Dog Eats Diabetic Man's Toes, Part of His Foot

CNN Headline – 3/3/2011

Astoria, WA – Grover, a local golden retriever, has eaten his human’s left toes and part of the adjoining foot. While this may seem commonplace in many dog circles, what makes Grover’s story so remarkable is that his human, John Winchester, is a diabetic, and Grover has lived to tell the tale.

For years diabetics were thought to be poisonous to dogs, on par with chocolate, grapes, poison, and chocolate-covered grapes. Bitches across America have told horror stories to their pups about what happens to a good dog’s insides if he so much as licks his diabetic owner. But now, thanks to Grover, and his heroic actions born out of desperation, that perception might be changing.

     On the morning of February 17, Grover sat alone in his human’s apartment. About an hour earlier, the human left the apartment for the first time in weeks to, as Grover hoped, do some grocery shopping and pick up some dog food. “He hadn’t fed me in a week, maybe a week and a half,” said the emaciated retriever. “The fat shit sits around all day watching anime cartoons and eating, but he can’t find the time to feed his Grover? No. He doesn’t walk me either. That hasn’t happened since he discovered Youporn. Now, with Peapod, he has no reason to leave the apartment – ever. So when he finally left, I figured maybe he was gonna start to get his life back together and start taking care of me again.

'When he came home with only a jug of hand lotion, some Kleenex, and the new God of War game, I knew I was gonna have to make my own luck – and soon.'”

     
     Three days later, after nearly two weeks, or three and a half months in dog years, of not eating, the malnourished Grover knew he was facing his final hours if he didn’t act quick. Grover knew his human was diabetic – he had seen the pillboxes and insulin shots – and he knew the lore of exploding organs associated with consuming diabetics, but, as Grover says, his days were numbered. “My days were numbered, and I knew it. I had already licked every nook and cranny in the place searching for crumbs, but, for as fat, stupid, and lazy as John is, he’s an amazingly efficient eater. Maybe that’s what gave him diabetes in the first place. The only source of food left was John himself,” Grover said. “I was scared shitless, actually I was starved shitless, but you get my point. I was delusional and desperate and I figured if I was gonna go, I was at least gonna take some of John with me.”


     And so, on February 20^th, the fateful moment finally arrived. Grover curled up under the desk where his human was watching internet porn, and came face to foot with his destiny. “I knew it had to happen while John was jerking-off. He gets so lost in porn he has no idea what’s going on around him. A few weeks earlier, back when I still had some food to shit out, I took a piss on him while he was rubbing and tugging, hoping he might get the hint and take me on a walk. But he just kept stroking away. He was gonna have to be distracted while I ate his foot, and his morning tug-sesh was my best shot. I guess porn saved my life,” Grover said with a laugh, but then became instantly more sullen as he recalled the terror of the experience. “Once I was down there, and John was in the zone, I knew it was now or die. There was no thinking. I licked at first and when I didn’t immediately drop dead I found the courage to bite.”

Grover started with the baby toe and worked his way up. By the time he had finished all five toes, a determined madness had overcome him. “I couldn’t stop after the toes,” Grover remembers, absently gazing into the beyond. “I was starving, dammit, and diabetics are delicious.” Its true. Diabetics are said to be extremely tasty, what with all the sugar and fatty food they eat before the disease kicks in. Sadly, it is the legend of delicious diabetics that has led many dogs to their death in search of that wonderful taste.

“I made it about a quarter of the way up his foot when John snapped back to reality and screamed. He kicked me, stupidly with his chewed foot, and ran for the door,” says Grover. “He was gone for a day before he came home. I thought he was gonna kill me, but he got down and hugged me. I guess it took his half his foot getting chewed off to snap John out of his funk, but he’s turning back to his old self now.”

     Grover’s story has inspired science Collies across the country to begin research on diabetes and its effects on the digestive system of dogs. Breakthroughs have already been made, and soon, hopefully, every dog with a diabetic owner will be able to lick and teethe on their humans without fear of their insides exploding. And we owe it all to the bravery and remarkable resolve of one very special golden retriever.

     -Pete Higgins