Parents See Danger in Fake Weed

CNN Headline – 2/8/13

Carmel, IN – Parents have worried about their children since Cain murdered Abel.  There are countless bodies of water to drown in, two-way streets to cross, and forks to plug into electric sockets that have agonized parents for generations.  Now parents have added fake weed to the ever-growing list of potential child dangers.

Just last month fake weed was but a blip on parents’ paranoia radar, but the recent Manti Te’o fake girlfriend scandal has made parents realize the reality of fake things. 

“I used to think fake weed, toy guns, and imaginary friends were all innocent aspects of growing up,” says Steve Adams, father of two teenage girls. “Not anymore though.  That Te’o guy got me thinking.  He had real feelings for a fake girl, or he faked real feelings for a real guy pretending to be a fake girl.  It’s confusing.  All I know is there’s no use pretending what you pretend isn’t real anymore.  Fake weed is real, and the fake harm it can cause, at this point, is unimaginable.”

Adams touches on perhaps the most frightening aspect of the fake weed dilemma: what becomes of children who pretend to smoke fake weed?  Right now the consequences are pure speculation.  Dr. Lydia Hurley, a pharmacologist at University of Cal-Berkley, has been theorizing on the effects of fake weed on children.  “It’s not the fake weed, so much, that scares me now.  Rather, what happens after the fake weed is smoked?  Fake weed could be a concocted gateway to a litany of other nonexistent drugs.  I mean, what’s next?  Fake heroin?  Fake robberies to get fake money for fake heroin? Fake suicides in fake prisons? Aids?  Truthfully, the consequences of smoking fake weed are limited only by our imaginations.”

The world has changed, and parents are trying their best to keep up.  “It’s a scary world we live in these days,” says Adams. “The line between fantasy and reality is blurred to the point where the only safe thing to do is to assume everything is real.  But at the same time be skeptical of everything, because you never know who’s lying to you about what.  And sometimes the realest things are actually the most fake.”

Sadly, the fake weed epidemic doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon.  And while parents struggle to keep tabs on all the fake dangers their children face in the real world, Dr. Hurley offers her advice, “Find someone to blame.  Whether it’s your child’s fake weed dealer, the internet, or the phony politicians who continue to ignore the problems of our false realities, it doesn’t matter.  Just blame someone.  It won’t actually change anything, but you’ll convince yourself you feel better; and delusion is the most powerful weapon against fake weed.”

- Pete Higgins