What You Thought You Knew About Obesity is Wrong

CNN Headline – 2/5/13

Milwaukee, WI – Todd James is a 6^th grader at Whitefish Bay Middle School just outside Milwaukee. Todd enjoys the video game Call of Duty, watching movies with his friends, his mom’s homemade peanut-butter-covered Rice Krispie treat mallow-balls with a caramel-chocolate filled center, and the internet.  Todd James stands 4’9” and weighs 275 pounds.  Todd James is not obese.  Not anymore.

America’s new Self-Esteem Initiative, spearheaded by First Lady Michelle Obama, decries labeling kids like Todd as “fat” or “obese”.  Instead, as per the SEI mission statement, kids like Todd are “simply being themselves.  And kids need to know that being yourself is A-OK”.  If Todd is labeled at all, it should be as “Todd”, and "Todd" is super.

“American children should believe they are capable of anything,” says the First Lady.  “Just because you’re 100 pounds, 150 pounds overweight doesn’t mean you can't be a tri-athlete.  Who’s to tell an 8^th grader with the math aptitude of a kindergartener that he or she can’t build space shuttles?  If one of our paraplegic children believes in himself enough, he very well could become the next Michael Jordan.”

“Nothing should limit the children of our country, nothing should interfere with them achieving their dreams,” Obama continues.  “If you believe in yourself, and believe that you’re the very best at whatever you do, then you are, and to heck with anyone who says otherwise.”

Despite seemingly impossible goals, like Todd James’ desire to become the starting center on his middle school’s varsity basketball team, the SEI opines that unwavering self-esteem can overcome any roadblock the world might throw at a child.  “Take Todd, for example,” SEI spokesperson Timothy Twinkle explains, “he’s someone we used to call a fat, lazy, pathetic piece of shit, unfit for anything besides slowly dying in his mom’s basement.  Now, though, because we’ve given Todd the gift of self-esteem, he could walk onto that basketball court tomorrow and make starting center.  And even if he doesn’t, if he gets cut, we tell him it’s not his fault.  He didn’t fail.  Everyone else there failed to see how great Todd is, how he’s just as equally great as all those other kids.  Just because he spends most of his time eating and farting, and the other kids play basketball everyday after school doesn’t mean they’re any better then Todd.  They’re just different kinds of great.”

Even with self-esteem among American children at an all-time high, First Lady Obama believes the envelope can be pushed further still.  “I met a young girl the other day who told me she got cut from her school’s jazz ensemble.  They told her she wasn’t good enough, that she needed to change,” Obama says. “So she goes home everyday now and plays saxophone for hours, just because society told her she had to.  Our mission at SEI is to dispel these evil societal lies that tell us who we are isn’t good enough, that we need to get better.”

At this stage it’s hard to tell if the Self Esteem Initiative will gain traction throughout the nation and achieve their goals.  However, positive signs are on the horizon: next Tuesday is National 1^st Place Day, the day everyone in the country gets a 1^st place ribbon and a medal for being the best in the world at being themselves.

-- Pete Higgins