How to Post to Facebook, Twitter After You Die

CNN Headline – 2/23/13

PALO ALTO, CA – Ponce de Leon couldn’t find it.  Aubrey de Grey couldn’t figure it out.  Lord Voldemort couldn’t attain it.  For centuries humans have explored all aspects of the body and mind, land and water, space and magic in an attempt to discover the secret to immortality; but, despite a few close calls, have found only disappointment.  Until now.

As it turns out, the key to immortality doesn’t lie in a fountain, a theory, or a horcrux; instead it’s found in a keyboard and LCD screen, in the mystical world of social networking.  Men and women around the world have become increasingly active on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, using these sites to make friends, keep up with family, and portray to the world whatever image of life they want people to think they live.  And now, with the advent of “Future Posting” programs, people can continue to “live” their lives for months, even years after leaving their physical bodies to rot in the ground.

Some people argue that an online life doesn’t really count as an actual real-life life; that just because you portray a certain image of yourself online, doesn’t mean this image actually exists, or going even further, replaces how you live in the physical world.

“Where did this notion that you have to be capable of eating, drinking, and breathing in order to exist come from?” asks philosopher Jimmy Locke.  “Just because you can’t get slapped or give backrubs doesn’t mean you don’t exist.  Try telling that to Lennay Kekua.

“We create ourselves online,” continues Locke. “Our online personas take on a life of our own.  The human soul, if such a thing exists, exists however or wherever a person exists.  And if a person spends most of their time existing online, then by all means we should believe the soul moves its existence from our bodies into the cyber-world of Facebook, Twitter, and the like. It is through this soul-Facebook convergence that we achieve modern immortality.”

If that seems like an existential nightmare to you, you're not alone.  However, despite the confusing cognition and terminology used to explain the miracle, people around the world are generally pleased with their newfound immortality.  “Ima live 4-eva biatchhh!!!!” Twitter user Ja’Quelline Stephens wrote on her timeline upon discovering she no longer had to die.

Of course, the message has spread to Facebook as well.  “It’s comforting to know that even years after I die, I can still post pictures of yummy looking foods for the world to see,” Facebook user Lydia Hartlesby wrote on her wall, accompanied by a photo of chocolate covered strawberries.

Others are taking a more benevolent approach to a deathless existence.  “Facebook and Twitter are primarily First-World applications, and sure, Americans, Europeans, and some Asians will live happily forever.  But what about all the poor Africans and South Americans who have never even heard about Facebook or Twitter?” humanitarian Bill Bentworth asks us. “Where do their souls go if they’ve never learned the truth about cyberspace? We need to bring Facebook, Twitter and social media to under-privileged countries.  We need to give them an equal chance to connect, to plug in, to find life everlasting online.”

Yes, immortality is here; and no matter how you take the news that death is no longer a requirement to living, one thing is certain: Thanks Zuckerberg!