MSNBC Headline – 3/22/11
Duluth, MN – It’s 2011 and the world is moving faster than ever; if you don’t believe me just look at the economy, Obama, Libya, or the NFL. Everyday we see new technological advances that, in one way or another, change the way we live, work, and love. With the ever-expanding role technology plays in our lives, we constantly wonder what’s next. Scientists across the globe have been working on robots since the 1950’s and will soon have developed artificial intelligence to such a degree that robots will become a regular part of our everyday life, especially in the workplace. A robot-run world is coming, and in an RHFNewz exclusive, we look at nine different fields in which humans may soon find themselves working alongside a robot, or completely replaced by an artificial man.
1. Butlers
It’s no surprise to see butlers, or servants make this list. In the 1985 film, Rocky IV, robobutler, Sico, captured the imagination of the American public, and has held a grip on our collective musings ever since. Think, we thought to ourselves, of the possibilities, of what we could do if we had a mindless robot do all the things we didn’t want to do ourselves; like bring us drinks, make us drinks, bring us sandwiches, refill our drinks, do our laundry, or any number of the millions of things we do on a daily basis. Butlers are most likely the first occupation to go when robots rise to power. Robobutlers, like all robots for that matter, are intrinsically high-risk. But we need to be especially wary of robobutlers because, thanks to iRobot, we already have evidence of our oppression turning robots violent. Which leads to our next job…
2. Soldiers
This one is easy, and we’ve already seen examples of this in real life in movies like Battle LA, Terminator, or Solo. The benefits of having a robot replace a human in battle are obvious, so I won’t state them.
3. Taxi Drivers
This is one of the few fields in which the general public would immediately see the benefits of and appreciate the robot labor. Let’s try something here: Close your eyes. Now imagine a world where you can get a taxi at will. When you get inside the taxi there is no cabbage mixed with rotting feet smell emitting from the front seat. You breathe deeply and feel no innate need to make awkward small talk about whatever obscure country your driver is from. If you don’t like the music, simply say whatever you want to listen to and the mp3 built into the robo-driver will commence playing it. You reach your destination and pay only the fare because there are no judgmental foreign eyes piercing your soul and wallet. Now open your eyes. That beautiful world you were just in isn’t in some distant Minority Report-like world. It’s just around the corner.
4. Mathematicians
Robots are basically walking, talking, breathing calculators, right? Of course I’m right, I’m writing. So as soon as scientists design the necessary artificial intelligence needed to allow robots to answer direct questions from humans, every math teacher in America will be replaced by a Math-O-Bot XR3000.
5. Cancer Patients
Certainly there’s nothing glamorous about being a cancer patient, but, until we find a cure for cancer, cancer patients are a necessity in modern society. Until that time, wouldn’t it be nice to give robots cancer instead of humans? I, for one, say an emphatic yes. Just imagine how much easier chemotherapy would be if you could pass the pain, nausea, hair-loss, and physical weakening off to a robot. And you shouldn’t feel bad about wishing this terrible disease unto a robot, because robots don’t have feelings, and these robots in particular were probably created to bear cancer.
6. Athletes
We all watch TV, and we all, at least here in America, watch football on TV. So no doubt we have all seen the Fox NFL Sunday robot and the e-surance robot dominate on the football field during commercial breaks. There’s no denying the smoothness and fluidity in which the aforementioned robots glide across the screen when they’re on it. These bots are clearly athletic specimen. We, the viewing public, demand that our athletes be the most finely-tuned athletic machines known to man. Logic states we can’t be too far from seeing robo-athletes make the jump from commercials to the main event. By the time steroids have finished advancing, and we plateau our ability to scientifically mold men into 300 pound heaps of muscle, the robo-athlete’s time will have arrived.
7. Singers
Through the use of auto-tune, synthesizers, and voice boxes, we’re really not a long way off from seeing robots completely takeover the music industry. In fact, there is no scientific evidence that the “human” called Justin Bieber isn’t a sing-bot specifically designed to rape our ears and sell things to teenage girls and my roommate, Taylor. Some argue that Disney has been producing sing-bots since the mid 1990s, with evidence ranging from Britney Spears to Raven Simone (she sings, right?) to the identity splitting Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus model.
8. Fashion Designers
If you’ve seen Mad Men on AMC then you already know a little something about ad agencies, if you haven’t then allow me to inform you. Ad agencies try to use market research to predict the future, more specifically, to predict what we, the consumer, will buy. Well, what if one robot could not only instantly analyze past market research, but also manufacture the perfect shoe or t-shirt? Fashion designers would be shit out of luck, that’s what. OK, maybe this one’s a bit of a reach, but robots have extendable arms and can reach really fucking far.
9. President
You had to have seen this one coming (and if you didn’t then you don’t think like a robot and thus have no place in the robo-ciety of the future. You should save yourself the trouble and just kill yourself now). In a robo-ciety, do you honestly believe, in your heart of hearts, that robots will elect a human as President? If so, keep dreaming, dummy.
-Pete Higgins
No comments:
Post a Comment