Toronto, CANADA – Roughly a month after admitting to the
world that he has smoked crack-cocaine, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford confirmed
suspicions Wednesday that he has no plans to do much of anything at all anytime
soon, including leaving his apartment.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Ford said via an AOL videochat
from his couch at home. “I’m not doing anything, I’m not planning anything,
and, after this, I’m not talking to anyone for awhile; a month or two at least.
And there’s nothing you can do about it. Hell, I might even smoke crack again.”
While Ford’s statements might seem confusing to Americans,
it’s a political strategy Canadians are all too familiar with. As it is written
in the Fourth Law of Canada: “No man shall be removed from any elected
position, unless by the King of Canada himself and even then only on Leap Day
or the Spring Equinox.” So Ford has until at least March 20 to sit on his ass
and play GTA; but his removal from office even then is questionable,
considering the Canadian King has been Yeti hunting in the Yukon and
unreachable for the past four months.
Ford denies that his unflappable job security is the driving
force behind his decision to make no decisions. “The fact that the King is off
doing his royal duty protecting our great nation from another Yeti attack
making it basically impossible to, like, get fired, eh, isn’t why I'm hanging
out at home all the time, eh,” Ford explains. “Sure, it’s definitely a perk of being
Toronto Mayor, but the real reason is it’s pretty sweet just sitting around
playing Call of Duty all day instead of going to meetings about budget, or
schools, or like poverty or something? Wait, do we have poverty? You know what,
eh, I don’t care.”
Asked if his crack smoking experience has factored into his
inactivity, Ford began to get emotional. “Have you ever smoked crack, eh?” he
asked, his voice shaking. “Heck no, I bet ya haven't. Well let me tell ya, it’s
F’ing great. It’s like wrapping yourself in beaver pelts and pouring maple
syrup all over yourself while an Eskimo jerks ya off, eh. When you do that, ya
sure don’t feel like listening to French fellas drink tea, or whatever, and
whine aboot national security, or whatever, eh. I just tell ‘em, “Let the
Mounties ride moose and no one’ll mess with us, eh. Not the Mexicans, not the
Alaskans, not even the Taliban, eh. But they don’t listen, so I smoke crack and
it’s F’ing beautiful.”
This mindset might not fly in most countries, but Ford
doesn’t think his participation in government – or lack thereof – affects the
country in any way. “Canada’s fine, eh. I mean, I don’t have the numbers in
front of me, eh, so I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think as a nation we’re
something like 93% white; and if you count the Eskimos we’re up to about 98%.
So, not to be racist or anything, eh, but when you look at it that way the
Canada pretty much runs itself.”
Despite his extremely racist philosophy regarding domestic
policy, Ford admits the 2% (according to his “statistics”) minority population
is still essential in a functional Canada. “Minorities are absolutely
necessary,” the Mayor explains. “I mean, I’ve never bought crack from a white
guy.”
-Pete Higgins
