Gun Control Won’t Touch No. 1 Killer

CNN Headline – 1/29/13

Washington DC – Recent school shootings and other acts of senseless violence,
whether it be in a movie theater in Colorado or on the streets of Chicago, has put
gun control firmly at the forefront of our national conscious. However, regardless
of your stance on gun control, one irrefutable fact looms over the debate; gun
control will not affect our nation’s most dangerous killer: spiders.

Spiders have been terrorizing children and adults alike since we lost the ability to
communicate with animals in the Garden of Eden. They dangle over your mouth
while you sleep, they crawl out of crevices in the cushions on a boat, they hide under
toilet seats when you sit down to poo, they’re creepy and they’re poisonous. All of
them.

“There’s no denying the danger of spiders anymore,” says Dr. James Atherton, lead
arachnologist at the Canaima Entomology Institute. “For too long we’ve accepted
spiders as creepy and icky and just generally spooky, but ignored their intrinsic
lethality. That was a mistake, and we’re paying for it now with our lives.”

In 2012 alone, there were between a dozen and 20,000 spider related deaths, with
the true number being impossible to pinpoint because of the many ways spiders
can kill. “They can crawl into your slipper, bite you, give you a heart attack, and
boom, you're dead,” says Dr. Atherton. “That goes on file as a cardiac related death,
when in actuality it was almost certainly caused by an arachnid. And it doesn’t stop
there. People can go for a walk in the woods, get trapped in a web, and either starve
to death or get eaten by a spider. A spider can crawl into your mouth when you're
asleep and lay eggs. You become a walking, talking spider nest until, boom, you’re
dead and spiders are crawling out of your ears. Gross, just…yuck.”

Sadly, as of press time, there is no proven method to protect oneself from the
dangers and cruelties of spiders. The best way, Dr Atherton preaches, is paranoia.
“You can never be too paranoid,” he says, “check your bed before you sleep. Check
your shoes before you put them on and lamps before you pull the switch. Check
under the toilet seat, behind your steering wheel, your sock drawer, and definitely
any closet. You should be spending 3-4 hours a day checking for spiders.”

We may never have a way to truly combat these disgusting, hairy, little eight-legged
assholes, but until then, shoes and newspapers will have to suffice. Be careful.

- Pete Higgins