taken aback by the recent surge of literate, tech-savy Americans, “Honestly, I thought Tivo and DVR would do away with reading for good,” Mays says. “But the little bitch just won’t go away.  I guess once you put words on a computer screen, suddenly everyone wants to read again. It’s like 1440 all over.”  Mays of course is referring to the year Johannes Gutenberg invented the printing press and forever changed the way we read.  Much like the crisis television faces today, Americans in 1440 were drawn away from more classical forms of entertainment, such as animal fights, people fights, or rock throwing, and instead opted to spend their time inside reading words off freshly printed papers.

While the threat of reading has many network executives running for the hills or scrambling to emulate their logophilic brethren, a handful of executives aren’t as worried.  “No.  No, I’m not worried,” says Public Access 18’s VP of Timeshare Marketplace, James Hirdt.  “Once people realize they’re spending their free time reading, an activity you could easily do everyday in school if you wanted to, they’ll stop and come home to what they know, what they love: TV.” 

Hirdt may have a point.  A 2009 study conducted by Oakton Community College students found that over 50% of Americans claim to have been raised by television, one way or another.  “Whether you learnt how to bake cookies with Martha Stewart, buzz a buzzsaw with Tim Taylor, or found religion through one of them televangelists on any channel between 13-25, TV is at least a little responsible for molding and shaping everyone of us” claims Shamika Taylor, 19, and one of the five students in the small group that conducted the study.  “Sooner or later we gonna come home.  We always come home, it’s basic animal instinct,” concluded Taylor.

Hirdt, for one, agrees with Taylor’s sentiment.  “I don’t care if its on a book, an iPad, a laptop, or a gloopyflip,” Hirdt says, glossing over a word he either just completely made up, or one of the worst names ever given to any invention.  “Sometime soon,” he continues, “you’re gonna get sick of reading and want to come home.  This is America.  Fads come and go, and I’m sure people will get sick of this new reading fad pretty quick.  This is the country that brought the world Easy Mac, moving walkways, and Twitter.  People don’t have the patience to read full sentences, let alone paragraphs or stories.  Hell, I bet at least half the people that started reading this very article have quit by now.”  Hirdt’s right.  Even I can no longer focus on what’s being said in this article, and I’m the one writing it.  Some people may choose to read forever, but I’m gonna go watch TV. 

- Pete Higgins

Mark Wahlberg: Why I Stopped Smoking Pot

Beverly Hills, CA. 9:48am – Mark Wahlberg released a statement to CNN today that he will no longer be smoking marijuana.  The 39 year old former rapper, actor, and producer, has now added another activity to the list of things he won’t be doing anymore: puffin’ the cheeba.  “It is with much difficulty that I make this decision today,” Wahlberg said in front of a neighbor outside his home, who overheard the overrated entertainer talking to himself.  “But after consulting with my close friends and family, I’m confidant that my decision to finally lay down the peace pipe is really what’s best not just for my life, but also for my career.” 

Wahlberg says he came to this conclusion at near the end of season 6 of the critically acclaimed series “Entourage”. “I was at this hoppin’ party, blazin some sweet canny banny my boy Vince showed up with to celebrate the finale of season six, and then Drama walks up and starts gettin’ in my face sayin I’m ruinin’ Vin’s career with this shit.  I’m like ‘Yo Drama, guess what motherfucker, you’re bro’s the one that gave me that shit in the first place!’”

Adrrian Grenier, the award winning actor who plays Vince in “Entourage”, which Wahlberg produces, responded to questions regarding this altercation earlier today. “I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about,” says Grenier.  “No, seriously, I was at home all day with my family.  I can’t say it surprises me though, that guys been off the wall since season 3.”  Wahlberg couldn’t seem to remember anything more from the party, adding that he was “balls deep in dankety dank,” but remains adamant that “Vinny, E, and Drama were all definitely there.” 

When asked what he’ll do now that marijuana is no longer a part of his life, Wahlberg says he plans to dedicate more time to his career.  “This town moves at a mile a minute.  I can only imagine how much of my life would be different if I wasn’t comatosing on blueberry yum-yum the whole time.  You’re going to see a whole new Wahlberg in 2011!” Wahlberg said with a smile, just before leaning down to snort his fifth line of cocaine of the day.

                -Ian Swanson

Sarah Palin Is No Ronald Reagan

   CNN Headline 1/14/2011

Sarah Palin put an emphatic end yesterday to the rumor swirling throughout the nation that she is Ronald Reagan.  Palin held a press conference at her Alaskan fish farm in which she planned on addressing the proposed oil pipeline that would run from the North Pole across the state of Alaska to Juneau.  However, the focus of the press conference soon shifted to allegations levied against Palin that she isn’t who she claims to be, and is in fact the 40th President come back to posthumously play “the role of a lifetime.”  Palin, or “Palgan” as some conspiracy theorists have taken to calling her, opted to end speculation by removing her pantsuit and exposing her vagina to several dozen members of the press.
            Rumors began to originate after Palin’s daughter, Bristol, appeared on the television show Dancing with the Stars and demonstrated – to near perfection – the loop-swirl-dip move Reagan had widely been known to pull with Nancy at numerous parties, galas, and balls.  Bristol certainly didn’t help matters when in a post-performance interview said, “I owe it all to my mom and dad.  The Dutc– I mean my mom, taught me every dance move she knows.” 
Rumors really gained momentum when Reagan’s widow, Nancy, insinuated to Variety magazine that Reagan may still be alive when she said, “Ronnie is the greatest actor to ever live.” This possible insight only emboldens years of speculation that Reagan staged his death in 2004 as some sort of meta-theatrical last bow.  Noted thespian and dramatologist Scott Pardue offers this explanation, “All the best performers stage their own death, one way or another.  Tupac, Elvis, Machiavelli, all the greats do it.  It is the ultimate in performance art, to fake one’s own death, to tug at the heart strings of the public, to raise your fists to the sky and scream at the heavens, ‘You cannot, you will not, control me!’, to…” Pardue went on like this for several more minutes before finally wrapping up with this intriguing perspective, “Reagan was the master of his craft when he auditioned for “President”.  “President” during the 80s would have been the role of a lifetime, or of the decade at least.  The only way Reagan could possibly have topped his part as “President of America”, was to fake his own death and come back years later as a woman and run for office once more.  It’s all so very Shakespearean.  It’s dramatic purity, certainly more intrinsically satisfying then anything he ever could have done on the silver screen or in the Oval Office.”
As for Palin, she first disregarded the rumors, refusing even to acknowledge them, saying, “I refuse to even acknowledge such silliness.”  But as evidence began to build the nation’s questions could no longer be brushed aside.  Finally, Palin agreed to go on Good Morning America where she produced baby pictures, a birth certificate, and even did a dozen or so jumping-jacks.  “How could I possibly be Ronald Reagan?  He’d be almost 90 years old now.  There’s no way a 90 year old man could do this many jumping-jacks – I’m already up to over, like, a hundred!” Palin exclaimed.  “Look at my face! See? I’m not lying!  Ronald Reagan was a great man and a great President, but his head had to be at least twice as big as mine.  There’s no way he could have shrunk his head to my size.  It’s a physical impossibility.”  The nation marveled at Palin’s use of a six-syllable word, before collectively deciding that she clearly doesn’t know what it means and someone must have told her to say it.  As for the evidence Palin displayed – the baby pictures and birth certificate – one need only make a simple phone call to Mexico to obtain similar “evidence”.  
Alas, Palin’s Good Morning America interview did little to quell the rumors, as evidenced by yesterday’s press conference and the ensuing events.  While the grotesque image of Palin’s vagina has been seared onto America’s cerebral cortex, and rumors have widely quieted over the last 24 hours, some remain doubtful.  Pardue, for one, doesn’t always believe what he sees.  “Who’s to say that was even a real vagina?  They can work utter magic with CGI today.  Magic.  I mean, did you see ‘Inception’? Crazy!”

     -Pete Higgins

Man Seeks To Colonize The Ocean Floor

CNN Headline-1/12/2011

Seatac, WA – Area man Steven Cherwin shocked family members this weekend when he announced he will be leaving his modest 5 bedroom home to embark on a 3 month long expedition, during which he intends to colonize the entire Pacific Ocean floor.  Cherwin, 31, who shares the basement bedroom of the same house he grew up in with his parents’ two Labradors, seems entirely convinced that spontaneously quitting his job at the bowling alley for the adventure of oceanic exploration is absolutely the right thing to do.  “I always knew that I wanted to be a hero,” Cherwin said in statement made earlier in the day.  “I’m happy that now people are finally starting to understand how important I am to this country.”  Cherwin, who apparently already thinks he has accomplished something by claiming he’s going to colonize the 17,700 KM-wide ocean floor as America’s 51^st state, seems to be planning his underwater excursion with little to no scuba diving experience what-so-ever.

“He wants to do what?” his father asked, seemingly unsurprised, when we reached out to him earlier for a statement.  “I honestly don’t even think the little fucker ever learned to swim.”  This isn’t stopping Steven though, who appears completely unfazed by the threat of drowning, and instead chose to delve into how he came upon the idea for underwater migration.

“I got the idea when I was playing Tomb-Raider with my friend Tommy.  We were on an underwater level, and Tommy was like, ‘dude Laura Croft is fuckin hot’, and that’s when I knew.”  Cherwin says he plans to embark on his journey sometime over the next week or month or something, which most likely means whenever his parents kick him out for no longer having a job.  “I always knew I wanted to serve my country in some way,” Cherwin said, “and when I found out that the army doesn’t let you in if you’ve been arrested for crashing a bike naked down an escalator, I figured aquatic expeditionary work was the next best thing.  One day there will probably be a statue of me somewhere, with a big sword or something to show how heroic I was.”  These were literally Cherwin’s last words as he wandered down the beach and into the ocean, with nothing more than the cloths on his back and 12 McDonalds straws connected together sticking out of his mouth. 

When asked for comment later that day, Cherwin’s former boss at the bowling alley stated, “That’s the best idea that moron’s ever had.  In fact, I think about a third of this country should attempt the colonization of the ocean floor.  In doing so, they would truly be doing what’s best for America.”

                -Ian Swanson