Obama: U.S. Needs to Build Stuff Again

CNN Headline - 2/7/2011

Washington D.C. - President Obama held a press conference this morning, taking time off his normal Monday routine of basketball and celebrity gossiping, in order to announce to the media that the United States needs to "build stuff again."  Reporters in attendance at the conference appeared skeptical of the President, noting that he was not portraying the calm and collected demeaner that Americans have become accustomed to.

     "It was actually very strange," remarked Washington Post reporter Ronald Aguilar.  "Usually when the President is speaking I feel an easing, comfortable wave of emotion sweep over me.  Which is usually followed by the feeling of someone tickling the small of my back, and then nibbling on my earlobe.  But today's press conference didn't make me feel any of those things."  Aguilar wasn't the only person that noticed a change in Obama's presentation.  Numerous journalists, representing at least 6 different major news sources, agreed that there was definitely something a little off about the President's behavior.

     "The President began with the same 'my fellow Americans' that we're all used to," reported MSNBC's Nicholas Resmund.  "We assumed he was going to address the new budget cut proposal, but what actually transpired was an entire spiel about how Americans need to start building 'stuff' again.  No, I'm serious.  He actually used the word 'stuff'." 

     Although the President initially seemed rather vague when introducing his new innovation proposal, he did go into some detail as to what kind of ingenuity he is looking to see in the future.  The following is a word-for-word  recitement of the President's speech.

     "One idea could be like a car or something that also turns into a truck.  Oh! Oh! And it can also drive on water, through oceans like a shark!"  Uncertain of why the President could be suggesting the idea so publicly, some reporters asked if the President planned to use the new vehicle for the transportation of military personell.  "Oh ya, that'd be killertits.  And it could have missiles on it also, and it would be able to fly through the air."  The President then started demonstrating with his hands, motioning them as though they were flying cars.  "And one could have a huge claw underneith it, and it could pick things up all like 'clawwwwwwww, clawwwwwwww' and then it could fire missiles at other flying cars all 'pew pew pew'!"  The President continued the battle for several minutes, only confusing the attentive media further.  "And then we would kill all the tanks, and they'd be all 'Noooooooooooooooo' and then be all 'bfffffsssssshhhhh' and that'd be how they'd explode!"

     "There was one point where he stepped down from the podium all together, at which point he actually started running around the stage shooting other imaginary tanks and flying car-trucks that haven't been invented yet," recounted Resmund.  "I was so taken aback by what I was witnessing, there was one point where I literally asked him 'Mr. President, with all due respect, are you out of your God damn mind?'"  The President responded by raising his hand in a fake gun shooting motion, quoted Neo from the Matrix, and made an another explosion sound."  Several of the President's head security officials began chasing him around the stage in attempt to silence the President.  The President proved once again to be the most agile of all commander in chiefs throughout history, commanding 3 whole minutes of ducking and dodging before his security team could bring him down.  All in all, the President finished the press conference with 6 broken tackles, 4 spin moves, for 64 total yards on the ground, with his pants only falling down twice during the process.

     The DEA is reviewing all White House security tapes from the previous week to determine if any known crack dealers had made it onto the premesis.

    -Ian Swanson