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“I’m not going anywhere,” Ford said via an AOL videochat
from his couch at home. “I’m not doing anything, I’m not planning anything,
and, after this, I’m not talking to anyone for awhile; a month or two at least.
And there’s nothing you can do about it. Hell, I might even smoke crack again.”
While Ford’s statements might seem confusing to Americans,
it’s a political strategy Canadians are all too familiar with. As it is written
in the Fourth Law of Canada: “No man shall be removed from any elected
position, unless by the King of Canada himself and even then only on Leap Day
or the Spring Equinox.” So Ford has until at least March 20 to sit on his ass
and play GTA; but his removal from office even then is questionable,
considering the Canadian King has been Yeti hunting in the Yukon and
unreachable for the past four months.
Ford denies that his unflappable job security is the driving
force behind his decision to make no decisions. “The fact that the King is off
doing his royal duty protecting our great nation from another Yeti attack
making it basically impossible to, like, get fired, eh, isn’t why I'm hanging
out at home all the time, eh,” Ford explains. “Sure, it’s definitely a perk of being
Toronto Mayor, but the real reason is it’s pretty sweet just sitting around
playing Call of Duty all day instead of going to meetings about budget, or
schools, or like poverty or something? Wait, do we have poverty? You know what,
eh, I don’t care.”
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This mindset might not fly in most countries, but Ford
doesn’t think his participation in government – or lack thereof – affects the
country in any way. “Canada’s fine, eh. I mean, I don’t have the numbers in
front of me, eh, so I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think as a nation we’re
something like 93% white; and if you count the Eskimos we’re up to about 98%.
So, not to be racist or anything, eh, but when you look at it that way the
Canada pretty much runs itself.”
Despite his extremely racist philosophy regarding domestic
policy, Ford admits the 2% (according to his “statistics”) minority population
is still essential in a functional Canada. “Minorities are absolutely
necessary,” the Mayor explains. “I mean, I’ve never bought crack from a white
guy.”
-Pete Higgins
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