Biggest Rocket in US Launches Top Secret Satellite

MSNBC Headline – 8/28/13

NEW YORK, NY – The United States has done it again! Just to show how badass we are, the government has finally launched their well publicized, super duper secret and incredibly technologically advanced spy satellite into outer space on the largest rocket in American history.   

“We thought it was high time to remind the world just how much ass we can kick,” said John Hanks, the White House Commander of Outer Space Rockets and Technologies. “So we put this totally high-tech spy camera thingy – which is way more totally high tech then anything coming out of Asia right now, by the way – on our biggest, fastest, most explosive rocket. It’s all supposed to be very hush-hush though, so try not to tell anyone.”

At exactly high noon today, the government began the countdown from their undisclosed research lab underneath the middle of Times Square. When the clock on every video billboard in New York struck zero, the streets at the intersection of Broadway and Seventh Ave opened and our kick-ass rocket flew into outer space like a fiery eagle swooping in on a helpless field mouse – but in reverse. It was awesome.

“It was awesome,” claims 83 year-old New York resident, Molly Hurmet, who was one of thousands gathered along the sidewalks of Times Square to witness this historic and classified event. “The streets opened up and it was all like ‘cruuunch’, and then we could see right into that secret lab under Times Square no one knows about. The next thing you know there’s this rocket the size of like, probably Rhode Island or something, that’s just zooming into space. It definitely restored my faith in our government.”

However, the total and complete awesomeness of the spectacle isn’t what impressed citizens the most. No, what really struck people as “pretty legit” was how the government let us in on the top-secret science project from the very beginning.  “I remember reading something online like a year ago about a gigantic rocket that was gonna launch some spyware into outer space or something,” says Hurmet. “I was like, ‘OK, another rocket. Whatever.’ But then I kept reading and the article was all like, ‘This is super duper top secret, so please don’t tell any of your foreign friends,’ and that’s when I was like, ‘Whoa, this is pretty legit.’ I was so happy the government would trust me like that. It says a lot, you know?”

Crowds began to gather shortly after 8 this morning, when President Barack Obama tweeted the high-noon launch info. Needless to say, the crowds left pleased and with a renewed faith in the omnipotence of the government. Also, crowds were asked to please not share anything they witnessed, and we must ask our readers to do the same.

-Pete Higgins

Are Coffee and Sushi OK in Pregnancy? Book Says Yes

CNN Headline 8/20/2013

Pregnant women across America don’t know what to believe anymore. Neither, for that matter, do sushi chefs, the people of Seattle, illiterates, or anyone under 35-years-old. Why? According to an internet headline, something called “book” is challenging our preconceived notions and telling us how to live our own lives.

“I was into my second trimester,” says 27-year-old pregnant Portland resident, Sidney Morgan. “When I stumbled upon this headline on stumbleupon.com telling me a book said I could eat sushi again. At first I was like, ‘Awesome-sauce! I totes heart sushi,’ but then I got curious. I couldn’t find a website of this book. Not a Facebook page, a Twitter account, or a single pic on Instagram. I started to seriously question the credibility of this so-called ‘book’.”

Sidney is not alone. Once the hallmark of the written word, over the past decade books in America have seen a serious drop in their use, credibility, and importance. When once we’d turn to books for knowledge and information, more and more people have found clicking a headline and skimming an online article, or reading a 140-character blurb to be a far more convenient and reliable source of information.

Cullen Danks, noted internet explorer at Kirkwood Community College, understands the public’s rationale. “The times have changed, bub, and you best get used to it,” explains Danks. “Why read, like, a thousand, even two-thousand words in a book – which is basically just a dead tree with some ink spilled on it, by the way – when you could go online and get essentially the same info in like a second, then have plenty of free time to check scores or look at naked Asian chicks piss on King-Kong? It just doesn’t make sense anymore in today’s go-go-go culture. Books are so old and irrelevant. I mean, there are roughly a million stories right now on Google News about Kim Kardashian’s beef with Katie Couric, but will there even be one single book about the drama? I doubt it.”

 

Books are so chock full of words and paragraphs that it’s unreasonable to ask any one person to pay attention for that long. It’s that sort of unrealistic expectation that has led many, Sidney Morgan included, to distrust books and the “information” they might contain.

“What kind of person would write that many words about sushi and coffee and its relationship to pregnancy?” Sidney asks.  “I mean, they could just come out and tweet, ‘Pregnant ladies, it’s OK to eat sushi and drink coffee.’” Wouldn’t that be enough? Why do they need to go and write a kagillion words about it, with facts and studies and probably spreadsheets? Seriously, who needs all those words about pregnancy and sushi? What are they trying to hide?”

What are they trying to hide? Books, with their fancy tables of contents, page numbers, and billions of characters. Books, walking around town wearing a tie, holding a briefcase thinking they’re oh so much better then us. What are they trying to hide behind their facts and numbers and complex storylines? Sadly, we will never know.

-Pete Higgins

How to Post to Facebook, Twitter After You Die

CNN Headline – 2/23/13

PALO ALTO, CA – Ponce de Leon couldn’t find it.  Aubrey de Grey couldn’t figure it out.  Lord Voldemort couldn’t attain it.  For centuries humans have explored all aspects of the body and mind, land and water, space and magic in an attempt to discover the secret to immortality; but, despite a few close calls, have found only disappointment.  Until now.

As it turns out, the key to immortality doesn’t lie in a fountain, a theory, or a horcrux; instead it’s found in a keyboard and LCD screen, in the mystical world of social networking.  Men and women around the world have become increasingly active on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, using these sites to make friends, keep up with family, and portray to the world whatever image of life they want people to think they live.  And now, with the advent of “Future Posting” programs, people can continue to “live” their lives for months, even years after leaving their physical bodies to rot in the ground.

Some people argue that an online life doesn’t really count as an actual real-life life; that just because you portray a certain image of yourself online, doesn’t mean this image actually exists, or going even further, replaces how you live in the physical world.

“Where did this notion that you have to be capable of eating, drinking, and breathing in order to exist come from?” asks philosopher Jimmy Locke.  “Just because you can’t get slapped or give backrubs doesn’t mean you don’t exist.  Try telling that to Lennay Kekua.

“We create ourselves online,” continues Locke. “Our online personas take on a life of our own.  The human soul, if such a thing exists, exists however or wherever a person exists.  And if a person spends most of their time existing online, then by all means we should believe the soul moves its existence from our bodies into the cyber-world of Facebook, Twitter, and the like. It is through this soul-Facebook convergence that we achieve modern immortality.”

If that seems like an existential nightmare to you, you're not alone.  However, despite the confusing cognition and terminology used to explain the miracle, people around the world are generally pleased with their newfound immortality.  “Ima live 4-eva biatchhh!!!!” Twitter user Ja’Quelline Stephens wrote on her timeline upon discovering she no longer had to die.

Of course, the message has spread to Facebook as well.  “It’s comforting to know that even years after I die, I can still post pictures of yummy looking foods for the world to see,” Facebook user Lydia Hartlesby wrote on her wall, accompanied by a photo of chocolate covered strawberries.

Others are taking a more benevolent approach to a deathless existence.  “Facebook and Twitter are primarily First-World applications, and sure, Americans, Europeans, and some Asians will live happily forever.  But what about all the poor Africans and South Americans who have never even heard about Facebook or Twitter?” humanitarian Bill Bentworth asks us. “Where do their souls go if they’ve never learned the truth about cyberspace? We need to bring Facebook, Twitter and social media to under-privileged countries.  We need to give them an equal chance to connect, to plug in, to find life everlasting online.”

Yes, immortality is here; and no matter how you take the news that death is no longer a requirement to living, one thing is certain: Thanks Zuckerberg!