Welcome back to college, students! How was everyone's summer? Was it everything everyone dreamed it could have ever been? That's great, because guess what? Nobody cares! Nope, not your parents, not your teachers, not even those stupid squirrelly assholes you call friends. The cold, hard truth of the matter is that your personal life is insignificant to every single person outside of your self-absorbed self. So get over yourself, you fucking narcissist. Because what really matters to society today is what you do when the stakes are high and the pressure's on. And in this modern world that we call the economy, that means good grades get you paid. Welcome back to school, bitches!
It's a sad but necessary certainty that in America these days, your grades mean everything. How you perform in school will unquestionably lead to where you end up afterwards, no matter what Mark Zuckerberg says. And with the job market the way it is, recruiters know student life could not be more competitive. But don't let the statistical trends of failure deter you. We've calculated the top 6 tips to help you gain the upper hand on grades no matter what your pile of chips looks like. Pay attention, motherfuckers, because school is back in session.
1. See the finish line
So where is it you want to go? Think long and hard about this, because it's the only way you'll ever figure out how to get there. And now that you know, take a good look around the place. What do the people in the room all seem to have in common? Are they number crunchers? Smooth-talkers? Slutty whores? There is always a common denominator. Your new task is to figure it out, and then focus all of your attention to honing in on this skill. So whether this means picking up another stats course (banking), joining the debate team (law), or blowing the professors (pharmaceutical sales), the mission of the moment is observe and adapt.
2. Know thy enemy
So you've decided where you're going. Unfortunately, about a thousand other assholes (probably your friends) want to go there too. Make no mistake, while today you call them classmates, what they really are is competition. The fact of the matter is, there are only so many positions open in every company. But don't let this scare you. This is America, dammit. Competition is what makes it so fucking great in the first place. And there's always a head on the chopping block. The purpose of this article is to learn better, or more specifically, better than the snake in the grass sitting next to you. What are his advantages? And more importantly, what are his weaknesses? The move here is to match and exploit. Class rank is an incredibly powerful argument on any resume. If academia is a game, then GPA is the points. The only person who should worry about how much better you are today than the day before, is your teacher. Find an edge, wherever possible. In the long run, it's about standing out from the herd.
3. Pick your battles
The first week of any college course is a blowoff, right? Bullshit. Introductory classes are your first view of the arena. And your syllabus is the game schedule. So what's it look like? Are there weekly quizzes, three major exams, two big speeches? The idea during this week is to reflect on your own weaknesses. Face it, Ms. South Carolina could school your ass in a debate. Circle those speech dates and cancel all 3 beer-pong tournaments scheduled for the week before. I assure you, should you fuck up during a presentation in my class, I will travel far and wide to make sure your future in-laws refer to you as Stuttering Stanley when you're not in the room.
4. Adderall
Okay, so here is where we begin to test the moral compass. For those who disagree, sit tight and pay attention to logic. Adderall is a study aid, not cheating. Want to know how I know? If you're caught taking it without a prescription, you could go to jail, but you will not fail a course. "It's a drug and drugs are bad" you say? Coffee's a drug, and your school library will gladly sell you enough of that to ruin any chance you have at a regular heartbeat. Same rules go for Adderall; tread lightly, and know your limits. Adderall is the Gatorade to coffee's water. Not only will you stay awake studying for a week straight, but your ability to retain information will make Skylar so wet she'll forget what Will Hunting ever looked like. We all have A.D.D. to a certain degree. The advantage we have over our forefathers is that we actually have a cure for it. The benefits are extraordinary regardless of the subject at hand, and the tambourine man can usually be found in the library.
5. Cheating
Cheating is something that every student will have to do at least once in their life. There is one constant in academia: the playing field is never level. You will undoubtedly find yourself at a disadvantage at some point during your academic career. If Adderall is what we do to get ahead, cheating is what we do when we're behind. Life isn't fair. Sometimes three final exams fall on the same Wednesday. It is only under these extreme circumstances that we must resort to this strategy. Whether it's coded formulas in your TI-83, or essay outlines inked on your thighs, there will come a time when we all test the waters. Use technology to your advantage, as most professors still don't know the ins and outs of the newest gadgets. Try to consult with the younger generations if possible, as well. No matter how sly you think you are, the youngens always seem to be one step ahead when it comes to outsmarting the old folks.
6. Ass-kissing
Last but not least is every bully's favorite target. My advice on this is that if you're going to do it, do it big. Don't just brown-nose, go for full-on shit-faced. Bring the discussion leaders coffee, remind the professors how much you enjoyed their lectures, and always give gifts on holidays. Sucking up always has and always will be an effective strategy, especially if the grading scale is subjective. Got a final that's all essay questions? The better friends you are with the one judging you, the more favorably you will be judged. It isn't rocket science. Bs will turn to B+s and B+s to A-s. This is a numbers game, people. Every letter grade has a percentage point associated with it. And every point counts.
- Ian Swanson
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