CNN Headline – 2/22/11
Raleigh, NC – Congressman Patrick McHenry (R-NC) reportedly left a “big surprise” in the house of fellow Congressman Rep. David Price (D-NC) that is sure to really “get [Price’s] goat.”
McHenry was downright giddy this afternoon when relaying the details of his surprise to select members of the press. “Oh boy, oh boy,” said the beaming Congressman. “You just wait ‘till ol’ Davey gets home. You just wait! He’s gonna be all like, ‘Awwww, man.’ Its gonna be hysterical. Jeez almighty, this is fetching to be powerful funny. Powerful indeed.”
It is unknown what, exactly, prompted McHenry to leave a “surprise” at Price’s house, but we do know animosity between the two Congressmen has been rising the past several weeks and may have reached its apex. Rumors have been swirling about a proposed direct tax spike in wealthier areas of the state that would help to fund something for poorer people. It’s hard to say what that means, per se, but Wikipedia defines “direct tax” as “poll taxes or property taxes, which are based on simple existence or ownership.” So, if this new bill or law or decree is passed, certain areas of North Carolina would see… a tax…increase. Yeah. Now, why these two are fighting over this, I honestly have no idea. However, Wikipedia has this to say about Congress, “Congress is split into two branches––House and Senate––and manages the huge task of writing national legislation by dividing work into separate committees which specialize in different areas.” So, yeah. Maybe these guys are on opposite sides fighting over this alleged tax thing. Either way, they apparently hate each other.
Anyway, enough back-story, lets get back to the issue at hand, shall we? McHenry gushed and giggled for over half an hour about the surprise he left for Price, but never explicitly said what the “surprise” was. “Oh, I'm not gonna tell you that,” he declared. “Ya’ll’d just go off an’ tell Davey an’ ruin the whole darn thing. No sir, ya’ll’ll know soon enough, but for now it’s just best left unsaid.”
However, it seems McHenry couldn’t contain himself from letting a few “clues” slip during the press conference. “Let’s just say when Davey gets home after a long day’s work, he might kick his shoes off and realize he needs to take a pee. And then…oh boy, when he walks into that bathroom, haha, he’ll be in for it. I tell you what, his seein’ ain’t gonna be the only sense to uncover my surprise.” We may not know exactly what the “surprise” is, but we know it’s somewhere in the bathroom, will affect more than one sense, and is huge.
“I do reckon this may be one of the biggest ‘surprises’ I've ever dropped in my life,” McHenry concluded, giggling like an 11 year-old who just saw Babe for the first time as he left the room. Whatever the “surprise” it sure as shit has left one Congressman very happy, and in these tough times that’s all you can really ask for.
-Peter Francois Higgins III
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