Washington D.C. - Iowa Senator Tom Harkin shocked the halls of the Congress this morning when he showed up with some added accessories to his routine suit and tie. The Cumming, IA native reported to work on Thursday sporting something the Legislative Branch hasn't seen on a man since its inception: a pair of earrings. As the Demographic voice representing Iowa in today's United States Senate, Harkin has often been known to stir the pot on controversial issues, but nothing about the senator could have surprised his colleagues more than when he showed up sporting a fresh pair of silver studded earrings.
"I knew as soon as I walked in it would cause some commotion," claimed Harkin. "But I'd be lying if I said I didn't know how hot everyone thought I looked."
The senator reportedly arrived this morning at 8:17AM, more than fifteen minutes after the standard start time. A loud gasp could be heard throughout the room as Harkin took his seat, at which point several whispers were heard from the collection of Harkin's peers. "It's absurd," said John Boozman (R-AR). "The man looks like a girl."
Harkin remained confidant in his fashion statement, however. "It's not surprising that some of the senators from the other states aren't as up to speed on modern vogue. They clearly don't understand how a man's accessories can highlight his attributes." Harkin went on to talk about how all of his son's friends have their ears pierced, and how an increasing amount of swagger has swept over the city since the fad hit the area. "My colleagues clearly haven't been to Des Moines recently. There's this super new place called Claire's that will pierce your ears in five minutes, it's really easy, and it barely hurts at all," Harkin said enthusiastically. "Everyone's doing it!"
While many red state senators opposed Harkin's new look, he did draw a small following of supporters within the senate. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) was quick to offer his praise, tweeting "Much love to my boy Hark-Dawg and his rockin' new lobes." Democrats from California and Arizona also offered their props, although many speculate that Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) misconstrued the fashion statement as a sign of support for gay marriage.
With the subject for debate amongst the senate quickly changing from the healthcare reform bill to Tom Harkin's new bling, Senate Majority leader Harry Reid had no choice but to remove the Iowa senator from the day's activities. The decision to dismiss Harkin from his duties on this day was seconded by Assistant Majority Leader Richard Durbin (D-IL), who thinks that Harkin's decision to pierce his ears is nothing more than a fad. "Harkin's always been somewhat of a follower, and the fact is Iowa's always been a couple years behind the curve," said Durbin. "I'm not worried about him though, I saw the same thing happen with my 13 year old son a couple of years ago. Earrings will fade quickly, and I'm really not all that concerned with the fact that he only listens to Tupac either. The real disturbance will set in when the Chinese character tattoo train rolls through Iowa. Hopefully he'll be gone by then though and we won't have to do this again."
Harkin seems unfazed by the criticism from his peers, however. He also has no secrets about his style plans for the future. "I really can't wait until my ears heal and I can trade in these studs for a fresh pair of diamonds," said Harkin. "That's when I'll really be ballin'. Speaking of which, have you heard that new song 'Ballin'?!" There is no word yet on when Harkin will be allowed back to work.
-Ian Swanson
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