Crack Smoking Mayor: “I’m not going anywhere”

CNN Headline – 11/14/13

Toronto, CANADA – Roughly a month after admitting to the world that he has smoked crack-cocaine, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford confirmed suspicions Wednesday that he has no plans to do much of anything at all anytime soon, including leaving his apartment.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ford said via an AOL videochat from his couch at home. “I’m not doing anything, I’m not planning anything, and, after this, I’m not talking to anyone for awhile; a month or two at least. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Hell, I might even smoke crack again.”

While Ford’s statements might seem confusing to Americans, it’s a political strategy Canadians are all too familiar with. As it is written in the Fourth Law of Canada: “No man shall be removed from any elected position, unless by the King of Canada himself and even then only on Leap Day or the Spring Equinox.” So Ford has until at least March 20 to sit on his ass and play GTA; but his removal from office even then is questionable, considering the Canadian King has been Yeti hunting in the Yukon and unreachable for the past four months.

Ford denies that his unflappable job security is the driving force behind his decision to make no decisions. “The fact that the King is off doing his royal duty protecting our great nation from another Yeti attack making it basically impossible to, like, get fired, eh, isn’t why I'm hanging out at home all the time, eh,” Ford explains. “Sure, it’s definitely a perk of being Toronto Mayor, but the real reason is it’s pretty sweet just sitting around playing Call of Duty all day instead of going to meetings about budget, or schools, or like poverty or something? Wait, do we have poverty? You know what, eh, I don’t care.”

Asked if his crack smoking experience has factored into his inactivity, Ford began to get emotional. “Have you ever smoked crack, eh?” he asked, his voice shaking. “Heck no, I bet ya haven't. Well let me tell ya, it’s F’ing great. It’s like wrapping yourself in beaver pelts and pouring maple syrup all over yourself while an Eskimo jerks ya off, eh. When you do that, ya sure don’t feel like listening to French fellas drink tea, or whatever, and whine aboot national security, or whatever, eh. I just tell ‘em, “Let the Mounties ride moose and no one’ll mess with us, eh. Not the Mexicans, not the Alaskans, not even the Taliban, eh. But they don’t listen, so I smoke crack and it’s F’ing beautiful.”

This mindset might not fly in most countries, but Ford doesn’t think his participation in government – or lack thereof – affects the country in any way. “Canada’s fine, eh. I mean, I don’t have the numbers in front of me, eh, so I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think as a nation we’re something like 93% white; and if you count the Eskimos we’re up to about 98%. So, not to be racist or anything, eh, but when you look at it that way the Canada pretty much runs itself.”

Despite his extremely racist philosophy regarding domestic policy, Ford admits the 2% (according to his “statistics”) minority population is still essential in a functional Canada. “Minorities are absolutely necessary,” the Mayor explains. “I mean, I’ve never bought crack from a white guy.”

-Pete Higgins

Same, Old Pathetic Browns

CNN Headline – 9/19/13

CLEVELAND, OH – Over the past 13 years the Browns have always been something of a national laughingstock.  And yesterday, in news that surprised no one, patriarch Rob Brown was fired from his position as an assistant night watchman at Cleveland’s Legacy Village shopping mall, thus cementing the family’s status as one of the shittiest, most pathetic families in the nation.

Brown, 36, was let go by the shopping mall after almost 6 months of employment. It was the longest he has held a job in his life.  “When I saw Rob get home last night around 10:30 with a paper bag in hand, right away I knew what had happened. I had been expecting it for awhile actually,” says Rick Conway, one of the Browns many unfortunate neighbors. “I told my wife we better shut the windows and turn the TV up, it was gonna be a loud, long night across the street.”

Shouting, shattering glass, and crying babies were just some of the noises pouring out of the decrepit, two bedroom Brown family residence until 4 AM.  The “home”, which houses Rob, his wife, Charla, and their six children, sits behind a lawn littered with weeds, cinderblocks, and candy wrappers. Neighbors have been trying to get the Browns to at least take care of the lawn for years, but have been unsuccessful thanks to a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo.

“They’ve been there about a decade now,” Conway explains. “Been there since Charla got her foot ran over by a city bus and won some big lawsuit. At first they seemed like a nice enough couple – had one kid and another on the way – but neither was working. They were living on the lawsuit money. When Rob had to go back to work shit really hit the fan. Now, five kids, at least two-dozen jobs, and countless home visits courtesy of the Cleveland PD, here we are. At least the rest of the country is finally realizing just how shitty the Browns are.”

Although Rob Brown is a sure-fire bottom of the barrel scumbucket, he’s not alone in making the Browns one of the most deplorable American families. Charla, like her husband, is a high school dropout (obviously), who has spent her past 20 years working part-time in a beauty saloon (obviously), shitting out six kids on a fixed income (obviously), and developing a severe drinking problem (no shit).  Charla now spends her time making bedazzled hair ribbons no one will ever buy, and pretending like she gives a shit about her six horrendous children.

The oldest child, Tommy Jade, has two first names, the latter of which is barely a name. Tommy Jade is a crummy little shit of a kid who, at just 13 years old, has already been kicked out of two schools and possesses a chain wallet. Lisa Ann, 12, the second child, never stood a chance. With her dad either

drunk or pretending to look for a new job, Lisa Ann had only her older brother to look up to as a male role model; which is why Charla was angry, but deep down unsurprised when she found an unused condom in her oldest daughter’s backpack last month. All the other children are well on their way to becoming just as despicable as their loathsome parents; though it should be noted that the second youngest child (10 months) looks kinda Mexican-y, and might not be Rob’s biological son. So that kid might stand a snowball’s chance. However, the youngest child (3 months…I know, right?!) is perhaps the ugliest baby this reporter has ever had the displeasure of seeing.

So, yeah, the Browns situation is pretty hopeless. In fact, it’s been hopeless so long now that people around the Browns are starting to feel more and more apathetic themselves. “Nothing’s ever gonna change. They’re here now, and will be for awhile thanks to the shitty housing market,” Conway says. “I don’t know, I guess I don’t really care anymore. I just hope they don’t have any more kids. And maybe get a car that doesn’t back fire every time it starts, or go one Christmas without burning something in their front yard. God, this is depressing. At least it’s fall and I have football season to distract me…oh yeah. Shit.”

-Pete Higgins

Mark Wahlberg Earns High School Diploma At Age 42

MSNBC.com Headline 9/17/2013

HOLLYWOOD, CA - We've all kind of gotten the feeling over the years that Mark Wahlberg is kind of, well, you know, fucking stupid.  But apparently no one ever took the time to verify just how stupid the guy really is.  No matter, the south Boston native showed us his cards on this one.  In a column published Tuesday in the Huffington Post, the 42 year old actor revealed that he only just recently graduated from high school.  Apparently Wahlberg put a gun to the head of his formal education in the ninth grade, believing that there was nothing he would learn in school that he couldn't learn on his own.  Twenty-nine years later, though, the actor decided this was all a big mistake.  But while this ambitious and noble decision to finish what he'd started has drawn praise from many of his celebrated colleagues, what is really catching everyone by surprise is the reason he felt it was necessary to pick up the books again.

"I remember it like it was yesterday," Wahlberg told MSNBC's Carol Rosen on Tuesday.  "Me and some of the guys were watching MTV, and this commercial with Shannon Doherty came on for this thing, Education Connection.  She was talkin' about how she finally figured out how to make more money by finishing high school.  And then it hit me!"  Wahlberg went on to describe how after some quick soul searching, he decided he wasn't "going to end up like broke like the rest of those teeny bopper has-beens."  He enrolled in an online GED course the next day, and got right to work.

"What really stood out to me," Wahlberg claims, "was the part where she said that high school graduates earn 65% more than people that don't finish high school."  Rosen attempted to explain to Wahlberg that this statistic doesn't generally apply to well-known movie stars in show business.  But Wahlberg, who is listed at #28 on Forbes list of wealthiest actors with $53 Million, would have none of it.

"Do you want to know how much I'm be worth now that I've graduated high school?"  The actor produced a piece of loose leaf paper and a number 2 pencil.  Two minutes later, he held up the paper, with the number $87,450,000 circled at the bottom.  "The numbers don't lie."

- Ian Swanson