Los Angeles, CA - Although it's been nearly four years since Ashton Kutcher's hit MTV prank show "Punk'd" was cancelled, Kutcher is still not giving up. "There's just something so timeless about pranks," Kutcher stated early Wednesday morning. "Even when MTV declared that they're not funny anymore, today I'm proving that they're still totally bitchtits."
Kutcher's most recent escapade took place at Los Angeles International Airport, where Kutcher paid off the entire Delta and LAX staff to go along with his antics. The target, ninety-four year old Ethel Marsh, arrived at LAX with a boarding pass for Delta flight 743 to Topeka. The elderly woman was planning on getting back to Kansas to see her youngest son, 38 year old Tom Marsh, who is recovering from lower back surgery. Tom Marsh's son, Jared, lives in Los Angeles as well, and acts as Ethel's primary caregiver during her final years. Jared was to escort Ethel back to Topeka, where the two would be united with Tom Marsh for his recovery. Ethel's plans were derailed, however, when Kutcher put his plan into action.
"The hardest part of the whole thing was getting that pimple-faced nutjob out of the picture," laughed Kutcher. "We had to time it perfectly so that we could replace Jared's grandma with a totally different grandma, all without Jared noticing that the switch had taken place." It seems that Kutcher, along with the entire Delta Airlines and LAX staff, distracted Jared at the gate, just before he would have pushed his wheelchair-bound grandmother onto the plane headed for Topeka.
"The X-factor in this one was clearly Minnie," said Kutcher. Actress Minnie Driver, who was made up to look nearly identical the elder target, was placed in a wheelchair just like the one the elder Marsh was riding in. At the ticket-check line, a member of the Delta flight crew asked to examine Jared Marsh's carry on luggage, suggesting that it might be too large to fit in the airplane's overhead compartment. When Jared turned to protest the flight attendant's claim, Kutcher swooped in. The thirty-three year old pseudo-actor whisked Ethel's wheelchair away, while another Delta crew member replaced Ethel's spot in front of Jared with the well-disguised, wheelchair-bound Driver. With the trade complete, the flight attendant allowed Jared to board the flight, completely unsuspecting that it was Driver in front of him the whole way.
"It was fuckin' perfect!" exclaimed Kutcher. "That douche had no idea his grandma was gone. He was all 'what do you mean it's not a standard size bag', and I was like 'peace mothafuckaaaa'." Regardless of the lack of detail in Kutcher's explanation, it can be said that Kutcher pulled off what many will argue as the greatest switcharoo of all time.
No one's quite sure when Jared actually figured out he was traveling with Minnie Driver, and not his grandmother. But one thing everyone present can agree on is that he couldn't have been nearly as freaked out as Ethel was. Immediately after Kutcher made the switch, he began a dead sprint, pushing the wheelchair-bound hag at full speed towards gate 21C - nearly 100 yards away. Accompanying the prankster and his victim on the final drive was the Punk'd camera crew, as well as two LAX security guards, who were clearing the way towards the final gate. "The whole thing basically resembled the scene in Home Alone, that part when the family is sprinting to make their flight," explained LAX security guard Larry Geldham. "Except in this version, there was a terrified ninety-four year old woman in a wheelchair screaming the entire time." Kutcher looked like a kid in a candy store carrying out the final phase of his plan, even hopping on the back of the wheelchair and riding it shopping-cart style at lease three times throughout the journey. The clan eventually reached their finish line at 21C safely, with five minutes left before the final boarding call. Upon reaching the gate, Ethel was immediately handed off to the new flight crew, which quickly wheeled her to the back of the plane. Kutcher and his crew then proceeded to hit the nearest bar, where he and his crew bought a round of canned Budweisers for everyone present, and also handed out neon yellow 'Punk'd' hats. When asked if he had any final words after completing the stunt, Kutcher replied into the camera, "Ethel, I hope you like sushi, because you just got Punk'd!" Kutcher then chugged the rest of his Budweiser, smashed it on his forehead and screamed "have fun in Tokyo, bitch!"
Ironically, Jared Marsh and Minnie Driver were both killed when their flight to Topeka crashed just over the Rocky Mountains. Ethel Marsh's flight landed safely in Tokyo eighteen hours later.
-Ian Swanson
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