Same, Old Pathetic Browns

CNN Headline – 9/19/13

CLEVELAND, OH – Over the past 13 years the Browns have always been something of a national laughingstock.  And yesterday, in news that surprised no one, patriarch Rob Brown was fired from his position as an assistant night watchman at Cleveland’s Legacy Village shopping mall, thus cementing the family’s status as one of the shittiest, most pathetic families in the nation.

Brown, 36, was let go by the shopping mall after almost 6 months of employment. It was the longest he has held a job in his life.  “When I saw Rob get home last night around 10:30 with a paper bag in hand, right away I knew what had happened. I had been expecting it for awhile actually,” says Rick Conway, one of the Browns many unfortunate neighbors. “I told my wife we better shut the windows and turn the TV up, it was gonna be a loud, long night across the street.”

Shouting, shattering glass, and crying babies were just some of the noises pouring out of the decrepit, two bedroom Brown family residence until 4 AM.  The “home”, which houses Rob, his wife, Charla, and their six children, sits behind a lawn littered with weeds, cinderblocks, and candy wrappers. Neighbors have been trying to get the Browns to at least take care of the lawn for years, but have been unsuccessful thanks to a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo.

“They’ve been there about a decade now,” Conway explains. “Been there since Charla got her foot ran over by a city bus and won some big lawsuit. At first they seemed like a nice enough couple – had one kid and another on the way – but neither was working. They were living on the lawsuit money. When Rob had to go back to work shit really hit the fan. Now, five kids, at least two-dozen jobs, and countless home visits courtesy of the Cleveland PD, here we are. At least the rest of the country is finally realizing just how shitty the Browns are.”

Although Rob Brown is a sure-fire bottom of the barrel scumbucket, he’s not alone in making the Browns one of the most deplorable American families. Charla, like her husband, is a high school dropout (obviously), who has spent her past 20 years working part-time in a beauty saloon (obviously), shitting out six kids on a fixed income (obviously), and developing a severe drinking problem (no shit).  Charla now spends her time making bedazzled hair ribbons no one will ever buy, and pretending like she gives a shit about her six horrendous children.

The oldest child, Tommy Jade, has two first names, the latter of which is barely a name. Tommy Jade is a crummy little shit of a kid who, at just 13 years old, has already been kicked out of two schools and possesses a chain wallet. Lisa Ann, 12, the second child, never stood a chance. With her dad either

drunk or pretending to look for a new job, Lisa Ann had only her older brother to look up to as a male role model; which is why Charla was angry, but deep down unsurprised when she found an unused condom in her oldest daughter’s backpack last month. All the other children are well on their way to becoming just as despicable as their loathsome parents; though it should be noted that the second youngest child (10 months) looks kinda Mexican-y, and might not be Rob’s biological son. So that kid might stand a snowball’s chance. However, the youngest child (3 months…I know, right?!) is perhaps the ugliest baby this reporter has ever had the displeasure of seeing.

So, yeah, the Browns situation is pretty hopeless. In fact, it’s been hopeless so long now that people around the Browns are starting to feel more and more apathetic themselves. “Nothing’s ever gonna change. They’re here now, and will be for awhile thanks to the shitty housing market,” Conway says. “I don’t know, I guess I don’t really care anymore. I just hope they don’t have any more kids. And maybe get a car that doesn’t back fire every time it starts, or go one Christmas without burning something in their front yard. God, this is depressing. At least it’s fall and I have football season to distract me…oh yeah. Shit.”

-Pete Higgins

Mark Wahlberg Earns High School Diploma At Age 42

MSNBC.com Headline 9/17/2013

HOLLYWOOD, CA - We've all kind of gotten the feeling over the years that Mark Wahlberg is kind of, well, you know, fucking stupid.  But apparently no one ever took the time to verify just how stupid the guy really is.  No matter, the south Boston native showed us his cards on this one.  In a column published Tuesday in the Huffington Post, the 42 year old actor revealed that he only just recently graduated from high school.  Apparently Wahlberg put a gun to the head of his formal education in the ninth grade, believing that there was nothing he would learn in school that he couldn't learn on his own.  Twenty-nine years later, though, the actor decided this was all a big mistake.  But while this ambitious and noble decision to finish what he'd started has drawn praise from many of his celebrated colleagues, what is really catching everyone by surprise is the reason he felt it was necessary to pick up the books again.

"I remember it like it was yesterday," Wahlberg told MSNBC's Carol Rosen on Tuesday.  "Me and some of the guys were watching MTV, and this commercial with Shannon Doherty came on for this thing, Education Connection.  She was talkin' about how she finally figured out how to make more money by finishing high school.  And then it hit me!"  Wahlberg went on to describe how after some quick soul searching, he decided he wasn't "going to end up like broke like the rest of those teeny bopper has-beens."  He enrolled in an online GED course the next day, and got right to work.

"What really stood out to me," Wahlberg claims, "was the part where she said that high school graduates earn 65% more than people that don't finish high school."  Rosen attempted to explain to Wahlberg that this statistic doesn't generally apply to well-known movie stars in show business.  But Wahlberg, who is listed at #28 on Forbes list of wealthiest actors with $53 Million, would have none of it.

"Do you want to know how much I'm be worth now that I've graduated high school?"  The actor produced a piece of loose leaf paper and a number 2 pencil.  Two minutes later, he held up the paper, with the number $87,450,000 circled at the bottom.  "The numbers don't lie."

- Ian Swanson

CTA Vows to Improve Access to New Wal-Mart

Chicago Tribune Headline – 9/10/13

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Transit Authority announced today that it will be expanding its fleet of buses and trains servicing the greater Wal-Mart area in Chicago’s Roscoe Village. The announcement comes after months of pressure by Mayor Rahm Emanuel, who insisted a lack of public transportation to and from the Supercenter could jeopardize its success.

“It just wasn’t fair,” Emanuel says of the store’s chances at success before government intervention. “Here’s this brand-new, start-up Wal-Mart just trying to get on its feet, solely by the business of walk-up and drive-up consumers. Meanwhile all these other local businesses have been in the area for generations and have an established customer base; not to mention the fact that most everybody in the area knows where these stores are and how to get there. Something needed to be done.”

And something is being done. The CTA has tripled the number of buses servicing the area, and has rearranged several other bus routes so that a bus will either arrive at or depart from Wal-Mart every 15 seconds. In addition to the new bus services, the CTA is in the developmental stage of a $250 million tunnel project to create a new “L” line that would bring customers directly underneath Wal-Mart.

Residents of the area are pleased with the steps being taken to improve Wal-Mat’s accessibility, many of whom had been avoiding the store because of the long walk from the nearest bus stop to the

Supercenter’s front entranceway.

“I feel bad because I haven’t been to Wal-Mart yet, and I like to give new stores a little business, but the walk from the bus to the Wal-Mart was just too long, almost 3 blocks,” says Roscoe Village resident Cleo Dubrowski. “I once went to another Wal-Mart, when I lived in Missouri, and bought two new tires, 12 boxes of mac’n’cheese, a tent, and a Roomba, but I had a car then and could not imagine having to walk to the bus with all that. It’d be a nightmare. Finally the city is giving us a chance to give Wal-Mart a chance.”

Local business owners understand the uphill battle Wal-Mart faces. John Thompkins, owner of JT Foods, a small grocery store in Roscoe Village emphasizes with Wal-Mart. “I know what it’s like to be a start-up business in a new place,” says the man who has owned and operated his store at the corner of Irving Park and Claremont for over 40 years. “I had to work my tail off for the last 40 years to keep this place open and put my kids through school. And while it might be a little easier for a multi-billion dollar corporation to open a new chain store then it is for a fella like me to create and maintain a small business, there really isn’t much difference between what we’re trying to do. We’re both just trying to get our feet on solid ground. And sure, I get that it’s literally impossible for me to compete with their prices or selection, and they’ll probably put me out of business within the year, but I’m glad they’re getting a shot just like I did. Besides, I heard Wal-Mart looks to hire recently unemployed locals as greeters, and they have a top-notch benefit plan, so that’s pretty nice, I guess.”

No matter how you look at it, this is a step in the right direction for America, especially in our fragile economy. At long last the little guy is getting a fair shake at making it in the business world.

Pete Higgins

6 Tips For Better Learning

Chicago Tribune Headline 9/10/2013

Welcome back to college, students!  How was everyone's summer?  Was it everything everyone dreamed it could have ever been?  That's great, because guess what?  Nobody cares!  Nope, not your parents, not your teachers, not even those stupid squirrelly assholes you call friends.  The cold, hard truth of the matter is that your personal life is insignificant to every single person outside of your self-absorbed self.  So get over yourself, you fucking narcissist.  Because what really matters to society today is what you do when the stakes are high and the pressure's on.  And in this modern world that we call the economy, that means good grades get you paid.  Welcome back to school, bitches!

It's a sad but necessary certainty that in America these days, your grades mean everything.  How you perform in school will unquestionably lead to where you end up afterwards, no matter what Mark Zuckerberg says.  And with the job market the way it is, recruiters know student life could not be more competitive.  But don't let the statistical trends of failure deter you.  We've calculated the top 6 tips to help you gain the upper hand on grades no matter what your pile of chips looks like.  Pay attention, motherfuckers, because school is back in session.

1. See the finish line

So where is it you want to go?  Think long and hard about this, because it's the only way you'll ever figure out how to get there.  And now that you know, take a good look around the place.  What do the people in the room all seem to have in common?  Are they number crunchers?  Smooth-talkers?  Slutty whores?  There is always a common denominator.  Your new task is to figure it out, and then focus all of your attention to honing in on this skill.  So whether this means picking up another stats course (banking), joining the debate team (law), or blowing the professors (pharmaceutical sales), the mission of the moment is observe and adapt.

2. Know thy enemy

So you've decided where you're going.  Unfortunately, about a thousand other assholes (probably your friends) want to go there too.  Make no mistake, while today you call them classmates, what they really are is competition.  The fact of the matter is, there are only so many positions open in every company.  But don't let this scare you.  This is America, dammit.  Competition is what makes it so fucking great in the first place.  And there's always a head on the chopping block.  The purpose of this article is to learn better, or more specifically, better than the snake in the grass sitting next to you.  What are his advantages?  And more importantly, what are his weaknesses?  The move here is to match and exploit.  Class rank is an incredibly powerful argument on any resume.  If academia is a game, then GPA is the points.  The only person who should worry about how much better you are today than the day before, is your teacher.  Find an edge, wherever possible.  In the long run, it's about standing out from the herd.

3. Pick your battles

The first week of any college course is a blowoff, right?  Bullshit.  Introductory classes are your first view of the arena.  And your syllabus is the game schedule.  So what's it look like?  Are there weekly quizzes, three major exams, two big speeches?  The idea during this week is to reflect on your own weaknesses.  Face it, Ms. South Carolina could school your ass in a debate.  Circle those speech dates and cancel all 3 beer-pong tournaments scheduled for the week before.  I assure you, should you fuck up during a presentation in my class, I will travel far and wide to make sure your future in-laws refer to you as Stuttering Stanley when you're not in the room.   

4. Adderall

Okay, so here is where we begin to test the moral compass.  For those who disagree, sit tight and pay attention to logic.  Adderall is a study aid, not cheating.  Want to know how I know?  If you're caught taking it without a prescription, you could go to jail, but you will not fail a course.  "It's a drug and drugs are bad" you say?  Coffee's a drug, and your school library will gladly sell you enough of that to ruin any chance you have at a regular heartbeat.  Same rules go for Adderall; tread lightly, and know your limits.  Adderall is the Gatorade to coffee's water.  Not only will you stay awake studying for a week straight, but your ability to retain information will make Skylar so wet she'll forget what Will Hunting ever looked like.  We all have A.D.D. to a certain degree.  The advantage we have over our forefathers is that we actually have a cure for it.  The benefits are extraordinary regardless of the subject at hand, and the tambourine man can usually be found in the library.  

5. Cheating

Cheating is something that every student will have to do at least once in their life.  There is one constant in academia: the playing field is never level.  You will undoubtedly find yourself at a disadvantage at some point during your academic career.  If Adderall is what we do to get ahead, cheating is what we do when we're behind.  Life isn't fair.  Sometimes three final exams fall on the same Wednesday.  It is only under these extreme circumstances that we must resort to this strategy.  Whether it's coded formulas in your TI-83, or essay outlines inked on your thighs, there will come a time when we all test the waters.  Use technology to your advantage, as most professors still don't know the ins and outs of the newest gadgets.  Try to consult with the younger generations if possible, as well.  No matter how sly you think you are, the youngens always seem to be one step ahead when it comes to outsmarting the old folks.

6. Ass-kissing

Last but not least is every bully's favorite target.  My advice on this is that if you're going to do it, do it big.  Don't just brown-nose, go for full-on shit-faced.  Bring the discussion leaders coffee, remind the professors how much you enjoyed their lectures, and always give gifts on holidays.  Sucking up always has and always will be an effective strategy, especially if the grading scale is subjective.  Got a final that's all essay questions?  The better friends you are with the one judging you, the more favorably you will be judged.  It isn't rocket science.  Bs will turn to B+s and B+s to A-s.  This is a numbers game, people.  Every letter grade has a percentage point associated with it.  And every point counts.  

- Ian Swanson

National Parks Try to Appeal to Minorities

NY Times Headline - 9/6/13

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Sociologists all agree that someday soon our whole country is going to flip. Football will become fútball, the 4^th of July will become the 16^th of September, ice cream will become gelato, and minorities will outnumber majorities.  And nowhere is preparation for this culture shift more prevalent then in our country’s national parks.

Minorities must be accounted for, and changes need to be made to accommodate their interests. Steve Winowski, Game Warden at the Chequamegon National Forest in northern Wisconsin, says he and his staff have already begun making changes. “Well, right off the bat we tripled the number of grilling locations we offer, and have accompanied each site with a solid metal trash can to empty embers or throw away Wonder bread wrappers. We’ve cut down more trees this year then any other year I’ve been here in anticipation of the make-shift volleyball nets we expect to go up once the minorities arrive. We’ve also set up a few air-conditioned shacks with high-speed internet access throughout the park so we can try to cater to all sorts of minorities.”

The minority infusion is by no means limited to the Midwest. Larger, more well known national parks face even bigger challenges while they prepare for waves and waves of minorities.

“Old Faithful can’t just be a geyser anymore. Now it’s part geyser, part water park ride. Groups of up to four sit in an inner-tube around it, and are blown 15-20 feet in the air every time she erupts,” says Daniel James, head of the newly formed Unexpected Public Relations division of Yellow Stone National Park. “We were told minorities love water parks, and we want to make sure Yellowstone continues to be the popular family vacation destination it always has been”

The parks themselves aren’t the only areas expected to experience significant change. Government officials anticipate a spike in the local economy of towns near national parks, as more minorities means new jobs are opening up in and around parks.

“Right now we’re borrowing about 3 dozen pushcart ice cream vendors from the Denver area, but we hope to have our own permanent and sustainable group of pushcart vendors by the end of the fall,” James says. “We’ve always had locals selling produce out of their trucks around town, but with so many minorities expected this year we’re trying to expand into selling fruit and flowers out of the back of pick-up trucks as well. Oh, and we’re currently trying to find some of those guys that walk around with backpacks of bootlegged DVDs. It’d be nice to scatter a few of them throughout Yellowstone”

In order to further appeal to minorities, specifically minority children, other parks are reaching out to coastal boardwalks in hopes of attracting hair-beading, temporary tattoo, and face painting specialists. Aside from activities, new sorts of foods are popping up at national parks in an effort to whet the appetite of minorities and draw them to park snack shops.

“Hot dogs and burgers have always been our #1 seller,” says John Sullivan, Food Coordinator at Acadia National Park in Maine. “And while I don’t expect that to change drastically, we’ve added much more diversity to our menu recently. Churros, couscous, egg rolls, and all different kinds of chicken are now being offered at all three of our park’s dining locations. We don’t know much about minorities here in Maine, but our research indicates this should be a huge success.”

While most parks are undergoing massive makeovers to appeal to masses of minorities, some parks are dubious such a change will occur at all. “I’ve worked here 46 years,” says Great Smoky Mountain National Park Ranger, Phil Hardley, “and I’ve never seen a Mexican or Chinese fella anywhere near here. I once saw a black guy and his family at the front gate, but I couldn’t tell if they were asking about the park or for directions.  We only get about 2 dozen white folk here a year anyway, so I don’t see what the big hubbub is all about. People seem to prefer videogames and shopping malls these days instead of parks. I don’t know, maybe I’m just naïve.”

Pete Higgins