The National Association for Health and Fitness released a report on Monday, the last day of January, 2011, documenting the physical health of Americans across the country. Numerous experts were consulted to complete the study, and all have seemingly reached a consensus.... America is fatter than ever.
"Let's put it this way," said NAHF member Howard Rizzo, "this last new year more than half of the American population made the resolution to get into shape. At this point, not even 1 full month after promising themselves they would truly make an effort to improve their physical health, more than 3/4 of those people are reporting that they're actually worse off physically than before making the resolution in the first place." Rizzo, who has been on the board of the NAHF for 16 years, gave a few bullet points on why American's have such a hard time achieving their fitness goals.
"Genealogy
Let's face it, you're fat. You've always been fat. And chances are you're always going to be fat, you fat fatty. You're mom was fat, your dad was fat, both of their parents were fat. Even your dog's fat, but that's probably because you don't walk him enough, or walk much at all for that matter. You're what we in the industry call "nature's misfortunes". If we're being honest with ourselves, you never really had a chance, did you blimptits? So don't feel so bad, because it's not your fault. Sure, you make the resolution every year that you'll replace your daily #4 value meal at McD's with lean rice cakes, but what happens? You become miserable, for two reasons really. Number 1: you're not getting the daily lard fix you've spent the last 33 years acquiring an addiction towards, and instead are force feeding yourself edible styrofoam. Number 2: After 4 weeks of eating nothing but all-natural cat food, you haven't lost a pound, which makes you look at the mirror in an even more depressed fashion than you normally would. And as for how you feel? Horrible, just as horrible as you did when you were chowing on KFC Doubledowns. So what do you do? You quit, and no one likes a quitter. But then again, people do like fat people. Find me a mentally sane individual that doesn't enjoy Chris Farley or Santa Clause and I'll punch you in the face for even trying. So relax, it's okay. You're off the hook. You lucky bastard.
Distractions
Signing up for the gym and putting the first month's payment down is easy, but actually going? You'll go once, and you'll probably see a lot of you're pot-bellied friends - they made the same resolution you did. But then you realize that the the TVs around the gym have the newest episode of Real Housewives on, and there's a juice bar next to the pool, and they serve "health-fries" and "low-carb chicken strips" too! Now before you know it your whale-belly is balls deep in your third bowl of frogurt, and you haven't even attempted your first sit-up. Well guess what lunchbox, chewing isn't a sport. And all that bullshit about how many calories you burn by laughing with your friends at the pool over how much of a slut Suzy's been lately isn't getting you anywhere, is it sattlebags?
Excuses
We've all done it, and we've all suffered from it. The difference is, you've made it obvious you suffer from it. You had every intention of driving to the gym after work today, but then you heard Jersey Shore was airing a special Monday episode where Snookie gets arrested. Or you drank skim milk with your Cookie Crisp this morning instead of 2%, so that's the same as jogging for 30 minutes, right? Think again butterball. You're doing it again, the same thing you did last year. And before you know it your excuses for not working out have become your habits again. Oh, do you're legs hurt? Cry about it pudge muffin. Is it too cold to go jogging today? That XX-Large parka wasn't bought to sit in your closet. The fact is this is never going to be easy, and you're never not going to have something else you'd rather be doing. So what's more important in the bigger picture? That's what I thought. So get off your ass and lace up your Nikes, you're not going to be able trade in those elastic jeans just sitting there reading this, are you thunder thighs?"
The thoughts and opinions of Howard Rizzo accurately reflect the thoughts and opinions of this news source.
-Ian Swanson
Distractions
Signing up for the gym and putting the first month's payment down is easy, but actually going? You'll go once, and you'll probably see a lot of you're pot-bellied friends - they made the same resolution you did. But then you realize that the the TVs around the gym have the newest episode of Real Housewives on, and there's a juice bar next to the pool, and they serve "health-fries" and "low-carb chicken strips" too! Now before you know it your whale-belly is balls deep in your third bowl of frogurt, and you haven't even attempted your first sit-up. Well guess what lunchbox, chewing isn't a sport. And all that bullshit about how many calories you burn by laughing with your friends at the pool over how much of a slut Suzy's been lately isn't getting you anywhere, is it sattlebags?
Excuses
We've all done it, and we've all suffered from it. The difference is, you've made it obvious you suffer from it. You had every intention of driving to the gym after work today, but then you heard Jersey Shore was airing a special Monday episode where Snookie gets arrested. Or you drank skim milk with your Cookie Crisp this morning instead of 2%, so that's the same as jogging for 30 minutes, right? Think again butterball. You're doing it again, the same thing you did last year. And before you know it your excuses for not working out have become your habits again. Oh, do you're legs hurt? Cry about it pudge muffin. Is it too cold to go jogging today? That XX-Large parka wasn't bought to sit in your closet. The fact is this is never going to be easy, and you're never not going to have something else you'd rather be doing. So what's more important in the bigger picture? That's what I thought. So get off your ass and lace up your Nikes, you're not going to be able trade in those elastic jeans just sitting there reading this, are you thunder thighs?"
The thoughts and opinions of Howard Rizzo accurately reflect the thoughts and opinions of this news source.
-Ian Swanson
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