Guy Spends Month Sleeping With Lions

CNN Headline - 1/31/2011

Cape May, NJ - After 30 days, area man Vinny Bazutto has climbed back over the 12 foot fence at the Cape May Zoo, which separates the zoo's African lions from their human spectators.  Bazutto, 29, originally entered the lions' den on January 1st of this year.  The spectacle frightened and confused many, who could not understand why a grown man would willingly place himself in such a dangerous environment.  When questioned about his motive, it seems that it was Bazutto's ego, more than anything, that led him toward the decision.

   "I'm just sick of seein' pussies like Ashton Kutcher gettin' so much props for hookin' up with cougars," said Bazutto, who is appears completely unaware of the term's modern societal implication.  "I mean, did you even see The Guardian?  That movie was fuckin' bullshit!"  It appears Bazutto, who shares an apartment with his 3 cousins of no relation, actually believes that younger male celebrities are having sex with wild mountain cats to prove their alpha male status over peers.  "I swear on my mother, you put any of those weak pansies against me, or any of my boys, they'd get they heads wacked in."  Bazutto continued his rant for several minutes, stopping periodically to flex his muscles and comment on this broad he banged this one time that had tits the size of his head.  When asked if he actually had sex with the lions, Bazutto remained cocksure.  "No doubt.  I did every one a dem lions.  These weren't no fluffy cougars either.  You know, why?  Cause everyone knows lions are the toughest, most badass creatures on Earth."

   When asked why nobody bothered to pull the man out of the den, head security guard Tom Wozniak seemed surprised.  "Are you kidding me, have you ever met the guy?"  It seems as though upon learning of Bazutto's intrusion, the zoo's security force decided that this was not necessarily the worst thing in the world.  "Anyone that's ever met Vinny Bazutto knows that society is better off when he is behind bars."  The security team notified the zoo's top administrative officials, as well as local police authorities.  "Go ahead and ask the police, they were on board with us from the beginning."  Wozniak also stated that the zoo's security tapes prove that no sexual activity actually took place between Bazutto and the cats.  "Oh he definitely tried.  Nothing came of it though.  It amazes me that in this day in age we might actually have to put up signs that read 'PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH LIONS' VAGINAS'."

   This isn't to say, however, that Bazutto isn't getting any recognition for his stunt.  A two hour security video of Bazutto crying in the fetal position received its one millionth hit on youtube this morning.  Bazutto is rejecting all notoriety.  "The guy in that movie is a fuckin' pussy" proclaimed Bazutto after being shown a clip from the video.  "It's probably Ryan Reynolds or someone pretending to be me, because they know they wouldn't last a minute with those lions."  Bazutto went on antagonizing the non-present Reynolds for several minutes, accusing the actor of attempting to slander Bazutto.  According to Bazutto, Reynolds is apparently jealous of how jacked Bazutto is, and embarrassed that Bazutto could totally kick his ass and beat him in arm wrestling.  "You hear me Reynolds?  You wouldn't last a minute up in the 848, remember that!"

Bazutto's challenge was cut short by local police, who arrested him for acting as a public nuisance, as well as attempted beastiality.

   -Ian Swanson