Same, Old Pathetic Browns

CNN Headline – 9/19/13

CLEVELAND, OH – Over the past 13 years the Browns have always been something of a national laughingstock.  And yesterday, in news that surprised no one, patriarch Rob Brown was fired from his position as an assistant night watchman at Cleveland’s Legacy Village shopping mall, thus cementing the family’s status as one of the shittiest, most pathetic families in the nation.

Brown, 36, was let go by the shopping mall after almost 6 months of employment. It was the longest he has held a job in his life.  “When I saw Rob get home last night around 10:30 with a paper bag in hand, right away I knew what had happened. I had been expecting it for awhile actually,” says Rick Conway, one of the Browns many unfortunate neighbors. “I told my wife we better shut the windows and turn the TV up, it was gonna be a loud, long night across the street.”

Shouting, shattering glass, and crying babies were just some of the noises pouring out of the decrepit, two bedroom Brown family residence until 4 AM.  The “home”, which houses Rob, his wife, Charla, and their six children, sits behind a lawn littered with weeds, cinderblocks, and candy wrappers. Neighbors have been trying to get the Browns to at least take care of the lawn for years, but have been unsuccessful thanks to a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo.

“They’ve been there about a decade now,” Conway explains. “Been there since Charla got her foot ran over by a city bus and won some big lawsuit. At first they seemed like a nice enough couple – had one kid and another on the way – but neither was working. They were living on the lawsuit money. When Rob had to go back to work shit really hit the fan. Now, five kids, at least two-dozen jobs, and countless home visits courtesy of the Cleveland PD, here we are. At least the rest of the country is finally realizing just how shitty the Browns are.”

Although Rob Brown is a sure-fire bottom of the barrel scumbucket, he’s not alone in making the Browns one of the most deplorable American families. Charla, like her husband, is a high school dropout (obviously), who has spent her past 20 years working part-time in a beauty saloon (obviously), shitting out six kids on a fixed income (obviously), and developing a severe drinking problem (no shit).  Charla now spends her time making bedazzled hair ribbons no one will ever buy, and pretending like she gives a shit about her six horrendous children.

The oldest child, Tommy Jade, has two first names, the latter of which is barely a name. Tommy Jade is a crummy little shit of a kid who, at just 13 years old, has already been kicked out of two schools and possesses a chain wallet. Lisa Ann, 12, the second child, never stood a chance. With her dad either

drunk or pretending to look for a new job, Lisa Ann had only her older brother to look up to as a male role model; which is why Charla was angry, but deep down unsurprised when she found an unused condom in her oldest daughter’s backpack last month. All the other children are well on their way to becoming just as despicable as their loathsome parents; though it should be noted that the second youngest child (10 months) looks kinda Mexican-y, and might not be Rob’s biological son. So that kid might stand a snowball’s chance. However, the youngest child (3 months…I know, right?!) is perhaps the ugliest baby this reporter has ever had the displeasure of seeing.

So, yeah, the Browns situation is pretty hopeless. In fact, it’s been hopeless so long now that people around the Browns are starting to feel more and more apathetic themselves. “Nothing’s ever gonna change. They’re here now, and will be for awhile thanks to the shitty housing market,” Conway says. “I don’t know, I guess I don’t really care anymore. I just hope they don’t have any more kids. And maybe get a car that doesn’t back fire every time it starts, or go one Christmas without burning something in their front yard. God, this is depressing. At least it’s fall and I have football season to distract me…oh yeah. Shit.”

-Pete Higgins