Relax! You'll Be More Productive

NY Times Headline - 2/14/2013

NEW YORK, NY – It’s tax season.  Ugh.  It’s February.  Gross.  Work is at a standstill, you’re spending more then you're making, and there’s no end in sight.  Sigh.  When the pressures of life start to build up and you feel like you just can’t take it anymore, there’s really only one thing you can do: relax!

That’s right, relax.  Kick off your shoes, make yourself a margarita (you deserve it!), find a cozy spot to sit, and just chill.  A new study conducted by the American Research Institute has concluded that Americans who feel they're underachieving in their lives or careers should just relax and stop stressing about things so much.

“Stuff just has a tendency to work itself out, you know?” claims ARI researcher Steven Davis in discussing the results of the Relaxation Study.  “People just get so stressed out about stuff these days that sometimes we forget to appreciate the little things, like cotton candy or hummingbirds.

“It’s not always about sending out that memo in time, or making sure a shipment has gone through.  When we start worrying too much about trivial things like fact-checking or improving quarterly profit margins, that stuff – we call it “work-goo” at ARI – can start to clog up our brains.  That’s no good.  If work-goo starts clogging our brains, then thought-bubbles have no room to escape our minds, and we are thusly less productive.  A great way to relieve harmful work-goo from the brain is simple relaxation.  The effects relaxation can have on the American middle class are tremendous.”

Some Americans may be skeptical of the new findings, some might struggle to believe that when you want to do more, all you really have to do is less.  It’s a valid point.  Past generations have been so hell-bent on preaching the value of hard work, its become so ingrained in our psyche, that some younger Americans doubt the importance of relaxation. 

Sophia Miller, a study participant, understands the trepidation, but offers another viewpoint. “I was skeptical at first, sure.  I was worried that if I stopped caring about my job, or even showing up at all, that it might result in a pay-cut or possibly getting fired.  Then I just said to myself, ‘Who cares?’ I mean, what's the worst that can happen?  America is like 95% middle class now, so it’s not like I can fall into the lower class.  And there’s no way I could move into the upper class, the system is too corrupt.  Truth be told, I wouldn’t wanna be one of those snobby 1%-ers even if I could.

“I’m perfectly content in the middle class,” Miller continued.  “It’s cozy here, and relaxing is fun.  I don’t have to worry about work anymore.  Even if they do fire me, hey, no biggie.  It’s not like I have to cut back my lifestyle.  Even poor people have smart phones now, and you can get a flat-screen TV for $300.  That’s only like, half of one week’s unemployment check.”

She’s right.  Poor people are getting richer everyday, and all they have to do is relax a bit.  It’s amazing; we’ve perhaps reached an American utopia.  “This is the American dream,” says Davis.  “The most productive guy on the block wakes up, cracks open a beer, flips on the tube, and gets a hummer.  It’s relaxation at its peak, and it’s beautiful.”

- Pete Higgins

Parents See Danger in Fake Weed

CNN Headline – 2/8/13

Carmel, IN – Parents have worried about their children since Cain murdered Abel.  There are countless bodies of water to drown in, two-way streets to cross, and forks to plug into electric sockets that have agonized parents for generations.  Now parents have added fake weed to the ever-growing list of potential child dangers.

Just last month fake weed was but a blip on parents’ paranoia radar, but the recent Manti Te’o fake girlfriend scandal has made parents realize the reality of fake things. 

“I used to think fake weed, toy guns, and imaginary friends were all innocent aspects of growing up,” says Steve Adams, father of two teenage girls. “Not anymore though.  That Te’o guy got me thinking.  He had real feelings for a fake girl, or he faked real feelings for a real guy pretending to be a fake girl.  It’s confusing.  All I know is there’s no use pretending what you pretend isn’t real anymore.  Fake weed is real, and the fake harm it can cause, at this point, is unimaginable.”

Adams touches on perhaps the most frightening aspect of the fake weed dilemma: what becomes of children who pretend to smoke fake weed?  Right now the consequences are pure speculation.  Dr. Lydia Hurley, a pharmacologist at University of Cal-Berkley, has been theorizing on the effects of fake weed on children.  “It’s not the fake weed, so much, that scares me now.  Rather, what happens after the fake weed is smoked?  Fake weed could be a concocted gateway to a litany of other nonexistent drugs.  I mean, what’s next?  Fake heroin?  Fake robberies to get fake money for fake heroin? Fake suicides in fake prisons? Aids?  Truthfully, the consequences of smoking fake weed are limited only by our imaginations.”

The world has changed, and parents are trying their best to keep up.  “It’s a scary world we live in these days,” says Adams. “The line between fantasy and reality is blurred to the point where the only safe thing to do is to assume everything is real.  But at the same time be skeptical of everything, because you never know who’s lying to you about what.  And sometimes the realest things are actually the most fake.”

Sadly, the fake weed epidemic doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon.  And while parents struggle to keep tabs on all the fake dangers their children face in the real world, Dr. Hurley offers her advice, “Find someone to blame.  Whether it’s your child’s fake weed dealer, the internet, or the phony politicians who continue to ignore the problems of our false realities, it doesn’t matter.  Just blame someone.  It won’t actually change anything, but you’ll convince yourself you feel better; and delusion is the most powerful weapon against fake weed.”

- Pete Higgins

Millennials Are The Most Stressed Out Generation

NBCNews Headline - 2/8/2013

Chicago, IL - There's no denying it, times are tough for Americans these days.  Unemployment is is up, Obamacare is failing, Mother Earth is angry, and Wall Street has raw-dogged the metaphorical asshole of the middle class so badly that many families have had to undergo drastic changes just to make ends meet.  But with many parents unable to pay their mortgages, and senior citizens screwed out of retirement, the American Psychological Association is reporting that it is America's youngest of adults that are actually struggling the most with regards to mental health.


On Friday, the APA released the surprising results of a recent poll showing that Millenials, or adults ages 18 to 34, are undergoing more stress than their parents' or grandparents' generations.  "The statistics speak for themselves," said APA medical editor Tonya Leberman.  "6.8% of 18 to 34 year olds reported a heightened level of anxiety while performing day to day activities, and 5.9% reported having trouble sleeping at night.  These numbers are extremely high when compared with the Baby Boomers', of whom reported 4.1% and 3.5%, respectively."

While everyone generally agrees that "Millenials" is probably the lamest excuse for a generational label since "Indians", one thing the APA cannot seem to understand is why this particular generation is reporting levels of stress so much higher than their preceding generations', given that all three groups listed economic factors as the root of their emotional distress.

For a deeper understanding, NBC reached Andrew Cavenough, a 23 year old poll participant working in ad sales in Chicago's River North area.

"For me, personally," Cavenaugh explained, "The problem is that the economy won't allow a large percentage of my generation to afford the lifestyles we were promised growing up." Cavenough continued to discuss how modern societal pressures contribute to his daily anxiety.  "For example, I work in advertising sales, but do you think I want to work in ad sales?  Hell no.  I was supposed to be VP of my dad's consulting company.  But what happened?  The company downsized, of course.  Now look at me."

For an opposing perspective, NBC reached out to Thaddeus McArner, who also participated in the poll.  McArner, a 73 year old manufacturing assistant, struggled to comprehend the hardship described by Cavenaugh.

"I don't really see what the problem is," said McArner from his home in the city's Pullman neighborhood.  "He seems like he's got a decent 9 to 5, he's got to make enough to at least keep the lights on, right?"

When asked for a response to McArner's comments, Cavenaugh quickly became dismissive.  "That's exactly the kind of thing someone from his generation would say.  See for old farts like him, things were much simpler growing up, because the cycle was the same for everyone.  You grow up on Main Street, go to war, come home, get a job at a department store, have 2.5 kids, and that's it.  Life was just that easy.

'Do you have any idea how competitive my generation is?  I couldn't just go to college, I had to go to a better college than anyone else my age.  I can't just get a job, I have to have a job in an office with a view better than my friends have.  I should show you my buddy, Todd's, instagram account.  The guy just posted a pic of his new Infinite Q50.  And my buddy Marco, he just tweeted at me from his vacation spot in Miami.  Do you have any idea how much overtime I had to put in just to be able to afford bottle service at Underground last new years eve?  I guarantee you that geezer McArner doesn't."

Refusing to allow the debate go any further, McArner closed with an admittance that he had no idea what the hell Cavenaugh was talking about.  "I guess he could be right," said McArner.  "Maybe things are a little bit more stressful for his generation."

McArner was then shown an updated status from Cavenaugh's Facebook page, which read "Another Friday night stuck at the office" with an accompanying picture of his desk, overlooking the downtown city skyline.

"Then again," added McArner, "Maybe his generation's just 2.7% more likely to bitch about it."

- Ian Swanson

What You Thought You Knew About Obesity is Wrong

CNN Headline – 2/5/13

Milwaukee, WI – Todd James is a 6^th grader at Whitefish Bay Middle School just outside Milwaukee. Todd enjoys the video game Call of Duty, watching movies with his friends, his mom’s homemade peanut-butter-covered Rice Krispie treat mallow-balls with a caramel-chocolate filled center, and the internet.  Todd James stands 4’9” and weighs 275 pounds.  Todd James is not obese.  Not anymore.

America’s new Self-Esteem Initiative, spearheaded by First Lady Michelle Obama, decries labeling kids like Todd as “fat” or “obese”.  Instead, as per the SEI mission statement, kids like Todd are “simply being themselves.  And kids need to know that being yourself is A-OK”.  If Todd is labeled at all, it should be as “Todd”, and "Todd" is super.

“American children should believe they are capable of anything,” says the First Lady.  “Just because you’re 100 pounds, 150 pounds overweight doesn’t mean you can't be a tri-athlete.  Who’s to tell an 8^th grader with the math aptitude of a kindergartener that he or she can’t build space shuttles?  If one of our paraplegic children believes in himself enough, he very well could become the next Michael Jordan.”

“Nothing should limit the children of our country, nothing should interfere with them achieving their dreams,” Obama continues.  “If you believe in yourself, and believe that you’re the very best at whatever you do, then you are, and to heck with anyone who says otherwise.”

Despite seemingly impossible goals, like Todd James’ desire to become the starting center on his middle school’s varsity basketball team, the SEI opines that unwavering self-esteem can overcome any roadblock the world might throw at a child.  “Take Todd, for example,” SEI spokesperson Timothy Twinkle explains, “he’s someone we used to call a fat, lazy, pathetic piece of shit, unfit for anything besides slowly dying in his mom’s basement.  Now, though, because we’ve given Todd the gift of self-esteem, he could walk onto that basketball court tomorrow and make starting center.  And even if he doesn’t, if he gets cut, we tell him it’s not his fault.  He didn’t fail.  Everyone else there failed to see how great Todd is, how he’s just as equally great as all those other kids.  Just because he spends most of his time eating and farting, and the other kids play basketball everyday after school doesn’t mean they’re any better then Todd.  They’re just different kinds of great.”

Even with self-esteem among American children at an all-time high, First Lady Obama believes the envelope can be pushed further still.  “I met a young girl the other day who told me she got cut from her school’s jazz ensemble.  They told her she wasn’t good enough, that she needed to change,” Obama says. “So she goes home everyday now and plays saxophone for hours, just because society told her she had to.  Our mission at SEI is to dispel these evil societal lies that tell us who we are isn’t good enough, that we need to get better.”

At this stage it’s hard to tell if the Self Esteem Initiative will gain traction throughout the nation and achieve their goals.  However, positive signs are on the horizon: next Tuesday is National 1^st Place Day, the day everyone in the country gets a 1^st place ribbon and a medal for being the best in the world at being themselves.

-- Pete Higgins

North Dakota Went Boom

NY Times Headline – 1/31/13

Bismarck, ND – Long thought of as a land where even the loneliest of cowboys wouldn’t travel, North Dakota, or more specifically, Bismarck, has become the hip-hop epicenter of our nation.  Whether it’s rappers like Deer Spitter, Far Go Nutz, Cowboy Wayne, or a group like the infamous Church per Capita, Bismarck has exploded onto the rap scene the past few months.

“Bismarck is real.  Lyrics are born on the streets, “ says Mumbai-born, Bismarck-bred rapper, Dakota Bagoda.  “I learned some of life’s hardest lessons on these streets.  Back when I had nothing to rely on but myself, my two loving parents, and the moderately successful grocery store they run.  Real shit, real life.  That’s Bismarck, that’s the ND.”

It’s unclear when, exactly, North Dakota became such a hotbed for aspiring rap artists, but many credit the success of Eminem’s 2002 semi-bio-pic, 8 Mile, for the upswing in rap interest.  “North Dakota is like, 98% white,” says rapper Sunny Smilez.  “So in 2007, when the 8 Mile VHS finally started to hit shelves all across the state, people began to realize not only what rap music is, but that you could be white and do it too.”

Regardless of the catalyst, there’s no denying the impact North Dakota rap has had on the music industry.  Legendary producer, Suge Knight of Death Row Records, says the ripple effect of North Dakota’s emergence has been felt in LA.  “They showed me you didn’t need to rap about murder, drugs, or bitches to make a successful rap album,” Knight claims.  “You could rap about foothills and prairie animals and turn it into some compelling shit.  Sitting horseback and staring up into the stars on a mild June night? That’s the type of shit LA kids can only dream about.  But those North Dakota niggers, man, they bring that shit to life.  They make it real.”

There’s a hip (-hop) new industry in North Dakota, and rap talent is flocking to it like it’s a diamond-studded jetski.  LA, New York, Detroit, and Chicago need to make room for the new rap capitol of the world, because North Dakota has finally done something people actually care about.

-- Pete Higgins