Des Moines, IA - Valley High School wrestling superstar Aaron Wittmore made headlines this morning when he announced he will NOT wrestle Bettendorf High School's Jessica Collins. Wittmore, who has led the Tigers' wrestling squad to two state titles in the last three years, scoffed at reporters this morning when questioned about his decision. "Are you guys fucking kidding me? I mean is this really a serious question?"
The idea for the match came earlier this week when a Bettendorf reporter asked Collins if she thought there was anyone in Iowa she couldn't beat. "Of course I can beat anyone else in the state. I've been wrestling for my entire life, and have maintained an undefeated record throughout my entire high school career." Collins, who has a career record of 1-0, and wrestles at 5'1", 105 lbs., is known for often referencing the match between herself and Courtney Gardner, in which Collins pinned the much weaker Gardner, who was clearly just trying to make some kind of point about women's rights or feminism or one of those causes high school girls take part in just to get attention before developing an eating disorder.
Newspapers all over the wrestling-crazed state immediately began to speculate over the potential matchup. Reporters were quick to pronounce Wittmore as the likely favorite, pointing out that Collins is involved in numerous extracuricular activities outside of high school wrestling, which could potentially distract her should the match eventually take place. Collins is an active member of her student government, serving on both the Fundraising Team and also the Council of Student-Teacher Relations. Along with her student government responsibilities, Collins is also one of the school's best actresses, most recently starring as the mentally challenged character, Radio, in the school's stage rendition of the classic film, "Radio". "She's also," as Wittmore, "a fucking girl."
As the week went on, however, many reporters eerily began to change their minds; especially after Wittmore proclaimed he would never wrestle his female challenger. Polk County wrestling beat writer Rick Gingerface was the first to call into question Wittmore's courage. "Honestly, I think he might be scared. He thinks that just because he's got washboard abs and pecs that can't be tamed, that he's somehow unbeatable. Aaron Wittmore is definitely beatable. Lets not forget the two losses he suffered in the beginning of his freshman season. I don't care how hot his new barbed wire tatoo around his bicep is, he's in no way indestructable."
When asked his opinion of the potential matchup, Wittmore's long-time varsity coach Tom Wachowski was stumped about the outcome as well. "There are just so many variables that can come into play," Wachowski explained. "Aaron's 5'9' and weighs 215, so he's got the obvious size advantage. But the girl's never lost, so who are we to assume she has any weakenesses at all?"
Wachowski continued to demonstrate his experience in the sport, continuing his discourse on the disadvantages facing his star wrestler. "I don't think anyone's even brought in the boner factor yet. I've been watching boys stiffen up while rolling around on the mats for years, and that was while wrestling with other boys. Wittmore's equipment was also called into question by his coach. "Lets just say the third arm of justice does rise to the occasion in this scenario. What the hell's he supposed to do with ole acorn andy buggin at him? He hasn't got him a draw string, so he can't institute the 'carolina sneak n' tuck'. He's got no choice, he's just got to hit the ground until the giving tree blows back down, and who knows how many moves she could pull on him in that time?" Unable to come up with a clear favorite, the coach eventually sat down and gave up.
A statewide poll taken after the Wachowski interview showed that 54% of readers think Wittmore would win the match, 39% think Collins would win, and the remaining 7% can't seem to think about anything but dicks. "And no one's even mentioned the fact that this chick's got titties. We've a a 2 to 1 T to D ratio here," proclaimed Wachowski. All things considered, it appears we will never know who would win in a match between Wittmore and Collins. Though Collins seems determined to keep the prospective competition alive, Wittmore would not acknowledge the posssibility. When asked if he'd consider the option for something as simple and non-threatening as a charity event at some point in the future, Wittmore replied "I swear to God, if anyone else asks me to fight this chick I will choke slam them to the ground!" The media then went into an immediate frenzy to determine how far away Collins was at that moment.
-Ian Swanson
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