A Royal Wedding Without a Hitch

CNN Headline – 4/29/11

London, England – For the first time since 2005, a Royal British wedding was successfully completed from courtship, through engagement, and down to the final kiss, without the help of Alex “Hitch” Hitchens.

Hitchens, more affectionately known as Hitch to the countless couples he has played matchmaker-God with, has for years been relied upon by ugly uggos looking to “score” the woman of their dreams. “I just sets the peoples up, and let love runs its course,” Hitch said via email from America, where he was stuck watching the wedding coverage on television like an everyday sap – an unfamiliar position for a man of his stature.

“Peoples usually relies on me to helps with the findings and datings of a pretty young womans. Good peoples. Peoples who may deserves, but otherwise wouldn’t be able to obtains, these beautifuls womans,” Hitch wrote in the obviously very emotional email. “I’ve’s beens helpings the Royal Familys for years, as theys kids is usuallys pretty ugly, with the findings and datings of a womans propers enough to be a princess. I just…I just can’t believes they didn’t wants the Hitch.”

Hitch has been involved, in some way or another, in every royal relationship since the 2005 documentary about his business and relationship with Eva Mendes was released. He was stunned to discover Prince William would not require his services to court college girlfriend Kate Middleton. “I was shocked, like, shockeds,” Hitch emailed. “I mean, hows could they expects to find loves without a Hitch? It’s almost likes a slaps in the face.”

The royal couple seemed unaware of the offense they had created by not even contacting Hitch to help them fall in love. When asked how they planned to truly find love without a Hitch, Prince William responded, “Our love may not be quite as traditional as some of Brittan has grown accustomed to, but we love each other. Truly, deeply, and naturally. I know Mr. Hitch has tried very hard to help my brother Harry, but I thought eHarmony might be a more efficient route to true love, and,” Prince William paused to look longingly and romantically into the eyes of Kate Middleton, “I know I made the right decision.”

Hitch, understandably, sees things differently. “You don’t finds loves on the internets,” he wrote. “You finds loves using subtle and innocent manipulations, white lies, and carefullys arranged encounters, all occurring through a series of hilarious misunderstandings. You finds loves with Hitchs. A thankyous.”

Hunt Planets From Home

CNN Headline – 4/14/11

Washington D.C. – People are growing sick and tired of going to outer space. What has been almost commonplace for literally dozens of people over the last 4 decades is starting to become a chore for the American public as well. For those of us unwilling to put in years of training and preparation all for one stupid little planet hunting trip amongst the stars, good news is on the way. Researchers at NASA and Rockstar Games have teamed up and are developing a new technology that will allow us to hunt and destroy defenseless planets without the chore of having to go all the way to outer space.

The lure of blowing planets into oblivion is pretty goddamn self-evident to me, but my uber-fucking-picky editors want me to explain why this awesomeness is happening. So, despite most likely coming off as an idiot, I asked NASA engineer Stephen Blemica to explain why NASA and Rockstar were developing this kick-ass technology. “Americans are all about what’s new and what’s fresh,” Blemica said. “And going to outer space has been done. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and almost definitely several others have been there, done that. So to most Americans physically being in outer space is no big deal. Also it takes a lot of hard work to get there, which no one wants to do. So we decided it was time to team up with a company like Rockstar, which we knew through playing GTA and Red Dead Redemption, and develop something we could market to an average American. We contemplated what aspect of outer space we wanted to offer consumers, going over everything from gravity space bounces to making it with an alien, but deep down we knew all along what everyone wants to do in outer space. And that’s blow up a planet.”

The timing couldn’t be better. Americans are so bored with things these days, that it’s almost impossible to find something that can capture someone’s attention beyond 140 characters. Rockstar marketing executive, CJ Johnson, believes this is the ideal time in our country’s history to start marketing technology that can blow up planets from couches. “People don’t care about experiencing things anymore,” he said. “Why go two-million light years into outer space, when you can blow the shit out of some dumpy planet from your couch? Why go talk to people and socialize when you can just go on facebook and make friends, or jack-off to pictures of hot girls you’d have to otherwise go to a bar to see? Why slave over a meal when Easy Mac is virtually the same thing? It’s 2011 and doing things just doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s not a very economic use of your time, and if the downfall of the economy has taught us anything it’s that it is incredibly important to be economic – technically speaking.”

NASA and Rockstar will initially sell this technology at a price only tycoons or moguls can afford, but both companies claim it isn’t all about the benjamins. “It isn’t all about the benjamins, I mean, not 100% completely,” said Johnson. “The money will be nice, sure, but our goal is to produce this technology on such a large scale that anyone with a trust fund and a comfortable couch can hunt and destroy a planet without missing any of the awesome TV that’s on at night these days. We want to make this technology available to normal people, people like me or you, people who, since they were able to remember, have dreamed about going to outer space, finding some shitty little planet that just rubs them the wrong way, aiming a laser ray-gun at it, and blowing it to a billion little pieces. For all the people who started smoking weed, or drinking, and got fat or something along the way so that they couldn’t go to astronaut school anymore, and lost track of that childhood dream, well, now we can help them rediscover what they lost so long ago.”

Sounds beautiful, majestic even, like what it must look like to see an entire planet explode from the inside out. I, for one, can’t fucking wait.

-Pete Higgins

Dr. Drew On What Men Really Want

"Blowjobs."

-Pete Higgins

Grandma Invites Gang Members Into Home

CNN Headline - 4/8/2011

Chicago, IL - Martha Greenwalk didn't wake up Friday morning with the intention of starting the newest chapter of the West Side Souljas, but fate has a funny way of intervening, in what would have otherwise been a fairly routine Friday morning for the 86 year old grandmother.  "I was planning on waking up a little earlier than usual, so I could crush up Walter's pills and mix them into his morning oatmeal."  Apparently Walter, her 88 year old husband of 65 years, absolutely refuses to take his doctor prescribed medication, which helps ease the pain caused by arthritis.  "He says he hates the way it tastes, and that Dr. Jenkins is a fraud.  But then he complains about how much his fingers hurt all day.  I laugh sometimes about how oblivious he is."

     Around 8:30AM, three members of Chicago's local West Side Souljas gang broke through the back door wielding automatic weapons, attempting to pull an an armed robbery on the elderly couple.  But where most residents would hide in fear and attempt to contact the police, Martha took a different approach.  "I busted in and said 'bitch getcho wrinkley fat  ass on da flo'," recalls 23 year old Tarrell Watson (AKA Sho-T).  "But the bitch didn't even move, she just asked how school was and if I had eaten yet today."

     Martha recalled the entrance, "When Michael came home, I could tell he'd had a rough day," said Martha.  "He's been having some problems with bullies at his junior high school.  And I was glad to see that his friends Martin and Edwin were with him.  They really are nice boys."

     "He's in high school now," replied Walter from his chair in the living room.

     "Eighth grade is still junior high school, Walter," Martha yelled back.  "We've been over this a hundred times.  Anyways, it's that darn Ronald Scalford from main street.  He likes to give Michael a good roughhousing every once in a while on account of Michael being short for his age.  I really wish the school would do something about that blockhead."

     Martha invited each of the boys to sit down with Walter in front of the picturebox, while she fixed them a plate of carrots and cheeses.  Walter was watching his stories, but Martha assured the three gang members that they could change the channel to anything they wanted, and whispered that Walter couldn't hear that well anyways.  "I heard that," said Walter.

     "Straight talk, we all thought we were trippin' at first," said Mo-Skeet, another one of the gang members.  "But once we realized what was happening, we knew we'd found the perfect place to set up shop."  The gang moved quickly, arranging for a drop of fourteen pounds of Afghan Kush, along with fifteen pounds of Columbian White Widow - both extremely potent strands of marijuana.

     "We weren't worried at all about the turnover, especially once we got holda da wid'," said third gang member Scan-Tron, the gang's expert narcotics transporter.  "The kush though, people seen dat shit befo, an it don' move nearly as fast.  We ain' had no choice but to outsource."

     The group threw a party that night at the Greenwalk home, inviting members of rival gang, the ghostface assassins.  "The idea was simple," began Scan-Tron.  "We'd call up a few GAs that we knew from our homies back in the hood, and tell 'em we had a business proposition for them that would end in profits for both gangs.  We'd tell them we were giving them 50% off the kush, and that we wanted 50% of the profits.  That way we could expand onto more turf and move it faster than just limiting it to our hood.  The plan seemed flawless"

     The party started off epic, with numerous Souljas in attendance, many of whom brought hos along for what was sure to be a night that was truly off the chain.  Three of the rival GAs showed up to discuss business, and for a while it seemed as though everyone might actually get along.  Martha made her signature bean casserole, which was a huge hit with the gang, but refused to identify the ingredients to any of the hos in attendance.

     "I could tell some of the girls really liked Michael," said Martha of the girls at the party.  "I'm not surprised, he's very handsome, and he's also a really impressive dancer, just like his father," Martha said, flashing a quick smile in Walter's direction  Sho-T is actually known for his dancing amongst the gang.  He even pulled off the Sho-T lookaway during a breakdancing performance mid-way through the night, celebrating by making it rain all over a sleeping Walter, who had not moved from his chair since the three gang members initially arrived that morning.  Martha was quick to help Sho-T pick up the bills, warning him that he has to be more careful with his money, or some hoodlums like Ronald Scalford could come up and steal it.  "I'm always telling Michael that he would forget his head if it weren't screwed on," laughed Martha. "Right Walter, aren't I always saying that?"

     In the early morning hours of Saturday, however, the night turned sour.  A fist-fight broke out, and the fight quickly moved to the front lawn.  Never one not to back up a homie in trouble, Sho-T stepped in.  "I straight knocked one dem mawfuckas out," said Sho.  "But then another one came outa nowhere and hit me wit da butt of his gat.  When I went down, I was sure he would have shot me."

     Sho-T would have been shot too, had it not been for Martha.  Hearing the commotion outside, the 86 year old immediately leapt to the rescue like a lion protecting its cubs.  In one swift motion, Martha hit the threatening gang member over the head with a frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  "Take that, Ronald Scalford!"

     With the rival gang member unconscious on the grass outside her home, Martha helped Sho-T to his feet and assured him that Ronald Scalford is just insecure about his own weight, which is why he picks on smaller kids like Michael.  "Even though I still think violence is wrong, sometimes you just need to send a message," state Martha.  She then led him inside to get a steak for Sho-T to put on his eye.

     Heeding Martha's words, the remaining members of the GAs were each shot once in the right foot by the large possy of Souljas at the party, and told to tell their peoples not to fuck with the West Side Souljas.  Walter Greenwalk did not wake up from his nap Friday evening, and is believed to have died from natural causes.  A liquor pour out is scheduled for 11:00PM this Sunday.

     -Ian Swanson

5 Ways to Deal With Workplace Drama-Queens

CNN Headline – 4/6/11

Scranton, PA. – There’s one in every office, factory, warehouse, restaurant, or wherever else business is conducted. They are not only the center of the workplace, but of the known world. Their problems forcibly become your problems, their worries your worries, and their periods your worst nightmare. They are, of course, the workplace drama-queens. They’re persistent and unavoidable, but with these five helpful tips you’ll find you can tolerate them without committing homicide.

1. Smile and Nod

This is by far the most commonplace technique used against workplace drama-queens. It’s very simple and requires only minimal effort on your part. When Sharon from customer service meanders over to your cubicle for the third time before lunch to discuss her fat mom’s upcoming “life-threatening liposuction medical surgery procedure”, simply smile and nod. It’s really all she’s looking for as far as conversation. Her agenda in this “conversation” is two-fold: first, she wants to hear the sound of her own voice, and secondly, she wants to practice sounding sympathetic because it’s how she’s gotten this far in life and has become her only skill. In all honesty, she’d be perfectly content to sit and talk at a wall for three hours. Unfortunately, in our backwards society, this behavior is considered insane. So Sharon will find you. And she will talk at you. And when she does, just smile and nod and hope she goes away.

2. Over-Encourage

Perhaps the most complex resolution to the drama-queen problem is to over-encourage, sympathize, and agree with everything the drama-queen says. The idea here is that a positive over-reaction to the drama-queen’s ramblings is such an unusual reaction that it will confuse and disorient the drama-queen. Your unanticipated reaction will scare the drama-queen. It’s not expecting to find someone else on the brink of death because of an unjust traffic ticket. This foreign response will initially frighten the drama-queen and how it reacts to fear will determine whether you have successfully used the over-encourage technique. If you continue with positive reinforcement, the drama-queen may look at you, and without realizing it, see itself in the mirror. It will be horrified of the bubbling insane mess looking back at it, and will avoid you purely out of fear. Or maybe the fear manifests itself into hatred. The drama-queen will realize you are essentially another version of itself, and there is no room for two drama-queens in one workplace. A rivalry will blossom in the drama-queen’s mind, and you will be avoided because of an overwhelming hatred. The final possible outcome, and what makes this technique so risky, is the drama-queen overcoming it’s fear of the unknown and believing it’s finally found a peer that truly understands it. If this is the case, it will cling to you like the fat guy in the office clings to other people’s leftovers. Good luck.

3. Completely Ignore

If you find smiling and nodding just isn’t cutting it, and being nice, even if it’s fake-nice, to that fucking cunt Jen is unimaginable, you may want to try to just completely ignore her. This technique is not for the weak. It will push your patience to limits you didn’t think possible. Your part in this technique is pretty straightforward, it’s how well you pull it off, how strict you are, that makes all the difference. You have to go beyond the usual petty, passive-aggressive ignoring you do on a daily basis and bump it up a couple levels to complete and utter disregard for Jen’s being. This means absolutely no words can be spoken to her or about her in her presence. And no eye contact under any circumstance. Even when she’s not explaining theories on who her boyfriend is sleeping with, when she’s acting like another functioning member of society, when she gives you a kind smile and a “good morning”, you have to be strong, walk right past her without acknowledging her simple morning pleasantry or existence at all. She is not there.

4. Berate to the Tipping Point

Drama-queens don’t understand non-verbal cues like human beings, so when good old-fashioned ignoring it doesn’t work, you have to become verbally abusive. Tell it it’s fat. Constantly remind her that her boyfriend probably left her because she wasn’t pretty enough. Let it slip that corporate is considering cutbacks, and her department is first up. Don’t be afraid to remind her about that time last year she got drunk at the Christmas party and threw up on the intern she thought was “super hot”. Sometimes the drama-queen is a gay guy. If this is the case, be ready to drop not-so-subtle hints that you disapprove of it’s sexual orientation. Be mean. Always, unrelenting, and forever. This should drive the drama-queen away for good. If the drama-queen ever threatens a sexual harassment lawsuit as a result of your berating, there’s only one thing left to do…

5. Murder

So maybe there are only four ways to resolve your drama-queen problem that don’t end in homicide. Whatever. The best way is to follow the drama-queen home one day. That way you know it’s route. Sometime later, wait around some dark corner on the route, preferably close to an alley with lots of dumpsters. As the drama-queen approaches, jump out with a rag soaked in chloroform. Drag it into the u-haul truck you rented (pay with cash) that’s waiting around the corner with it’s inside compartment covered in plastic. Cut her up, bag her, and throw her in a few of the dumpsters. Make sure to do this the day before garbage day. If all goes as planned, that’s the last you’ll ever see of that drama-queen. But make sure your knives are sharp and you have plenty of plastic wrap leftover, cause there’s another drama-queen coming to your workplace soon.

(We apologize for making you look at Sarah Jessica Parker)

-Pete Higgins

Five Little Kids Eat Cocaine At School

CNN Headline - 3/17/2011

Indianapolis, IN - The war on drugs in America was dealt yet another damaging blow today, when five young boys were spotted openly abusing a controlled substance that is presumed to have been stolen from one of the boy's parents.  The incident in question took place, of course, in America's heartland, in the cafeteria of a small, middle class neighborhood's elementary school.

     Indian Creek Elementary was overrun by reporters today, a day after five students from Mr. Stecker's 4th grade class were seen eating a white powdery substance during their lunch hour.  The presence of illegal drugs in the school was first noticed by physical education teacher Tom Roeing, who had been assigned lunchroom supervisor for the day, even though he requested off so he could watch the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament.

     Roeing reportedly took notice of the five children,  while the students were pouring the remnants of  a small cellophane bag, containing an estimated 6 grams of cocaine, onto a turkey sandwich.  The sandwich supposedly belonged to 9 year old Petey Richart, made by his mommy earlier that morning.
  
     According to Roeing, the five children began acting rambunctiously, and even overly emotional.  Roeing stated, "Even little Billly Thompson was doing things that seemed extreme, and he's got that 80-HD thing or whatever."

     By the time the manic episode was over, six tables had been flipped over, thirteen little girls were crying, and a record fifty-seven indian burns had been given - two of which were to school administrators.  Perhaps nothing was more shocking, however, than when Thompson ran head first through a plate glass window, breaking free from the confines of the cafeteria and sprinting into the street screaming "more turkey, more turkey."  All of this took place, mind you, while Thompson was butt naked.

    The school's administrative officials were outraged, but not nearly as concerned as the students' parents.  By the time the day was over, District Superintendent Brandon Morehead was quick to point the finger.  "I think it's quite clear who is to blame for today's incident," Oberline stated in an emergency PTA metting held that night, at which the parents of all five boys were in attendance.  "Over the last ten years, this school district has spent thousands of dollars on a program designed to prevent the very events which took place this afternoon.  And it is with much sadness that I have to admit today that the D.A.R.E. program has truly proven ineffective for educating children about illegal drugs."

     Parents and teachers alike agreed that the program has become obsolete.  Many of whom, admittedly, were graduates of the D.A.R.E program back in its early beginnings.  "Back when I was a D.A.R.E. student," began local parent Tom Dornicus, "things were different.  I remember seeing Officer Karen in our school and knowing, today I'm going to learn something that I can actually use in real life.  By the time I reached junior high, I knew exactly how to smoke pot, snort coke, and inject myself with that beautifully horrible substance, heroin."

     Fellow parent Molly Whitmore echoed Dornicus' claim.  "It's very clear that the program is skewed.  Drugs have always been something that are presented to you at a party by older kids, who tell you that you won't be cool like them unless you do it too.  But apparently now the motto has changed to 'steal your parents' blow and sprinkle it on your friends' sandwiches', which is something I don't agree with at all."

     When confronted about the idea of the new motto at the PTA meeting, officer Karen was outraged.  "That's ridiculous.  The only thing I've ever taught these kids was that drugs can ruin lives and that they should stay away from them no matter what!"  A loud commotion quickly erupted over the large gathering of parents, with numerous parents making their way to the podium to voice their complaints.

     "See this is what I'm talking," began Michael Keys, father to fifth grader Tommy Keys.  "I asked my son this morning what he would do if someone ever offered him a speedball.  Do you know what he told me?" The crowd quieted in anticipation of what the parents feared they already knew.  "He told me that he'd mix between throwing and kicking the ball to keep the other team on their toes."  It seems young Tommy thought his father was referring to a popular gym-class game that's somewhat of a mix between soccer and basketball, and not the mind-blowing combination of cocaine and heroin.

     The crowd instantly resumed its uproar of disapproval, which was ended only when District Superintendent Brandon Morehead took to the microphone.  "People, please!  I think it's clear to all of us now that the program has run its course," said Morehead, quieting the crowd.  Morehead apologized to all parents in attendance at the meeting, but ended the meeting taking personal responsibility for the his mistake in judgement.  "I recognize now that it was our fault as an educational system to think that we were the right people to teach these children about how to deal with temptations in modern society.  I promise all of you that such programs will be eliminated immediately, and that this district's students will never again be misinformed about such matters."

    The meeting ended softly after this, and no charges were filed against the students, nor Officer Karen.  Officer Karen, however, was immediately relieved of her duties, for openly admitting that she was no longer teaching kids how drugs are consumed.  The D.A.R.E. program was cut out of the school curriculum the next morning, followed quickly by the elimination of the sexual education program.

     -Ian Swanson

Battle Brews Over School's Peanut Restrictions

MSNBC Headline - 3/24/2011


Aragon, GA - Nuts, nuts, nuts. One small, four letter word that has taken over the quiet town of Aragon. Located just a little over an hour outside Atlanta, the folks of Aragon typically get along quite well. With a population barely reaching the millennium mark, the simple folks of this rural Georgia town find ways to get along. That is until now.

            A young white female, by the name of Emily Stone, 4^th grade, has begun to turn heads in this predominately black town. It was just last week when little Emily did the unimaginable, used crunchy peanut butter on her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  “Emily usually sits at the table behind me. She usually sits by herself because she uses strawberry jelly and we all use grape. It always kind of annoyed us, but wasn’t that big of a deal. But last week when she took out her sandwich I knew something was wrong.” Proclaimed Lashawnda, one of Emily’s peers. It appeared that the use of an unauthorized peanut butter had been used by Emily.

           

According the AESG (Aragon Elementary School Guidelines) it clearly states in article 7 section 110 that “the use of unapproved peanut butter, i.e. crunchy, will not be acceptable and punishable by expulsion.” This guideline has been in place for the town of Aragon every since the great peanut butter disaster of 1934. Since that day there haven’t been any problems. But now, almost 70 years later, Emily’s mother, Terry, wants change. “I think my daughter deserves to have whatever type of peanut butter she wants. She likes that Flyin’ Peter boys crunchy, so I bought her that Flyin’ Peter boys crunchy.” She said, in reference to the Peter Pan brand of peanut butter.

          Protest have been going on all week to make sure Emily doesn’t come back to school with crunchy peanut butter. Mercedes, mother of Lashawnda, is the head mother in charge of having Emily banned from school. “I just can not believe what that little white girl did. I mean, who uses crunchy peanut butter? Everyone knows creamy is the right kind to use. Damn whole family is crazy.” Mercedes promises she will rest at nothing to make sure her daughter can eat lunch in a crunchy free environment.

The school PTO board has been debating non stop after initially having Emily immediately sent home from school, and suspended, following the incident last Thursday right before recess. The family and few friends of Emily think that she should not be discriminated against because of the type of peanut butter she uses.  Team Emily, as it is now being called, says that the AESG has to be changed and that the rule is simply out of date.

As for now the debate continues. The school board hasn’t changed the AESG for over two decades and it is not looking good for Emily. “Emily is a fool if she thinks the board will change the guidelines just for her, a big fool.” Lashawnda added. A hearing, entitled Crunchy vs. Creamy, has been scheduled that will ultimately decide the fate of little Emily Stone and her peanut butter sandwich. The hearing is scheduled for April 1^st, 2011. Needless to say this April 1^st, Emily won’t want to be that fool.

-Brett Miller

Leonard Green firm considering offer for BJ’s

Yahoo Finance Headline - 3/22/2011

Las Vegas, NV – Investment firm Leonard Green & Partners held their annual shareholders meeting this morning.  With the firm’s fiscal year ending at the end of this month, the topics discussed ranged from the firm’s goals for the upcoming year to discussion on stock splits for its most heavily invested shareholders.  Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary until the first intermission, when founder and CEO Leonard Green was approached by 4 recent college graduates.

     “When the young ladies approached me I thought this was another attempt to land a summer internship or an entry level position with my firm.  What came out of their mouths took me by surprise.  They offered to perform oral sex on me for a small percentage of ownership in my firm.”  Stated Green, when asked about the events that transpired during the intermission. 

     

      Leonard Green & Partners was founded in 1989 by Leonard Green, who is referred to by some of his colleagues as the most typical person ever.  Mr. Green grew up in the Midwest, went to Northwestern for his undergraduate business degree before earning his MBA at UCLA.  He spent much of the 1980s as the Chief Financial Officer of a few major investment firms until he and a couple colleagues decided to start their own firm.  Outside of his work with private equity analysis and market fluctuations Leonard Green leads a pretty dull life.

     Having never been married and a self proclaimed introvert.  It would be easy for one to see why Mr. Green might be contemplating this ludicrous offer from four sorority sisters out of Indiana University.   When asked about their proposal only one of the girls would comment.  Julie Goldstein a 24 year old graduate of the Kelley School of Business had this to say about her proposal.  “Well I have never really had a job, like, ever, unless you count bribing frat guys to do your homework.   That did just help graduate from IU after 6 totally awesome years.  My diploma does say I have a degree in business but, the only debit and credits I know about are with my daddy’s credit card.  College really wasn’t that hard, you just have to like know the right people, and whatever, have the right 'skills'.  Which is exactly what I offered that old guy, the thing I do the best in the world.  I told him I would suck is c**k once a year if he would give us some of his company."

     After the intermission concluded Mr. Green called his senior executives into a side hallway to discuss the unique proposal.  It took the group of 5 men about 15 minutes to come up with a counter offer for the group of sorority sisters.  The details of which have been kept between the 5 executives and the 4 sorority sisters.  The only thing that is for certain is that 4 sorority sisters from Indiana University just whored themselves out for life for some easy cash.

I love America.

      -Sean Furlong

Nine Jobs That Humans May Lose to Robots

MSNBC Headline – 3/22/11

Duluth, MN – It’s 2011 and the world is moving faster than ever; if you don’t believe me just look at the economy, Obama, Libya, or the NFL. Everyday we see new technological advances that, in one way or another, change the way we live, work, and love. With the ever-expanding role technology plays in our lives, we constantly wonder what’s next. Scientists across the globe have been working on robots since the 1950’s and will soon have developed artificial intelligence to such a degree that robots will become a regular part of our everyday life, especially in the workplace. A robot-run world is coming, and in an RHFNewz exclusive, we look at nine different fields in which humans may soon find themselves working alongside a robot, or completely replaced by an artificial man.

1. Butlers

It’s no surprise to see butlers, or servants make this list. In the 1985 film, Rocky IV, robobutler, Sico, captured the imagination of the American public, and has held a grip on our collective musings ever since. Think, we thought to ourselves, of the possibilities, of what we could do if we had a mindless robot do all the things we didn’t want to do ourselves; like bring us drinks, make us drinks, bring us sandwiches, refill our drinks, do our laundry, or any number of the millions of things we do on a daily basis. Butlers are most likely the first occupation to go when robots rise to power. Robobutlers, like all robots for that matter, are intrinsically high-risk. But we need to be especially wary of robobutlers because, thanks to iRobot, we already have evidence of our oppression turning robots violent. Which leads to our next job…

2. Soldiers

This one is easy, and we’ve already seen examples of this in real life in movies like Battle LA, Terminator, or Solo. The benefits of having a robot replace a human in battle are obvious, so I won’t state them.

3. Taxi Drivers

This is one of the few fields in which the general public would immediately see the benefits of and appreciate the robot labor. Let’s try something here: Close your eyes. Now imagine a world where you can get a taxi at will. When you get inside the taxi there is no cabbage mixed with rotting feet smell emitting from the front seat. You breathe deeply and feel no innate need to make awkward small talk about whatever obscure country your driver is from. If you don’t like the music, simply say whatever you want to listen to and the mp3 built into the robo-driver will commence playing it. You reach your destination and pay only the fare because there are no judgmental foreign eyes piercing your soul and wallet. Now open your eyes. That beautiful world you were just in isn’t in some distant Minority Report-like world. It’s just around the corner.

4. Mathematicians

Robots are basically walking, talking, breathing calculators, right? Of course I’m right, I’m writing. So as soon as scientists design the necessary artificial intelligence needed to allow robots to answer direct questions from humans, every math teacher in America will be replaced by a Math-O-Bot XR3000.

5. Cancer Patients

Certainly there’s nothing glamorous about being a cancer patient, but, until we find a cure for cancer, cancer patients are a necessity in modern society. Until that time, wouldn’t it be nice to give robots cancer instead of humans? I, for one, say an emphatic yes. Just imagine how much easier chemotherapy would be if you could pass the pain, nausea, hair-loss, and physical weakening off to a robot. And you shouldn’t feel bad about wishing this terrible disease unto a robot, because robots don’t have feelings, and these robots in particular were probably created to bear cancer.

6. Athletes

We all watch TV, and we all, at least here in America, watch football on TV. So no doubt we have all seen the Fox NFL Sunday robot and the e-surance robot dominate on the football field during commercial breaks. There’s no denying the smoothness and fluidity in which the aforementioned robots glide across the screen when they’re on it. These bots are clearly athletic specimen. We, the viewing public, demand that our athletes be the most finely-tuned athletic machines known to man. Logic states we can’t be too far from seeing robo-athletes make the jump from commercials to the main event. By the time steroids have finished advancing, and we plateau our ability to scientifically mold men into 300 pound heaps of muscle, the robo-athlete’s time will have arrived.

7. Singers

Through the use of auto-tune, synthesizers, and voice boxes, we’re really not a long way off from seeing robots completely takeover the music industry. In fact, there is no scientific evidence that the “human” called Justin Bieber isn’t a sing-bot specifically designed to rape our ears and sell things to teenage girls and my roommate, Taylor. Some argue that Disney has been producing sing-bots since the mid 1990s, with evidence ranging from Britney Spears to Raven Simone (she sings, right?) to the identity splitting Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus model.

8. Fashion Designers

If you’ve seen Mad Men on AMC then you already know a little something about ad agencies, if you haven’t then allow me to inform you. Ad agencies try to use market research to predict the future, more specifically, to predict what we, the consumer, will buy. Well, what if one robot could not only instantly analyze past market research, but also manufacture the perfect shoe or t-shirt? Fashion designers would be shit out of luck, that’s what. OK, maybe this one’s a bit of a reach, but robots have extendable arms and can reach really fucking far.

9. President

You had to have seen this one coming (and if you didn’t then you don’t think like a robot and thus have no place in the robo-ciety of the future. You should save yourself the trouble and just kill yourself now). In a robo-ciety, do you honestly believe, in your heart of hearts, that robots will elect a human as President? If so, keep dreaming, dummy.

-Pete Higgins

The World's Most Typical Person

CNN Headline - 3/18/11

Chicago, IL – The long search is over. After months of scouring cities, farms, deserts, and coves from Maine to San Diego, from Miami to Portland, the most typical person in the entire world was found yesterday in Chicago. He is middle-aged, white, a software analyst, and has a typical Irish-American name: Sean Carrlson.

Carrlson, 34, whose interests include sports and music, is the eleventh consecutive American to be given the title of World’s Most Typical Person. Only 4.5% of the world’s population resides in America, but that hasn’t stopped our country from producing what we consider to be incredibly normal, average human beings.

The panelists who determine the recipient of the title usually sort large groups of people into one all-encompassing set. Explains panelist Steven Baer, “We try to view the large groups, like the people in the slums in India, or the entire country of China, as one whole, instead of millions of individuals.” This line of logic doesn’t just work when analyzing a massive amount of people packed tightly together in a ridiculously small area; it can also be applied to people who live almost exactly like Americans. Says Baer, “Why try to study a typical German or Italian, a typical Turk or Ukrainian when you can simply classify them as Western or Eastern European? When you break it down like that and begin to see people in other countries as slightly less than people, it’s easy to see that America really does produce the most typical people, especially someone like Sean, who certainly embodies everything typical in a human being in 2011.”

Carrlson brings this recognition back to white people after a two year span that saw the title go twice to a black person. “With Obama being elected President and everything,” says Baer, “we thought it an appropriate time to say it was normal to be black. But the Obama buzz has died down considerably this past year, and as a result we feel white people are back to being more typical now.”

Carrlson, whose parents are divorced, remarried to different spouses, and remain good friends with each other for the benefit of the family, first began to realize how completely normal he was in the fifth grade when he was moved from the accelerated math class to the regular fifth grade class. “I wasn’t smart enough for the accelerated class, that was obvious almost right away, and especially obvious when they told me. But I was also much smarter than the slow class, so I think it’s a good thing they put me where they did. If I had stayed in the advanced class I would have been out of place my whole life, trying and probably failing to achieve goals that would have most likely been out of my reach. And if they had put me in the slow class, well, I wouldn’t be here today,” Carrlson said with a laugh.

After high school Carrlson attended the state university, State Tech, where he majored in business and graduated in four and a half years. While at State, Carrlson met his wife-to-be, Claire, whose parents are still married and atypically well-off.

Soon after he graduated from college, the politically-correct Carrlson, who has a few traffic charges on his record, but no felony, found a job in sales for a software engineering company located in Chicago. “It was outside the field I studied in school,” says Carrlson, “but I hear that’s pretty normal. Besides, I was excited to be offered a job so soon after graduation, so I just took it and never looked back. I got promoted within a few years and just slowly climbed to where I am today: the assistant regional software analyst for Macindows Computers. I’m not exactly sure how it all happened, but it did.”

Carrlson currently lives with his decent looking second wife (a 6, maybe a 7 if she’s really trying), Lindsey, and their 1.5 kids, Sean Jr. and Rebec-, in a quaint 2.5 bedroom house just outside Chicago. He is working on a novel.

-Pete Higgins

Cops: Mom Ate Pizza as Tot Lay Dying

CNN Headline – 3/10/11

Virginia Beach, VA – A Virginia Beach woman has come under the scrutiny of the national media for eating a pizza last Tuesday night while almost completely neglecting her tater tots.

Charlene Williamson’s Tuesday started off like any other Tuesday for the 37 year-old Suffolk native. After making a mayonnaise sandwich and cutting up some cheese sticks for her 8 year-old daughter’s lunch, Williamson left for her job at Home Depot where she works in the paint supply department. As the day progressed, Williamson began to day-dream about the pizza she was planning on ordering for Pizza Night Tuesday.

“Every Tuesday at the Depot we get Panera for lunch, which I don’t really like, but it’s O.K. cause I know I can gorge myself with pizza later that night,” said Williamson with a glint in her eye as she recalled that fateful pizza.

“We usually get Little Ceasar’s, but I was having a good day at work and, around 11:00 I started to consider splurging on something like Bella or Boulevard Pizza,” Williamson said, lost deep in her own memory.

“I’ve had Bella a few times before, and it’s really good, but you know what you’re getting and I figured if I wasn’t gonna go with Little Caesar’s I might as well go all out and get the Boulevard. Besides, I heard they had a new pizza called the All-American, which has sausage, hamburger, and even cut-up hot dog sprinkled underneath almost a full pound of the best mozzarella in East Virginia.

“On the other hand, I was trying to get Charlotte, my daughter, to lose some weight and Bella has a great green salad I could order for her. And when I started to think about the salad I remembered this place Josie form work told me about that just opened up. It’s some European-style pizza place, Mancurio or Manchusco or something, and they put goat cheese and other European things on the pizza, and supposedly it’s supposed to be really good for you, and decent tasting at that. Needless to say, I had no idea what to do for dinner that night. Luckily I still had almost 6 hours of work left to think about it.”

By 4:30, with roughly a half hour left on the clock, Williamson finally made-up her mind to order a large All-American pizza from Boulevard Pizza. “It just seemed like the right thing to do,” she said.

Williamson left Home Depot, picked up her daughter from soccer practice, called Boulevard and placed an order for a large All-American to be delivered at 6:30, and began to set the table as soon as she got home. Concentrating on the afternoon news proved impossible to Williamson, and she tried everything from reading a magazine, to helping Charlotte with her homework, to telling Charlotte she needed to shower before dinner because Williamson didn’t want a smelly soccer player sitting at the table while she tried to eat a genuine masterpiece, all to no avail. The minutes before the pizza’s arrival seemed to take an eternity, but at long last the doorbell rang, changing Williamson’s life forever.

“There was the pizza box, as I expected, but the guy was also carrying a little paper bag of something. He said the large All-American came with complimentary tater tots. Who was I to complain? Who was I to say ‘No, I don’t want free tater tots?’ I wasn’t raised that way. I figured I’d nibble on them if I got sick of the pizza. Or, I thought half-joking, maybe Charlotte could eat them when she finally got out of the shower in case I had eaten the whole pizza by then. How was I supposed to know what would happen,” Williamson finished, tearing up.

What happened over the next 20 minutes will haunt Williamson as long as she lives. She absent-mindedly set the tots on the kitchen counter, then sat down at her perfectly placed tablecloth and opened the pizza box. Her nostrils were hit with a smell more mouthwatering than anything she had ever experienced. The pizza didn’t stand a chance, and the tots were pushed to the darkest recess of Williamson’s mind.

“That hour or so is still so blurry,” Williamson said. “I remember opening the pizza box and smelling that incredible smell, then…I’m just, I'm not sure what happened next. I ate the pizza, and it was bliss. It wasn’t until I was down to the last piece or two that I realized I hadn’t even touched the tots. I was so ashamed. The good people at Boulevard were kind enough to give me free tater tots, the least I could have done was try them. Granted, it was pizza night, and my focus was definitely on the pizza, but…I mean, one or two tots isn’t much of a commitment and it would have at least showed I tried them and appreciated Boulevard’s gesture. Instead, I rudely forgot about them and let them get cold and gross on the counter top. I wasn’t about to microwave them either. Have you ever tried microwaved tots? They’re awful. So soggy and gooey inside. I wasn’t going to do that, I wasn’t about to disgrace them even further. I just threw them away. Oh God, it was terrible. I don’t know if I’ll ever live down the shame of throwing away perfectly good complimentary tots.”

As Williamson devoured scrumptious piece after scrumptious piece, and the tater tots lay neglected, forgotten, and alone to slowly decompose in the open air on the counter top, Charlotte slipped in the shower, banged her head on the water faucet, and died.

-Pete Higgins

Politician Kicked Out Over Earrings

CNN Headline - 3/3/2011

Washington D.C. - Iowa Senator Tom Harkin shocked the halls of the Congress this morning when he showed up with some added accessories to his routine suit and tie.  The Cumming, IA native reported to work on Thursday sporting something the Legislative Branch hasn't seen on a man since its inception: a pair of earrings.  As the Demographic voice representing Iowa in today's United States Senate, Harkin has often been known to stir the pot on controversial issues, but nothing about the senator could have surprised his colleagues more than when he showed up sporting a fresh pair of silver studded earrings.  

"I knew as soon as I walked in it would cause some commotion," claimed Harkin.  "But I'd be lying if I said I didn't know how hot everyone thought I looked."  

     The senator reportedly arrived this morning at 8:17AM, more than fifteen minutes after the standard start time.  A loud gasp could be heard throughout the room as Harkin took his seat, at which point several whispers were heard from the collection of Harkin's peers.  "It's absurd," said John Boozman (R-AR).  "The man looks like a girl."

    Harkin remained confidant in his fashion statement, however.  "It's not surprising that some of the senators from the other states aren't as up to speed on modern vogue.  They clearly don't understand how a man's accessories can highlight his attributes."  Harkin went on to talk about how all of his son's friends have their ears pierced, and how an increasing amount of swagger has swept over the city since the fad hit the area.  "My colleagues clearly haven't been to Des Moines recently.  There's this super new place called Claire's that will pierce your ears in five minutes, it's really easy, and it barely hurts at all," Harkin said enthusiastically.  "Everyone's doing it!"  

     While many red state senators opposed Harkin's new look, he did draw a small following of supporters within the senate.  Robert Menendez (D-NJ) was quick to offer his praise, tweeting "Much love to my boy Hark-Dawg and his rockin' new lobes."  Democrats from California and Arizona also offered their props, although many speculate that Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) misconstrued the fashion statement as a sign of support for gay marriage.  

     With the subject for debate amongst the senate quickly changing from the healthcare reform bill to Tom Harkin's new bling, Senate Majority leader Harry Reid had no choice but to remove the Iowa senator from the day's activities.  The decision to dismiss Harkin from his duties on this day was seconded by Assistant Majority Leader Richard Durbin (D-IL), who thinks that Harkin's decision to pierce his ears is nothing more than a fad.  "Harkin's always been somewhat of a follower, and the fact is Iowa's always been a couple years behind the curve," said Durbin.  "I'm not worried about him though, I saw the same thing happen with my 13 year old son a couple of years ago.  Earrings will fade quickly, and I'm really not all that concerned with the fact that he only listens to Tupac either.  The real disturbance will set in when the Chinese character tattoo train rolls through Iowa.  Hopefully he'll be gone by then though and we won't have to do this again."

     Harkin seems unfazed by the criticism from his peers, however.  He also has no secrets about his style plans for the future.  "I really can't wait until my ears heal and I can trade in these studs for a fresh pair of diamonds," said Harkin.  "That's when I'll really be ballin'.  Speaking of which, have you heard that new song 'Ballin'?!"  There is no word yet on when Harkin will be allowed back to work.

     -Ian Swanson

     

    

Dog Eats Diabetic Man's Toes, Part of His Foot

CNN Headline – 3/3/2011

Astoria, WA – Grover, a local golden retriever, has eaten his human’s left toes and part of the adjoining foot. While this may seem commonplace in many dog circles, what makes Grover’s story so remarkable is that his human, John Winchester, is a diabetic, and Grover has lived to tell the tale.

For years diabetics were thought to be poisonous to dogs, on par with chocolate, grapes, poison, and chocolate-covered grapes. Bitches across America have told horror stories to their pups about what happens to a good dog’s insides if he so much as licks his diabetic owner. But now, thanks to Grover, and his heroic actions born out of desperation, that perception might be changing.

     On the morning of February 17, Grover sat alone in his human’s apartment. About an hour earlier, the human left the apartment for the first time in weeks to, as Grover hoped, do some grocery shopping and pick up some dog food. “He hadn’t fed me in a week, maybe a week and a half,” said the emaciated retriever. “The fat shit sits around all day watching anime cartoons and eating, but he can’t find the time to feed his Grover? No. He doesn’t walk me either. That hasn’t happened since he discovered Youporn. Now, with Peapod, he has no reason to leave the apartment – ever. So when he finally left, I figured maybe he was gonna start to get his life back together and start taking care of me again.

'When he came home with only a jug of hand lotion, some Kleenex, and the new God of War game, I knew I was gonna have to make my own luck – and soon.'”

     
     Three days later, after nearly two weeks, or three and a half months in dog years, of not eating, the malnourished Grover knew he was facing his final hours if he didn’t act quick. Grover knew his human was diabetic – he had seen the pillboxes and insulin shots – and he knew the lore of exploding organs associated with consuming diabetics, but, as Grover says, his days were numbered. “My days were numbered, and I knew it. I had already licked every nook and cranny in the place searching for crumbs, but, for as fat, stupid, and lazy as John is, he’s an amazingly efficient eater. Maybe that’s what gave him diabetes in the first place. The only source of food left was John himself,” Grover said. “I was scared shitless, actually I was starved shitless, but you get my point. I was delusional and desperate and I figured if I was gonna go, I was at least gonna take some of John with me.”


     And so, on February 20^th, the fateful moment finally arrived. Grover curled up under the desk where his human was watching internet porn, and came face to foot with his destiny. “I knew it had to happen while John was jerking-off. He gets so lost in porn he has no idea what’s going on around him. A few weeks earlier, back when I still had some food to shit out, I took a piss on him while he was rubbing and tugging, hoping he might get the hint and take me on a walk. But he just kept stroking away. He was gonna have to be distracted while I ate his foot, and his morning tug-sesh was my best shot. I guess porn saved my life,” Grover said with a laugh, but then became instantly more sullen as he recalled the terror of the experience. “Once I was down there, and John was in the zone, I knew it was now or die. There was no thinking. I licked at first and when I didn’t immediately drop dead I found the courage to bite.”

Grover started with the baby toe and worked his way up. By the time he had finished all five toes, a determined madness had overcome him. “I couldn’t stop after the toes,” Grover remembers, absently gazing into the beyond. “I was starving, dammit, and diabetics are delicious.” Its true. Diabetics are said to be extremely tasty, what with all the sugar and fatty food they eat before the disease kicks in. Sadly, it is the legend of delicious diabetics that has led many dogs to their death in search of that wonderful taste.

“I made it about a quarter of the way up his foot when John snapped back to reality and screamed. He kicked me, stupidly with his chewed foot, and ran for the door,” says Grover. “He was gone for a day before he came home. I thought he was gonna kill me, but he got down and hugged me. I guess it took his half his foot getting chewed off to snap John out of his funk, but he’s turning back to his old self now.”

     Grover’s story has inspired science Collies across the country to begin research on diabetes and its effects on the digestive system of dogs. Breakthroughs have already been made, and soon, hopefully, every dog with a diabetic owner will be able to lick and teethe on their humans without fear of their insides exploding. And we owe it all to the bravery and remarkable resolve of one very special golden retriever.

     -Pete Higgins