Gun Control Won’t Touch No. 1 Killer

CNN Headline – 1/29/13

Washington DC – Recent school shootings and other acts of senseless violence,
whether it be in a movie theater in Colorado or on the streets of Chicago, has put
gun control firmly at the forefront of our national conscious. However, regardless
of your stance on gun control, one irrefutable fact looms over the debate; gun
control will not affect our nation’s most dangerous killer: spiders.

Spiders have been terrorizing children and adults alike since we lost the ability to
communicate with animals in the Garden of Eden. They dangle over your mouth
while you sleep, they crawl out of crevices in the cushions on a boat, they hide under
toilet seats when you sit down to poo, they’re creepy and they’re poisonous. All of
them.

“There’s no denying the danger of spiders anymore,” says Dr. James Atherton, lead
arachnologist at the Canaima Entomology Institute. “For too long we’ve accepted
spiders as creepy and icky and just generally spooky, but ignored their intrinsic
lethality. That was a mistake, and we’re paying for it now with our lives.”

In 2012 alone, there were between a dozen and 20,000 spider related deaths, with
the true number being impossible to pinpoint because of the many ways spiders
can kill. “They can crawl into your slipper, bite you, give you a heart attack, and
boom, you're dead,” says Dr. Atherton. “That goes on file as a cardiac related death,
when in actuality it was almost certainly caused by an arachnid. And it doesn’t stop
there. People can go for a walk in the woods, get trapped in a web, and either starve
to death or get eaten by a spider. A spider can crawl into your mouth when you're
asleep and lay eggs. You become a walking, talking spider nest until, boom, you’re
dead and spiders are crawling out of your ears. Gross, just…yuck.”

Sadly, as of press time, there is no proven method to protect oneself from the
dangers and cruelties of spiders. The best way, Dr Atherton preaches, is paranoia.
“You can never be too paranoid,” he says, “check your bed before you sleep. Check
your shoes before you put them on and lamps before you pull the switch. Check
under the toilet seat, behind your steering wheel, your sock drawer, and definitely
any closet. You should be spending 3-4 hours a day checking for spiders.”

We may never have a way to truly combat these disgusting, hairy, little eight-legged
assholes, but until then, shoes and newspapers will have to suffice. Be careful.

- Pete Higgins

Biden On Obama: "Totally Simpatico"

1/22/13

After spending the last few years learning the made-up hybrid language, Vice President Joe Biden has started incorporating Spanglish into his media addresses. 

“Barry and I estan totally simpatico.  Nosotros are muy excited-o para el start-o de term-o dos,” the Vice President struggled to say to media members at a presser before President Barack Obama’s ceremonial Presidential Inauguration.  “Nosotros mucho plans para el future-o.  Bueno plans.”

Biden began his conquest of the Spanglish dialect in 2010, soon after Arizona passed its Senate Bill 1070, the strictest anti-illegal immigrant law in recent US memory.  Immigration tensions were at an apex in 2010, and Biden saw an opportunity to prepare himself for the future of the country.  “Mexicans are coming,” he said at the time.  “They’re sneaky, and they’re coming, and there’s nothing we can do about it.  So, rather then turn my back on our cinnamon skinned neighbors, I am going to make them feel welcome by learning their language.  Communication is key here, and I plan on being prepared to communicate.”

The Biden-assimilation project took hit in its infancy when Biden learned that Spanish was an entirely different language then English.  However, after catching a late night showing of the 2004 Adam Sandler flop, Spanglish, Biden immediately became re-invested in his efforts. 

“Last anoche,” Biden said in a 2011 press conference announcing his recommitment to assimilating himself with illegal immigrants, “Yo y mi wife-o saw una pelicula, Spanglish. La pelicula encouraged-o yo to trabajar mucho mas to learn-o Spanglish.  Spanglish esta English y Spanish.  Esta muy beueno.”

If yesterday’s presser is any indication, Biden has made no progress in his effort to learn Spanglish.  Although, in fairness to the Vice President, it is difficult to measure progress when you’re trying to gauge it by something that doesn’t exist.

As of press time, Vice President Biden was trying to order scrambled eggs at a Virginia diner, but was served waffles after refusing to say anything other then, “Yo necesito egg-os, por favor.”

- Pete Higgins

Kobe Bryant, Wife Say They Are Calling Off Divorce

January 12, 2013 - In a shocking turn of events, Vanessa Bryant announced today that she and her husband of ten years, Kobe Bryant, will not be ending their marriage after all.  The happy couple tweeted early on Saturday, "We are pleased to announce that we have reconciled. Our divorce action will be dismissed. We are looking forward to our future."  

News of the couple's plans to divorce came in December of 2011, citing irreconcilable differences.  When asked about the reason for citing irreconcilable differences, Vanessa Bryant answered bluntly.  "It's quite simple really, I came home and found my husband having sex with another woman. 105 times." It is stated in the couple's divorce documents that Vanessa knew for a fact that Kobe had slept with 105 other women throughout the course of their marriage - a claim Kobe has never really denied.  

"That sounds about right," Kobe told reports soon after the accusation was made.  "Actually, some of those nights there were anywhere from 2 to 4 bitches up on me, so adding in the median 3 as a multiplier on, oh let's say 25 of the 105, I'd say a more accurate figure is around 248.  Let's just call it 250 to keep it clean."  

It seems that no matter what the magic number is, Vanessa has accepted Kobe's apology.  And the couple has taken significant steps towards rebuilding their relationship, reportedly hiring a live-in marriage counselor, and promising to spend at least one night a month acting like an actual family that likes each other.  Further measures of the reconciliation include reports that Vanessa will also receive the requested $250,000 bonus, plus benefits including full medical, dental, and never having to worry a fuck about money ever again.

Kobe Bryant himself seems especially optimistic about the future of the marriage.  In a second tweet sent out later this morning, @kobebryant wrote "When the show ends and the music stops, the journey is made beautiful by having that someone to share it with. Thank you all for your support and prayers."  While no one is certain which country folk songwriter Bryant paid for this poetic remark, it is assumed that the prayers Bryant is referring to are those of the De Beers diamond company.  

De Beers CEO Phellipe Mellier has already estimated the company will break it's quarterly sales goal with Bryant's imminent purchase, and is already planing to host a celebratory company party for his employees this upcoming weekend.  "We at De Beers have always supported the marriage of Kobe and Vanessa Bryant," the company stated in a press release today.  "In fact, the company has already begun engineering our newest diamond for Kobe's next huge embarrassing scandal."

- Ian Swanson