Chicago, IL - Martha Greenwalk didn't wake up Friday morning with the intention of starting the newest chapter of the West Side Souljas, but fate has a funny way of intervening, in what would have otherwise been a fairly routine Friday morning for the 86 year old grandmother. "I was planning on waking up a little earlier than usual, so I could crush up Walter's pills and mix them into his morning oatmeal." Apparently Walter, her 88 year old husband of 65 years, absolutely refuses to take his doctor prescribed medication, which helps ease the pain caused by arthritis. "He says he hates the way it tastes, and that Dr. Jenkins is a fraud. But then he complains about how much his fingers hurt all day. I laugh sometimes about how oblivious he is."Around 8:30AM, three members of Chicago's local West Side Souljas gang broke through the back door wielding automatic weapons, attempting to pull an an armed robbery on the elderly couple. But where most residents would hide in fear and attempt to contact the police, Martha took a different approach. "I busted in and said 'bitch getcho wrinkley fat ass on da flo'," recalls 23 year old Tarrell Watson (AKA Sho-T). "But the bitch didn't even move, she just asked how school was and if I had eaten yet today."
Martha recalled the entrance, "When Michael came home, I could tell he'd had a rough day," said Martha. "He's been having some problems with bullies at his junior high school. And I was glad to see that his friends Martin and Edwin were with him. They really are nice boys."
"He's in high school now," replied Walter from his chair in the living room.
"Eighth grade is still junior high school, Walter," Martha yelled back. "We've been over this a hundred times. Anyways, it's that darn Ronald Scalford from main street. He likes to give Michael a good roughhousing every once in a while on account of Michael being short for his age. I really wish the school would do something about that blockhead."
Martha invited each of the boys to sit down with Walter in front of the picturebox, while she fixed them a plate of carrots and cheeses. Walter was watching his stories, but Martha assured the three gang members that they could change the channel to anything they wanted, and whispered that Walter couldn't hear that well anyways. "I heard that," said Walter.
"Straight talk, we all thought we were trippin' at first," said Mo-Skeet, another one of the gang members. "But once we realized what was happening, we knew we'd found the perfect place to set up shop." The gang moved quickly, arranging for a drop of fourteen pounds of Afghan Kush, along with fifteen pounds of Columbian White Widow - both extremely potent strands of marijuana.
"We weren't worried at all about the turnover, especially once we got holda da wid'," said third gang member Scan-Tron, the gang's expert narcotics transporter. "The kush though, people seen dat shit befo, an it don' move nearly as fast. We ain' had no choice but to outsource."
The party started off epic, with numerous Souljas in attendance, many of whom brought hos along for what was sure to be a night that was truly off the chain. Three of the rival GAs showed up to discuss business, and for a while it seemed as though everyone might actually get along. Martha made her signature bean casserole, which was a huge hit with the gang, but refused to identify the ingredients to any of the hos in attendance.
"I could tell some of the girls really liked Michael," said Martha of the girls at the party. "I'm not surprised, he's very handsome, and he's also a really impressive dancer, just like his father," Martha said, flashing a quick smile in Walter's direction Sho-T is actually known for his dancing amongst the gang. He even pulled off the Sho-T lookaway during a breakdancing performance mid-way through the night, celebrating by making it rain all over a sleeping Walter, who had not moved from his chair since the three gang members initially arrived that morning. Martha was quick to help Sho-T pick up the bills, warning him that he has to be more careful with his money, or some hoodlums like Ronald Scalford could come up and steal it. "I'm always telling Michael that he would forget his head if it weren't screwed on," laughed Martha. "Right Walter, aren't I always saying that?"
In the early morning hours of Saturday, however, the night turned sour. A fist-fight broke out, and the fight quickly moved to the front lawn. Never one not to back up a homie in trouble, Sho-T stepped in. "I straight knocked one dem mawfuckas out," said Sho. "But then another one came outa nowhere and hit me wit da butt of his gat. When I went down, I was sure he would have shot me."
Sho-T would have been shot too, had it not been for Martha. Hearing the commotion outside, the 86 year old immediately leapt to the rescue like a lion protecting its cubs. In one swift motion, Martha hit the threatening gang member over the head with a frying pan, knocking him unconscious. "Take that, Ronald Scalford!"
With the rival gang member unconscious on the grass outside her home, Martha helped Sho-T to his feet and assured him that Ronald Scalford is just insecure about his own weight, which is why he picks on smaller kids like Michael. "Even though I still think violence is wrong, sometimes you just need to send a message," state Martha. She then led him inside to get a steak for Sho-T to put on his eye.
Heeding Martha's words, the remaining members of the GAs were each shot once in the right foot by the large possy of Souljas at the party, and told to tell their peoples not to fuck with the West Side Souljas. Walter Greenwalk did not wake up from his nap Friday evening, and is believed to have died from natural causes. A liquor pour out is scheduled for 11:00PM this Sunday.
-Ian Swanson
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