Short Sellers Flee Market

CNN Headline - 2/24/2011

Los Angeles, CA – Today one of the country’s most prestigious clothing markets encountered quite a unique situation.  At the Los Angeles Fashion Market, a distributor by the name of JortVC, a branch of the QVC network stormed out of the spring showcase after an argument with event coordinators about floor placement.  What is usually a week of high end fashion designers showcasing their new fall lines turned into what some would call a child’s temper tantrum. 

A Spokesman from the fashion market, Cristoff Wigglesworth, had this to say when asked about the incident,  “The group from JortVC had much different views on how much floor space they should have received for this week’s event.  Since this was their first year at the show they received the standard amount of space for what we call, “rooks.”  When I showed them to their allotted space the director from JortVC had a few choice words for me, then proceeded to flop on the floor like a five year old whining to her mommy.”  Little tiffs between different vendors happen every year, the difference between this incident and any other misunderstanding, was what JortVC demanded of the fashion market.  JortVC demanded that they get prime placement on the floor, the kind of floor space reserved for the likes of Versace, Gucci, Ralph Lauren, and designers of top tier caliber.

When asked how such a small distributor of denim shorts was allowed access to a prestigious event such as the Spring Fashion Week, Cristoff had this to say.  “I haven’t the slightest idea.  I promise when I found out who allowed those foul mouthed hillbillies into my event; they will wish they had never heard of words Jean or Shorts.”

We caught up with the Director of JortVC, Butch Huntington.  “It’s their own loss; those stuck up snobs.  They are really losing out on an opportunity of a life time.  To get a hold of America’s next big thing.  Jean F***ing Shorts man!!   We sell premium top o’ the line denim in all sorts of different looks.  We even got the ones that have that loop thing for a hammer.  Heck every single day I use that little looper.  Put all sorts of junk in it.  Man oh man they don’t know what they are missing.”  Rambled Butch.  This quote actually went on for about ten more minutes but became nearly impossible to understand due to me being incapable of comprehending such a deep south dialect.  There was also far more chewing tobacco on my shirt than after any conversation I’ve had with anyone in my entire life.

JortVC is a division of the popular home shopping network QVC.  They were founded in 2009 and are a small distributor of Jean Shorts.  They were founded with a crazy notion that jean shorts or “Jorts” were making a comeback among young consumers.  The reality is that there isn’t a very large demand for Jorts and only a few demographics in the country regularly purchase them, African American’s and Hillbillies.  Think about it, who do you know that still wears jean shorts anymore? Maybe people in Rural Iowa and the Inner cities of major metropolitan areas.  That’s it.

      -Sean Furlong

Delta Places Elderly Woman On Wrong Flight

MSNBC Headline - 2/23/2011

Los Angeles, CA - Although it's been nearly four years since Ashton Kutcher's hit MTV prank show "Punk'd" was cancelled, Kutcher is still not giving up.  "There's just something so timeless about pranks," Kutcher stated early Wednesday morning.  "Even when MTV declared that they're not funny anymore, today I'm proving that they're still totally bitchtits."

     Kutcher's most recent escapade took place at Los Angeles International Airport, where Kutcher paid off the entire Delta and LAX staff to go along with his antics.  The target, ninety-four year old Ethel Marsh, arrived at LAX with a boarding pass for Delta flight 743 to Topeka.  The elderly woman was planning on getting back to Kansas to see her youngest son, 38 year old Tom Marsh, who is recovering from lower back surgery.  Tom Marsh's son, Jared, lives in Los Angeles as well, and acts as Ethel's primary caregiver during her final years.  Jared was to escort Ethel back to Topeka, where the two would be united with Tom Marsh for his recovery.  Ethel's plans were derailed, however, when Kutcher put his plan into action.

     "The hardest part of the whole thing was getting that pimple-faced nutjob out of the picture," laughed Kutcher.  "We had to time it perfectly so that we could replace Jared's grandma with a totally different grandma, all without Jared noticing that the switch had taken place."  It seems that Kutcher, along with the entire Delta Airlines and LAX staff, distracted Jared at the gate, just before he would have pushed his wheelchair-bound grandmother onto the plane headed for Topeka.

    "The X-factor in this one was clearly Minnie," said Kutcher.  Actress Minnie Driver, who was made up to look nearly identical the elder target, was placed in a wheelchair just like the one the elder Marsh was riding in.  At the ticket-check line, a member of the Delta flight crew asked to examine Jared Marsh's carry on luggage, suggesting that it might be too large to fit in the airplane's overhead compartment.  When Jared turned to protest the flight attendant's claim, Kutcher swooped in.  The thirty-three year old pseudo-actor whisked Ethel's wheelchair away, while another Delta crew member replaced Ethel's spot in front of Jared with the well-disguised, wheelchair-bound Driver.  With the trade complete, the flight attendant allowed Jared to board the flight, completely unsuspecting that it was Driver in front of him the whole way.

     "It was fuckin' perfect!" exclaimed Kutcher.  "That douche had no idea his grandma was gone.  He was all 'what do you mean it's not a standard size bag', and I was like 'peace mothafuckaaaa'."  Regardless of the lack of detail in Kutcher's explanation, it can be said that Kutcher pulled off what many will argue as the greatest switcharoo of all time.

      No one's quite sure when Jared actually figured out he was traveling with Minnie Driver, and not his grandmother.  But one thing everyone present can agree on is that he couldn't have been nearly as freaked out as Ethel was.  Immediately after Kutcher made the switch, he began a dead sprint, pushing the wheelchair-bound hag at full speed towards gate 21C - nearly 100 yards away.  Accompanying the prankster and his victim on the final drive was the Punk'd camera crew, as well as two LAX security guards, who were clearing the way towards the final gate.  "The whole thing basically resembled the scene in Home Alone, that part when the family is sprinting to make their flight," explained LAX security guard Larry Geldham.  "Except in this version, there was a terrified ninety-four year old woman in a wheelchair screaming the entire time."

     Kutcher looked like a kid in a candy store carrying out the final phase of his plan, even hopping on the back of the wheelchair and riding it shopping-cart style at lease three times throughout the journey.  The clan eventually reached their finish line at 21C safely, with five minutes left before the final boarding call.  Upon reaching the gate, Ethel was immediately handed off to the new flight crew, which quickly wheeled her to the back of the plane.  Kutcher and his crew then proceeded to hit the nearest bar, where he and his crew bought a round of canned Budweisers for everyone present, and also handed out neon yellow 'Punk'd' hats.  When asked if he had any final words after completing the stunt, Kutcher replied into the camera, "Ethel, I hope you like sushi, because you just got Punk'd!"  Kutcher then chugged the rest of his Budweiser, smashed it on his forehead and screamed "have fun in Tokyo, bitch!"

     Ironically, Jared Marsh and Minnie Driver were both killed when their flight to Topeka crashed just over the Rocky Mountains.  Ethel Marsh's flight landed safely in Tokyo eighteen hours later.

     -Ian Swanson

Republican Drops Big Surprise

CNN Headline – 2/22/11

Raleigh, NC – Congressman Patrick McHenry (R-NC) reportedly left a “big surprise” in the house of fellow Congressman Rep. David Price (D-NC) that is sure to really “get [Price’s] goat.”

McHenry was downright giddy this afternoon when relaying the details of his surprise to select members of the press. “Oh boy, oh boy,” said the beaming Congressman. “You just wait ‘till ol’ Davey gets home. You just wait! He’s gonna be all like, ‘Awwww, man.’ Its gonna be hysterical. Jeez almighty, this is fetching to be powerful funny. Powerful indeed.”

It is unknown what, exactly, prompted McHenry to leave a “surprise” at Price’s house, but we do know animosity between the two Congressmen has been rising the past several weeks and may have reached its apex. Rumors have been swirling about a proposed direct tax spike in wealthier areas of the state that would help to fund something for poorer people. It’s hard to say what that means, per se, but Wikipedia defines “direct tax” as “poll taxes or property taxes, which are based on simple existence or ownership.” So, if this new bill or law or decree is passed, certain areas of North Carolina would see… a tax…increase. Yeah. Now, why these two are fighting over this, I honestly have no idea. However, Wikipedia has this to say about Congress, “Congress is split into two branches––House and Senate––and manages the huge task of writing national legislation by dividing work into separate committees which specialize in different areas.” So, yeah. Maybe these guys are on opposite sides fighting over this alleged tax thing. Either way, they apparently hate each other.

Anyway, enough back-story, lets get back to the issue at hand, shall we? McHenry gushed and giggled for over half an hour about the surprise he left for Price, but never explicitly said what the “surprise” was. “Oh, I'm not gonna tell you that,” he declared. “Ya’ll’d just go off an’ tell Davey an’ ruin the whole darn thing. No sir, ya’ll’ll know soon enough, but for now it’s just best left unsaid.”

However, it seems McHenry couldn’t contain himself from letting a few “clues” slip during the press conference. “Let’s just say when Davey gets home after a long day’s work, he might kick his shoes off and realize he needs to take a pee. And then…oh boy, when he walks into that bathroom, haha, he’ll be in for it. I tell you what, his seein’ ain’t gonna be the only sense to uncover my surprise.” We may not know exactly what the “surprise” is, but we know it’s somewhere in the bathroom, will affect more than one sense, and is huge.

“I do reckon this may be one of the biggest ‘surprises’ I've ever dropped in my life,” McHenry concluded, giggling like an 11 year-old who just saw Babe for the first time as he left the room. Whatever the “surprise” it sure as shit has left one Congressman very happy, and in these tough times that’s all you can really ask for.

-Peter Francois Higgins III

Teen Athlete Refuses to Wrestle Girl

CNN Headline - 2/16/2011

Des Moines, IA - Valley High School wrestling superstar Aaron Wittmore made headlines this morning when he announced he will NOT wrestle Bettendorf High School's Jessica Collins.  Wittmore, who has led the Tigers' wrestling squad to two state titles in the last three years, scoffed at reporters this morning when questioned about his decision.  "Are you guys fucking kidding me?  I mean is this really a serious question?"
    
     The idea for the match came earlier this week when a Bettendorf reporter asked Collins if she thought there was anyone in Iowa she couldn't beat.  "Of course I can beat anyone else in the state.  I've been wrestling for my entire life, and have maintained an undefeated record throughout my entire high school career."  Collins, who has a career record of 1-0, and wrestles at 5'1", 105 lbs.,  is known for often referencing the match between herself and Courtney Gardner, in which Collins pinned the much weaker Gardner, who was clearly just trying to make some kind of point about women's rights or feminism or one of those causes high school girls take part in just to get attention before developing an eating disorder.
    
     Newspapers all over the wrestling-crazed state immediately began to speculate over the potential matchup.  Reporters were quick to pronounce Wittmore as the likely favorite, pointing out that Collins is involved in numerous extracuricular activities outside of high school wrestling, which could potentially distract her should the match eventually take place.  Collins is an active member of her student government, serving on both the Fundraising Team and also the Council of Student-Teacher Relations.  Along with her student government responsibilities, Collins is also one of the school's best actresses, most recently starring as the mentally challenged character, Radio, in the school's stage rendition of the classic film, "Radio".  "She's also," as Wittmore, "a fucking girl."

     As the week went on, however, many reporters eerily began to change their minds; especially after Wittmore proclaimed he would never wrestle his female challenger.  Polk County wrestling beat writer Rick Gingerface was the first to call into question Wittmore's courage.  "Honestly, I think he might be scared.  He thinks that just because he's got washboard abs and pecs that can't be tamed, that he's somehow unbeatable.  Aaron Wittmore is definitely beatable.  Lets not forget the two losses he suffered in the beginning of his freshman season.  I don't care how hot his new barbed wire tatoo around his bicep is, he's in no way indestructable." 

     When asked his opinion of the potential matchup, Wittmore's long-time varsity coach Tom Wachowski was stumped about the outcome as well.  "There are just so many variables that can come into play," Wachowski explained.  "Aaron's 5'9' and weighs 215, so he's got the obvious size advantage.  But the girl's never lost, so who are we to assume she has any weakenesses at all?"

     Wachowski continued to demonstrate his experience in the sport, continuing his discourse on the disadvantages facing his star wrestler.  "I don't think anyone's even brought in the boner factor yet.  I've been watching boys stiffen up while rolling around on the mats for years, and that was while wrestling with other boys.  Wittmore's equipment was also called into question by his coach.  "Lets just say the third arm of justice does rise to the occasion in this scenario.  What the hell's he supposed to do with ole acorn andy buggin at him?  He hasn't got him a draw string, so he can't institute the 'carolina sneak n' tuck'.  He's got no choice, he's just got to hit the ground until the giving tree blows back down, and who knows how many moves she could pull on him in that time?"  Unable to come up with a clear favorite, the coach eventually sat down and gave up. 
   
     A statewide poll taken after the Wachowski interview showed that 54% of readers think Wittmore would win the match, 39% think Collins would win, and the remaining 7% can't seem to think about anything but dicks.  "And no one's even mentioned the fact that this chick's got titties.  We've a a 2 to 1 T to D ratio here," proclaimed Wachowski.  All things considered, it appears we will never know who would win in a match between Wittmore and Collins.  Though Collins seems determined to keep the prospective competition alive, Wittmore would not acknowledge the posssibility.  When asked if he'd consider the option for something as simple and non-threatening as a charity event at some point in the future, Wittmore replied "I swear to God, if anyone else asks me to fight this chick I will choke slam them to the ground!"  The media then went into an immediate frenzy to determine how far away Collins was at that moment.
     -Ian Swanson

Powell Wants Answers About "Curveball"

CNN Headline - 2/17/11

Jackson, TN – West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx minor league infielder, Burt Powell, is demanding some answers about a pitch thrown in the 3^rd inning of yesterday’s opening day spring training game. The pitch, which reportedly had an irregular trajectory, was thrown by Jacksonville Suns pitcher, Andrew Kostner, and left Powell staring with wide-eyed disbelief at home plate.

“I’ve never seen anything like that before in my life,” said Powell. “I knew something was off right away because the ball wasn’t coming straight at me. It was heading high up, out of the strike zone, and I just figured it was a bad pitch. Then, all of a sudden, the ball magically dips and drops clear across the plate for strike three.”

Powell, 26, has been playing minor league baseball for 7 years and has seen his share of bad pitches. However, the second baseman, who can also play short and third, had never seen a pitch change direction so radically. Naturally, the befuddled Powell had some questions about what happened. “I have some questions about what happened out there,” Powell said after the game. “First of all, I want to know how that was even possible, or if it is possible – as I haven’t ruled out some sort of radio transmitter or magnet trickery, or plain old magic, for that matter. But first, we need to get NASA or some physicist in here to determine if a ball-shaped ball can even move up and down like that.

“Also, was that a regulation baseball? Maybe someone should take a closer look at that ball. It could have air pockets in it or something, like a wiffle ball. I've seen wiffle balls move like that, but those are wiffle balls – so it makes sense.”

Fans at the game were equally confused by the pitch, but are upset Powell just stood there like a dope and didn’t try to hit the ball or anything. Powell still doesn’t know what he was supposed to do about the pitch, as hitting it seemed out of the question to him with a bat he called “useless.”

“How am I supposed to hit a ball moving like that with a straight stick of wood?” he asked. “It’d be impossible. So I just stood there. It was all I could do. Seriously, what was I supposed to do?”

Powell understands the fan reaction, but believes any hostility over the pitch should be directed at the pitcher, Kostner, not himself. “Who the hell is this ‘Kostner’ guy anyway?” Powell rightfully wondered aloud. “Where did he come from? How does he know how to make a ball go like that? What if the ball hit me, did he even care about my safety? What the hell does he call that pitch? I want this guy tested. I want answers.”

Kostner, 22, is supposedly a top prospect in the Marlins organization but doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page, and doesn’t understand the media circus the pitch has created. “It was a curveball. I’ve been throwing it since high school,” he claims. “I don’t understand how this Powell guys has gotten this far in baseball without ever seeing a curveball. Jesus Christ,” he said, suddenly perking up and laughing to himself. “He’s gonna shit himself next week when we play them and John [Hartsock] throws a knuckleball.”

– Archibald Spangler

Klepto Kitty A Real “Cat” Burglar

CNN Headline - 2/15/2011

San Mateo, Calif – A bay area suburban neighborhood has been the target of one of the most prolific thieves in California’s history.  There is a cat burglar on the loose, picking off anything that isn’t nailed to the ground.  The stolen property is rumored to be in the range of 600 items collected over three years.  The suspect appears to be an ordinary house cat by day, but when the sun sets, the cat affectionately known to the Johnston-Rainey family as, Xerxes, sets out to scour the neighborhood for anything that she could add to her collection.

     “After me and my husband’s show was cancelled from the Discovery Channel, we found this stray cat that just wouldn’t leave us alone.  So we ended up taking her in and caring for her,” recalls Matthew Johnston former host of the hit TV series “It Takes a Thief.”  The now proud owners of this tremendously sneaky feline, Matthew Johnston and Jon Douglas Rainey, used to produce a show on the Discovery Channel titled “It Takes a Thief.”  The two now happily married couple who met while taping the show, would stage fake robberies with the owners’ permission to show how inept a homeowner was from a pending break in.  “There really isn’t any other kind of rush you can get from breaking into a home with the permission from the homeowners.  It’s completely liberating and the thought that the cops might catch us but then let us go immediately once they realize we are taping a fake burglary television show, is the greatest sense of euphoria I have ever had in my life,”   stated Rainey. 

     Johnston and Rainey are now retired fake burglars that sit at home in their bay area home milking the interest off of the thousands of dollars they earned while on the hit Discovery Channel show.  They fill their long days by playing golf, taking long walks, and on occasion stage a fake robbery on their own home.  What Johnston and Rainey failed to notice from these activities is that Xerxes had become somewhat of a fake professional herself.  “After a few of our fake home invasions we noticed that Xerxes would leave at dusk and not return until dawn with a stock pile of stolen goods,” admitted Rainey.  “I never thought our fake actions would result in real life actions from our cat.”

      The items that Xerxes have stolen during her three year reign are simply astounding.  This 20 pound Brazilian Shorthair equipped with the dangerous knowledge of fake burglary has done some real damage.  The highlights from Xerxes’ career include 37 pairs of swim trunks, 12 pairs of Airwalk tennis shoes, 26 pairs of lady’s undergarments,  4 Hootie and the Blowfish cassette tapes, 1 basketball hoop, 3 ping pong tables, and 1 life size Barbie.  No small feat for any thief - human or feline.

     The neighbors that live around the Johnston-Rainey residence have a mixed reaction to the actions of Xerxes.  Janice Cuntz complains to the local animal shelter on a weekly basis, stating “I will not tolerate this behavior.  A place where animals are free to roam the streets at night taking whatever it is they want?  There must be consequences.   I don’t care that its owners are some type of superb fake burglars.  It still isn’t right!” 

     Another resident, Robert Marlien overhears Janice and chimed in, “Relax lady it’s just a cat with a very awesome set of skills.  If I notice that anything is missing I just go over to the super weird, gay couple’s house and ask for it back.  Why don’t you try it next time and get a new hobby other than stalking this cat’s whole life.”

Xerxes, a cat raised by fake burglars, prowls the streets at night carrying on her owners’ dream of pseudo robbery.

     
    -Sean Furlong

Obama: U.S. Needs to Build Stuff Again

CNN Headline - 2/7/2011

Washington D.C. - President Obama held a press conference this morning, taking time off his normal Monday routine of basketball and celebrity gossiping, in order to announce to the media that the United States needs to "build stuff again."  Reporters in attendance at the conference appeared skeptical of the President, noting that he was not portraying the calm and collected demeaner that Americans have become accustomed to.

     "It was actually very strange," remarked Washington Post reporter Ronald Aguilar.  "Usually when the President is speaking I feel an easing, comfortable wave of emotion sweep over me.  Which is usually followed by the feeling of someone tickling the small of my back, and then nibbling on my earlobe.  But today's press conference didn't make me feel any of those things."  Aguilar wasn't the only person that noticed a change in Obama's presentation.  Numerous journalists, representing at least 6 different major news sources, agreed that there was definitely something a little off about the President's behavior.

     "The President began with the same 'my fellow Americans' that we're all used to," reported MSNBC's Nicholas Resmund.  "We assumed he was going to address the new budget cut proposal, but what actually transpired was an entire spiel about how Americans need to start building 'stuff' again.  No, I'm serious.  He actually used the word 'stuff'." 

     Although the President initially seemed rather vague when introducing his new innovation proposal, he did go into some detail as to what kind of ingenuity he is looking to see in the future.  The following is a word-for-word  recitement of the President's speech.

     "One idea could be like a car or something that also turns into a truck.  Oh! Oh! And it can also drive on water, through oceans like a shark!"  Uncertain of why the President could be suggesting the idea so publicly, some reporters asked if the President planned to use the new vehicle for the transportation of military personell.  "Oh ya, that'd be killertits.  And it could have missiles on it also, and it would be able to fly through the air."  The President then started demonstrating with his hands, motioning them as though they were flying cars.  "And one could have a huge claw underneith it, and it could pick things up all like 'clawwwwwwww, clawwwwwwww' and then it could fire missiles at other flying cars all 'pew pew pew'!"  The President continued the battle for several minutes, only confusing the attentive media further.  "And then we would kill all the tanks, and they'd be all 'Noooooooooooooooo' and then be all 'bfffffsssssshhhhh' and that'd be how they'd explode!"

     "There was one point where he stepped down from the podium all together, at which point he actually started running around the stage shooting other imaginary tanks and flying car-trucks that haven't been invented yet," recounted Resmund.  "I was so taken aback by what I was witnessing, there was one point where I literally asked him 'Mr. President, with all due respect, are you out of your God damn mind?'"  The President responded by raising his hand in a fake gun shooting motion, quoted Neo from the Matrix, and made an another explosion sound."  Several of the President's head security officials began chasing him around the stage in attempt to silence the President.  The President proved once again to be the most agile of all commander in chiefs throughout history, commanding 3 whole minutes of ducking and dodging before his security team could bring him down.  All in all, the President finished the press conference with 6 broken tackles, 4 spin moves, for 64 total yards on the ground, with his pants only falling down twice during the process.

     The DEA is reviewing all White House security tapes from the previous week to determine if any known crack dealers had made it onto the premesis.

    -Ian Swanson
 

Norwegian Boy Fends Off Wolves Using Creed Song

CNN Headline – 2/10/11

The Woods, Norway – A fourteen year-old Norwegian boy escaped certain death this weekend as he fought off a pack of hungry wolves using only his Walkman and a carefully selected song by the former American punk-rock band Creed.

Saturday morning began like any other weekend morning for Bjarne Marksten, he woke up, ate frosted flakes while watching Nicktoons on his tube TV, and then set off for a stroll through the woods to fetch his mother some groceries – not before grabbing his Walkman and the CD, My Own Prison, which would eventually save his life. He took his usual route down a snow-covered Elk Lane and made it all the way to the bent tree right past the old Skaardal place before he sensed something was wrong.

“I just got that feeling that someone or something was following me, watching me,” says the brave young man. “I turned the music down a little bit and kept on going. Mother really needed some dill and mustard sauce for the Rakfisk we were to have for dinner.”

A sense of dread steadily grew in young Marksten’s heart as he made his way to market, but he was determined not to let mother down, and he pushed onward. About halfway between his house and the village, Marksten heard the snap of a twig and a snarl behind him. He turned around to come face-to-face with five wolves.

“There were five of ‘em, yep,” Marksten recalls. “At first I didn’t know what to do, but luckily my instincts kicked in and I didn’t panic.” That’s the first thing Marksten did right, as a display of panic will ignite aggression in the wolf and cause it to spring into viscous attack-mode. What you're supposed to do when attacked by wolves is calmly make eye contact with the wolf, slowly load and aim your shotgun, and fire a warning shot. Hopefully that will scare the predator away, but if it doesn’t, you are advised to re-aim and blow the species to smithereens. Marksten, foolishly, wasn’t carrying his shotgun that day. “I didn’t think I’d need a shotgun that day,” Marksten recalls his idiotic decision. “It had been a fair winter and there was plenty of game for the wolves to devour. I don’t think these were hungry wolves, they must have been rabid.”

With no shotgun, Marksten was armed with only the violent, thrashing guitar, the sporadic and tuneless baseline, and thunderous whiney wailings of Scott Stapp. “I’m kind of a social outcast, a bit of a loner, so I sorta like Creed cause I identify with them,” Marksten reluctantly admits. “But I know most people hate them. Even the few friends I have are astonished I still listen to Creed nearly a decade after it was even close to socially acceptable to do so. They’re always telling me, ‘Bjarne, I cant believe you still listen to that whiney pussy shit. At least grow some balls and listen to Hinder or Daughtry or something.’ One time I made my friend Erik, who’s tone-deaf and almost as big of a loser as me, listen to Creed cause I thought maybe he could identify with them, like me. After about thirty seconds his right ear started to bleed and he had to be taken to the hospital. He still can’t hear out of that ear. Anyway, when I remembered that story I knew I had a chance against the wolves.”

Marksten slowly removed his headphones and had enough sense to wait until the speakers where pointed directly at the wolves before reaching into his pocket, grabbing his Walkman, and turning the volume to full blast. Norwegian wolves, especially these wolves – believed to be of the Koppang Pack – have extraordinary hearing. Their ears are finely tuned to the rhythmic winds and caws inherent in nature’s orchestra, and could hear a mouse scuffle across a dead leaf from a mile away. When something as unnatural and confusing as Creed’s “music” was blasted just feet away from them, their bodies didn’t know how to react.

“I turned on ‘Torn’ and the wolves, in unison, were almost instantly sprawled on the ground, foaming at the mouth and trying to bury their ears. I started to walk backwards, keeping the speakers pointed at the wolves, until I was about 100 metres away. By then the wolves were regaining consciousness and backing away themselves in the opposite direction. That’s when I turned and ran, still with my headphones over my shoulders and the music up all the way.”

Marksten made it to market, where he bought his mother the dill and mustard sauce, as well as borrowing a shotgun for the return trip. Marksten, ironically, loves wolves and often studies different packs in his free time. Despite the recent incident with the wolves, Marksten’s attitude towards wolves hasn’t changed. “I love wolves,” he says. “I think they’re beautiful creatures. The ones that attacked me are only a small sample size, and there was definitely something wrong with them. I’m only glad I wasn’t listening to Nickelback that day or I might’ve killed them.”

-Pete Higgins

Something On National Mall On Fire

CNN Headline – 2/7/11

Washington D.C. – This is no smoke screen: something is definitely going up in flames at the National Mall in the Woodley Park area in Washington D.C. Several mall-goers confirmed seeing flames somewhere in the northwest corner of the mall, over by the Macy's, early Monday morning. As of right now it is unclear what exactly is on fire, but we now know for sure that something absolutely is in the process of burning to the ground.

The fire may have started around the time that last night’s Super bowl ended, but we can’t know for sure because no one was looking. First to arrive near the scene was mall security guard Eric Hudson, who recalls seeing something bright emanating from the corner of the mall that houses GameStop, and one of the mall’s four Starbucks. “I saw something glowing over there,” said Hudson, pointing in the general direction of the blaze. “But fire isn’t really my job, so I just left it alone. I told Gary about it, and as far as I see it that fulfils my responsibility.”

Mall-goers and employees alike share in Hudson’s opinion on what they should do about the fire. Corner Bakery employee, Melissa Hardquist, confirms that there is indeed a fire in the mall, but doesn’t see how it should affect her. “My day is super busy as it is,” she said. “I don’t need some stupid fire coming along and ruining things for me.” The Corner Bakery is at the edge of the north food court and only a couple stores down from the section of the mall currently engulfed in flames, so Hardquist saw the fire but, like all the other mall employees, was helpless to do anything about it. “I saw some flames coming out of what might have been Radio Shack, but I was running late to work and had no time to go check it out. Besides, I’m no fireman. I don’t know the first thing about putting out fires, that’s not what I get paid to do.”

The fire, though certainly an inconvenience, didn’t stop shoppers from accomplishing what they came to the mall to do. Sharper Image customer, Dan Parsons, acknowledged the fire upon his arrival, but didn’t let it deter him from buying the Mangroomer Electric Back Hair Shaver he came to the mall for in the first place. “Fires are great and everything. I mean, who doesn’t love a good fire?” said Parsons as he made his way across the Butterfly Parking Lot to his car. “But there’s a time and a place for fires, usually a fireplace or campsite, not at the mall. When I go to the mall, I just get in, get what I came for, and get outta there. I hate dealing with all the people and lines there, so I try to make it as quick as possible. I can’t take time to deal with every burning building I see, especially not at the mall where you can get sidetracked so easily. I’m sure mall security will call someone to take care of it. Not my problem.”

Several other shoppers echoed Parsons’ sentiment. It’s common knowledge that people go to the mall to shop, eat, watch a movie, or maybe even ice skate depending on which mall you go to, but hardly anyone goes to put out a fire. So it makes perfect sense that most people at the mall tried to ignore the fire making its way towards Abercrombie and Fitch. However, there are certain people who do come to the mall to put out a fire: firemen. When Hudson’s boss, Gary Tyler, found out about the fire, he alerted the mall’s Director of Custodial Services, believing the fire to be more of a custodial issue than a security issue. The Director of Custodial Services then informed the mall’s Operations Manager that something was on fire in the northwest corner; and the Operations Manager called the D.C. fire department. “We’d be happy to go out to the mall and put out that fire, that’s what we get paid to do,” said D.C. Fire Commissioner, William Bedford. “However, the National Mall in Woodley Park is outside city limits and therefore outside of our jurisdiction as the city of Washington D.C.’s Fire Department. It’s a Woodley Park fire and must be put out by Woodley Park firemen.”

As of press-time no firemen had arrived on the scene yet, as the Woodley Park Fire Department argued that under section 42.b of the City Code, once a fire reaches a certain size the DCFD is required to come out and assist with extinguishing the fire. The two departments have agreed to wait until the fire reached the required size before they would begin to put it out.

It is unlikely we will ever know what was originally on fire, as the flames have spread considerably since we first started reporting that something was on fire over at the National Mall, and it will be almost impossible to determine where the fire originated now that the whole north side of the mall is in flames. Regardless of what started the fire, it is now safe to say that, generally speaking, the National Mall is on fire. Hopefully they put it out soon, but, personally, I'm not too concerned about it. My assignment was to write 1000 words on what was on fire, and even though I’ve only got a hair over 900 words, I consider that close enough and my assignment completed.

-Pete Higgins

Guy Spends Month Sleeping With Lions

CNN Headline - 1/31/2011

Cape May, NJ - After 30 days, area man Vinny Bazutto has climbed back over the 12 foot fence at the Cape May Zoo, which separates the zoo's African lions from their human spectators.  Bazutto, 29, originally entered the lions' den on January 1st of this year.  The spectacle frightened and confused many, who could not understand why a grown man would willingly place himself in such a dangerous environment.  When questioned about his motive, it seems that it was Bazutto's ego, more than anything, that led him toward the decision.

   "I'm just sick of seein' pussies like Ashton Kutcher gettin' so much props for hookin' up with cougars," said Bazutto, who is appears completely unaware of the term's modern societal implication.  "I mean, did you even see The Guardian?  That movie was fuckin' bullshit!"  It appears Bazutto, who shares an apartment with his 3 cousins of no relation, actually believes that younger male celebrities are having sex with wild mountain cats to prove their alpha male status over peers.  "I swear on my mother, you put any of those weak pansies against me, or any of my boys, they'd get they heads wacked in."  Bazutto continued his rant for several minutes, stopping periodically to flex his muscles and comment on this broad he banged this one time that had tits the size of his head.  When asked if he actually had sex with the lions, Bazutto remained cocksure.  "No doubt.  I did every one a dem lions.  These weren't no fluffy cougars either.  You know, why?  Cause everyone knows lions are the toughest, most badass creatures on Earth."

   When asked why nobody bothered to pull the man out of the den, head security guard Tom Wozniak seemed surprised.  "Are you kidding me, have you ever met the guy?"  It seems as though upon learning of Bazutto's intrusion, the zoo's security force decided that this was not necessarily the worst thing in the world.  "Anyone that's ever met Vinny Bazutto knows that society is better off when he is behind bars."  The security team notified the zoo's top administrative officials, as well as local police authorities.  "Go ahead and ask the police, they were on board with us from the beginning."  Wozniak also stated that the zoo's security tapes prove that no sexual activity actually took place between Bazutto and the cats.  "Oh he definitely tried.  Nothing came of it though.  It amazes me that in this day in age we might actually have to put up signs that read 'PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH LIONS' VAGINAS'."

   This isn't to say, however, that Bazutto isn't getting any recognition for his stunt.  A two hour security video of Bazutto crying in the fetal position received its one millionth hit on youtube this morning.  Bazutto is rejecting all notoriety.  "The guy in that movie is a fuckin' pussy" proclaimed Bazutto after being shown a clip from the video.  "It's probably Ryan Reynolds or someone pretending to be me, because they know they wouldn't last a minute with those lions."  Bazutto went on antagonizing the non-present Reynolds for several minutes, accusing the actor of attempting to slander Bazutto.  According to Bazutto, Reynolds is apparently jealous of how jacked Bazutto is, and embarrassed that Bazutto could totally kick his ass and beat him in arm wrestling.  "You hear me Reynolds?  You wouldn't last a minute up in the 848, remember that!"

Bazutto's challenge was cut short by local police, who arrested him for acting as a public nuisance, as well as attempted beastiality.

   -Ian Swanson

Why You're Not Seeing Fitness Results So Far

CNN Headline 1/28/2011 

      The National Association for Health and Fitness released a report on Monday, the last day of January, 2011, documenting the physical health of Americans across the country.  Numerous experts were consulted to complete the study, and all have seemingly reached a consensus.... America is fatter than ever.
  

     "Let's put it this way," said NAHF member Howard Rizzo, "this last new year more than half of the American population made the resolution to get into shape.  At this point, not even 1 full month after promising themselves they would truly make an effort to improve their physical health, more than 3/4 of those people are reporting that they're actually worse off physically than before making the resolution in the first place."  Rizzo, who has been on the board of the NAHF for 16 years, gave a few bullet points on why American's have such a hard time achieving their fitness goals.

"Genealogy

Let's face it, you're fat.  You've always been fat.  And chances are you're always going to be fat, you fat fatty.  You're mom was fat, your dad was fat, both of their parents were fat. Even your dog's fat, but that's probably because you don't walk him enough, or walk much at all for that matter.  You're what we in the industry call "nature's misfortunes".  If we're being honest with ourselves, you never really had a chance, did you blimptits?  So don't feel so bad, because it's not your fault.  Sure, you make the resolution every year that you'll replace your daily #4 value meal at McD's with lean rice cakes, but what happens?  You become miserable, for two reasons really. Number 1: you're not getting the daily lard fix you've spent the last 33 years acquiring an addiction towards, and instead are force feeding yourself edible styrofoam.  Number 2: After 4 weeks of eating nothing but all-natural cat food, you haven't lost a pound, which makes you look at the mirror in an even more depressed fashion than you normally would.  And as for how you feel?  Horrible, just as horrible as you did when you were chowing on KFC Doubledowns. So what do you do?  You quit, and no one likes a quitter.  But then again, people do like fat people.  Find me a mentally sane individual that doesn't enjoy Chris Farley or Santa Clause and I'll punch you in the face for even trying.  So relax, it's okay.  You're off the hook.  You lucky bastard.

Distractions
Signing up for the gym and putting the first month's payment down is easy, but actually going?  You'll go once, and you'll probably see a lot of you're pot-bellied friends - they made the same resolution you did.  But then you realize that the the TVs around the gym have the newest episode of Real Housewives on, and there's a juice bar next to the pool, and they serve "health-fries" and "low-carb chicken strips" too!  Now before you know it your whale-belly is balls deep in your third bowl of frogurt, and you haven't even attempted your first sit-up.  Well guess what lunchbox, chewing isn't a sport.  And all that bullshit about how many calories you burn by laughing with your friends at the pool over how much of a slut Suzy's been lately isn't getting you anywhere, is it sattlebags?

Excuses

We've all done it, and we've all suffered from it.  The difference is, you've made it obvious you suffer from it.  You had every intention of driving to the gym after work today, but then you heard Jersey Shore was airing a special Monday episode where Snookie gets arrested.  Or you drank skim milk with your Cookie Crisp this morning instead of 2%, so that's the same as jogging for 30 minutes, right?  Think again butterball.  You're doing it again, the same thing you did last year.  And before you know it your excuses for not working out have become your habits again.  Oh, do you're legs hurt?  Cry about it pudge muffin.  Is it too cold to go jogging today?  That XX-Large parka wasn't bought to sit in your closet.  The fact is this is never going to be easy, and you're never not going to have something else you'd rather be doing.  So what's more important in the bigger picture? That's what I thought. So get off your ass and lace up your Nikes, you're not going to be able trade in those elastic jeans just sitting there reading this, are you thunder thighs?"

The thoughts and opinions of Howard Rizzo accurately reflect the thoughts and opinions of this news source.

-Ian Swanson