Kobe Bryant, Wife Say They Are Calling Off Divorce

January 12, 2013 - In a shocking turn of events, Vanessa Bryant announced today that she and her husband of ten years, Kobe Bryant, will not be ending their marriage after all.  The happy couple tweeted early on Saturday, "We are pleased to announce that we have reconciled. Our divorce action will be dismissed. We are looking forward to our future."  

News of the couple's plans to divorce came in December of 2011, citing irreconcilable differences.  When asked about the reason for citing irreconcilable differences, Vanessa Bryant answered bluntly.  "It's quite simple really, I came home and found my husband having sex with another woman. 105 times." It is stated in the couple's divorce documents that Vanessa knew for a fact that Kobe had slept with 105 other women throughout the course of their marriage - a claim Kobe has never really denied.  

"That sounds about right," Kobe told reports soon after the accusation was made.  "Actually, some of those nights there were anywhere from 2 to 4 bitches up on me, so adding in the median 3 as a multiplier on, oh let's say 25 of the 105, I'd say a more accurate figure is around 248.  Let's just call it 250 to keep it clean."  

It seems that no matter what the magic number is, Vanessa has accepted Kobe's apology.  And the couple has taken significant steps towards rebuilding their relationship, reportedly hiring a live-in marriage counselor, and promising to spend at least one night a month acting like an actual family that likes each other.  Further measures of the reconciliation include reports that Vanessa will also receive the requested $250,000 bonus, plus benefits including full medical, dental, and never having to worry a fuck about money ever again.

Kobe Bryant himself seems especially optimistic about the future of the marriage.  In a second tweet sent out later this morning, @kobebryant wrote "When the show ends and the music stops, the journey is made beautiful by having that someone to share it with. Thank you all for your support and prayers."  While no one is certain which country folk songwriter Bryant paid for this poetic remark, it is assumed that the prayers Bryant is referring to are those of the De Beers diamond company.  

De Beers CEO Phellipe Mellier has already estimated the company will break it's quarterly sales goal with Bryant's imminent purchase, and is already planing to host a celebratory company party for his employees this upcoming weekend.  "We at De Beers have always supported the marriage of Kobe and Vanessa Bryant," the company stated in a press release today.  "In fact, the company has already begun engineering our newest diamond for Kobe's next huge embarrassing scandal."

- Ian Swanson