Las Vegas, NV – Investment firm Leonard Green & Partners held their annual shareholders meeting this morning. With the firm’s fiscal year ending at the end of this month, the topics discussed ranged from the firm’s goals for the upcoming year to discussion on stock splits for its most heavily invested shareholders. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary until the first intermission, when founder and CEO Leonard Green was approached by 4 recent college graduates.
“When the young ladies approached me I thought this was another attempt to land a summer internship or an entry level position with my firm. What came out of their mouths took me by surprise. They offered to perform oral sex on me for a small percentage of ownership in my firm.” Stated Green, when asked about the events that transpired during the intermission.
Leonard Green & Partners was founded in 1989 by Leonard Green, who is referred to by some of his colleagues as the most typical person ever. Mr. Green grew up in the Midwest, went to Northwestern for his undergraduate business degree before earning his MBA at UCLA. He spent much of the 1980s as the Chief Financial Officer of a few major investment firms until he and a couple colleagues decided to start their own firm. Outside of his work with private equity analysis and market fluctuations Leonard Green leads a pretty dull life.
Having never been married and a self proclaimed introvert. It would be easy for one to see why Mr. Green might be contemplating this ludicrous offer from four sorority sisters out of Indiana University. When asked about their proposal only one of the girls would comment. Julie Goldstein a 24 year old graduate of the Kelley School of Business had this to say about her proposal. “Well I have never really had a job, like, ever, unless you count bribing frat guys to do your homework. That did just help graduate from IU after 6 totally awesome years. My diploma does say I have a degree in business but, the only debit and credits I know about are with my daddy’s credit card. College really wasn’t that hard, you just have to like know the right people, and whatever, have the right 'skills'. Which is exactly what I offered that old guy, the thing I do the best in the world. I told him I would suck is c**k once a year if he would give us some of his company."
After the intermission concluded Mr. Green called his senior executives into a side hallway to discuss the unique proposal. It took the group of 5 men about 15 minutes to come up with a counter offer for the group of sorority sisters. The details of which have been kept between the 5 executives and the 4 sorority sisters. The only thing that is for certain is that 4 sorority sisters from Indiana University just whored themselves out for life for some easy cash.
I love America.
-Sean Furlong
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