Indianapolis, IN - The war on drugs in America was dealt yet another damaging blow today, when five young boys were spotted openly abusing a controlled substance that is presumed to have been stolen from one of the boy's parents. The incident in question took place, of course, in America's heartland, in the cafeteria of a small, middle class neighborhood's elementary school.
Indian Creek Elementary was overrun by reporters today, a day after five students from Mr. Stecker's 4th grade class were seen eating a white powdery substance during their lunch hour. The presence of illegal drugs in the school was first noticed by physical education teacher Tom Roeing, who had been assigned lunchroom supervisor for the day, even though he requested off so he could watch the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament.
Roeing reportedly took notice of the five children, while the students were pouring the remnants of a small cellophane bag, containing an estimated 6 grams of cocaine, onto a turkey sandwich. The sandwich supposedly belonged to 9 year old Petey Richart, made by his mommy earlier that morning.
According to Roeing, the five children began acting rambunctiously, and even overly emotional. Roeing stated, "Even little Billly Thompson was doing things that seemed extreme, and he's got that 80-HD thing or whatever."
By the time the manic episode was over, six tables had been flipped over, thirteen little girls were crying, and a record fifty-seven indian burns had been given - two of which were to school administrators. Perhaps nothing was more shocking, however, than when Thompson ran head first through a plate glass window, breaking free from the confines of the cafeteria and sprinting into the street screaming "more turkey, more turkey." All of this took place, mind you, while Thompson was butt naked.
The school's administrative officials were outraged, but not nearly as concerned as the students' parents. By the time the day was over, District Superintendent Brandon Morehead was quick to point the finger. "I think it's quite clear who is to blame for today's incident," Oberline stated in an emergency PTA metting held that night, at which the parents of all five boys were in attendance. "Over the last ten years, this school district has spent thousands of dollars on a program designed to prevent the very events which took place this afternoon. And it is with much sadness that I have to admit today that the D.A.R.E. program has truly proven ineffective for educating children about illegal drugs."
Parents and teachers alike agreed that the program has become obsolete. Many of whom, admittedly, were graduates of the D.A.R.E program back in its early beginnings. "Back when I was a D.A.R.E. student," began local parent Tom Dornicus, "things were different. I remember seeing Officer Karen in our school and knowing, today I'm going to learn something that I can actually use in real life. By the time I reached junior high, I knew exactly how to smoke pot, snort coke, and inject myself with that beautifully horrible substance, heroin."
Fellow parent Molly Whitmore echoed Dornicus' claim. "It's very clear that the program is skewed. Drugs have always been something that are presented to you at a party by older kids, who tell you that you won't be cool like them unless you do it too. But apparently now the motto has changed to 'steal your parents' blow and sprinkle it on your friends' sandwiches', which is something I don't agree with at all."
When confronted about the idea of the new motto at the PTA meeting, officer Karen was outraged. "That's ridiculous. The only thing I've ever taught these kids was that drugs can ruin lives and that they should stay away from them no matter what!" A loud commotion quickly erupted over the large gathering of parents, with numerous parents making their way to the podium to voice their complaints.
"See this is what I'm talking," began Michael Keys, father to fifth grader Tommy Keys. "I asked my son this morning what he would do if someone ever offered him a speedball. Do you know what he told me?" The crowd quieted in anticipation of what the parents feared they already knew. "He told me that he'd mix between throwing and kicking the ball to keep the other team on their toes." It seems young Tommy thought his father was referring to a popular gym-class game that's somewhat of a mix between soccer and basketball, and not the mind-blowing combination of cocaine and heroin.
The crowd instantly resumed its uproar of disapproval, which was ended only when District Superintendent Brandon Morehead took to the microphone. "People, please! I think it's clear to all of us now that the program has run its course," said Morehead, quieting the crowd. Morehead apologized to all parents in attendance at the meeting, but ended the meeting taking personal responsibility for the his mistake in judgement. "I recognize now that it was our fault as an educational system to think that we were the right people to teach these children about how to deal with temptations in modern society. I promise all of you that such programs will be eliminated immediately, and that this district's students will never again be misinformed about such matters."
-Ian Swanson
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