Hunt Planets From Home

CNN Headline – 4/14/11

Washington D.C. – People are growing sick and tired of going to outer space. What has been almost commonplace for literally dozens of people over the last 4 decades is starting to become a chore for the American public as well. For those of us unwilling to put in years of training and preparation all for one stupid little planet hunting trip amongst the stars, good news is on the way. Researchers at NASA and Rockstar Games have teamed up and are developing a new technology that will allow us to hunt and destroy defenseless planets without the chore of having to go all the way to outer space.

The lure of blowing planets into oblivion is pretty goddamn self-evident to me, but my uber-fucking-picky editors want me to explain why this awesomeness is happening. So, despite most likely coming off as an idiot, I asked NASA engineer Stephen Blemica to explain why NASA and Rockstar were developing this kick-ass technology. “Americans are all about what’s new and what’s fresh,” Blemica said. “And going to outer space has been done. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and almost definitely several others have been there, done that. So to most Americans physically being in outer space is no big deal. Also it takes a lot of hard work to get there, which no one wants to do. So we decided it was time to team up with a company like Rockstar, which we knew through playing GTA and Red Dead Redemption, and develop something we could market to an average American. We contemplated what aspect of outer space we wanted to offer consumers, going over everything from gravity space bounces to making it with an alien, but deep down we knew all along what everyone wants to do in outer space. And that’s blow up a planet.”

The timing couldn’t be better. Americans are so bored with things these days, that it’s almost impossible to find something that can capture someone’s attention beyond 140 characters. Rockstar marketing executive, CJ Johnson, believes this is the ideal time in our country’s history to start marketing technology that can blow up planets from couches. “People don’t care about experiencing things anymore,” he said. “Why go two-million light years into outer space, when you can blow the shit out of some dumpy planet from your couch? Why go talk to people and socialize when you can just go on facebook and make friends, or jack-off to pictures of hot girls you’d have to otherwise go to a bar to see? Why slave over a meal when Easy Mac is virtually the same thing? It’s 2011 and doing things just doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s not a very economic use of your time, and if the downfall of the economy has taught us anything it’s that it is incredibly important to be economic – technically speaking.”

NASA and Rockstar will initially sell this technology at a price only tycoons or moguls can afford, but both companies claim it isn’t all about the benjamins. “It isn’t all about the benjamins, I mean, not 100% completely,” said Johnson. “The money will be nice, sure, but our goal is to produce this technology on such a large scale that anyone with a trust fund and a comfortable couch can hunt and destroy a planet without missing any of the awesome TV that’s on at night these days. We want to make this technology available to normal people, people like me or you, people who, since they were able to remember, have dreamed about going to outer space, finding some shitty little planet that just rubs them the wrong way, aiming a laser ray-gun at it, and blowing it to a billion little pieces. For all the people who started smoking weed, or drinking, and got fat or something along the way so that they couldn’t go to astronaut school anymore, and lost track of that childhood dream, well, now we can help them rediscover what they lost so long ago.”

Sounds beautiful, majestic even, like what it must look like to see an entire planet explode from the inside out. I, for one, can’t fucking wait.

-Pete Higgins

Dr. Drew On What Men Really Want

"Blowjobs."

-Pete Higgins

Grandma Invites Gang Members Into Home

CNN Headline - 4/8/2011

Chicago, IL - Martha Greenwalk didn't wake up Friday morning with the intention of starting the newest chapter of the West Side Souljas, but fate has a funny way of intervening, in what would have otherwise been a fairly routine Friday morning for the 86 year old grandmother.  "I was planning on waking up a little earlier than usual, so I could crush up Walter's pills and mix them into his morning oatmeal."  Apparently Walter, her 88 year old husband of 65 years, absolutely refuses to take his doctor prescribed medication, which helps ease the pain caused by arthritis.  "He says he hates the way it tastes, and that Dr. Jenkins is a fraud.  But then he complains about how much his fingers hurt all day.  I laugh sometimes about how oblivious he is."

     Around 8:30AM, three members of Chicago's local West Side Souljas gang broke through the back door wielding automatic weapons, attempting to pull an an armed robbery on the elderly couple.  But where most residents would hide in fear and attempt to contact the police, Martha took a different approach.  "I busted in and said 'bitch getcho wrinkley fat  ass on da flo'," recalls 23 year old Tarrell Watson (AKA Sho-T).  "But the bitch didn't even move, she just asked how school was and if I had eaten yet today."

     Martha recalled the entrance, "When Michael came home, I could tell he'd had a rough day," said Martha.  "He's been having some problems with bullies at his junior high school.  And I was glad to see that his friends Martin and Edwin were with him.  They really are nice boys."

     "He's in high school now," replied Walter from his chair in the living room.

     "Eighth grade is still junior high school, Walter," Martha yelled back.  "We've been over this a hundred times.  Anyways, it's that darn Ronald Scalford from main street.  He likes to give Michael a good roughhousing every once in a while on account of Michael being short for his age.  I really wish the school would do something about that blockhead."

     Martha invited each of the boys to sit down with Walter in front of the picturebox, while she fixed them a plate of carrots and cheeses.  Walter was watching his stories, but Martha assured the three gang members that they could change the channel to anything they wanted, and whispered that Walter couldn't hear that well anyways.  "I heard that," said Walter.

     "Straight talk, we all thought we were trippin' at first," said Mo-Skeet, another one of the gang members.  "But once we realized what was happening, we knew we'd found the perfect place to set up shop."  The gang moved quickly, arranging for a drop of fourteen pounds of Afghan Kush, along with fifteen pounds of Columbian White Widow - both extremely potent strands of marijuana.

     "We weren't worried at all about the turnover, especially once we got holda da wid'," said third gang member Scan-Tron, the gang's expert narcotics transporter.  "The kush though, people seen dat shit befo, an it don' move nearly as fast.  We ain' had no choice but to outsource."

     The group threw a party that night at the Greenwalk home, inviting members of rival gang, the ghostface assassins.  "The idea was simple," began Scan-Tron.  "We'd call up a few GAs that we knew from our homies back in the hood, and tell 'em we had a business proposition for them that would end in profits for both gangs.  We'd tell them we were giving them 50% off the kush, and that we wanted 50% of the profits.  That way we could expand onto more turf and move it faster than just limiting it to our hood.  The plan seemed flawless"

     The party started off epic, with numerous Souljas in attendance, many of whom brought hos along for what was sure to be a night that was truly off the chain.  Three of the rival GAs showed up to discuss business, and for a while it seemed as though everyone might actually get along.  Martha made her signature bean casserole, which was a huge hit with the gang, but refused to identify the ingredients to any of the hos in attendance.

     "I could tell some of the girls really liked Michael," said Martha of the girls at the party.  "I'm not surprised, he's very handsome, and he's also a really impressive dancer, just like his father," Martha said, flashing a quick smile in Walter's direction  Sho-T is actually known for his dancing amongst the gang.  He even pulled off the Sho-T lookaway during a breakdancing performance mid-way through the night, celebrating by making it rain all over a sleeping Walter, who had not moved from his chair since the three gang members initially arrived that morning.  Martha was quick to help Sho-T pick up the bills, warning him that he has to be more careful with his money, or some hoodlums like Ronald Scalford could come up and steal it.  "I'm always telling Michael that he would forget his head if it weren't screwed on," laughed Martha. "Right Walter, aren't I always saying that?"

     In the early morning hours of Saturday, however, the night turned sour.  A fist-fight broke out, and the fight quickly moved to the front lawn.  Never one not to back up a homie in trouble, Sho-T stepped in.  "I straight knocked one dem mawfuckas out," said Sho.  "But then another one came outa nowhere and hit me wit da butt of his gat.  When I went down, I was sure he would have shot me."

     Sho-T would have been shot too, had it not been for Martha.  Hearing the commotion outside, the 86 year old immediately leapt to the rescue like a lion protecting its cubs.  In one swift motion, Martha hit the threatening gang member over the head with a frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  "Take that, Ronald Scalford!"

     With the rival gang member unconscious on the grass outside her home, Martha helped Sho-T to his feet and assured him that Ronald Scalford is just insecure about his own weight, which is why he picks on smaller kids like Michael.  "Even though I still think violence is wrong, sometimes you just need to send a message," state Martha.  She then led him inside to get a steak for Sho-T to put on his eye.

     Heeding Martha's words, the remaining members of the GAs were each shot once in the right foot by the large possy of Souljas at the party, and told to tell their peoples not to fuck with the West Side Souljas.  Walter Greenwalk did not wake up from his nap Friday evening, and is believed to have died from natural causes.  A liquor pour out is scheduled for 11:00PM this Sunday.

     -Ian Swanson

5 Ways to Deal With Workplace Drama-Queens

CNN Headline – 4/6/11

Scranton, PA. – There’s one in every office, factory, warehouse, restaurant, or wherever else business is conducted. They are not only the center of the workplace, but of the known world. Their problems forcibly become your problems, their worries your worries, and their periods your worst nightmare. They are, of course, the workplace drama-queens. They’re persistent and unavoidable, but with these five helpful tips you’ll find you can tolerate them without committing homicide.

1. Smile and Nod

This is by far the most commonplace technique used against workplace drama-queens. It’s very simple and requires only minimal effort on your part. When Sharon from customer service meanders over to your cubicle for the third time before lunch to discuss her fat mom’s upcoming “life-threatening liposuction medical surgery procedure”, simply smile and nod. It’s really all she’s looking for as far as conversation. Her agenda in this “conversation” is two-fold: first, she wants to hear the sound of her own voice, and secondly, she wants to practice sounding sympathetic because it’s how she’s gotten this far in life and has become her only skill. In all honesty, she’d be perfectly content to sit and talk at a wall for three hours. Unfortunately, in our backwards society, this behavior is considered insane. So Sharon will find you. And she will talk at you. And when she does, just smile and nod and hope she goes away.

2. Over-Encourage

Perhaps the most complex resolution to the drama-queen problem is to over-encourage, sympathize, and agree with everything the drama-queen says. The idea here is that a positive over-reaction to the drama-queen’s ramblings is such an unusual reaction that it will confuse and disorient the drama-queen. Your unanticipated reaction will scare the drama-queen. It’s not expecting to find someone else on the brink of death because of an unjust traffic ticket. This foreign response will initially frighten the drama-queen and how it reacts to fear will determine whether you have successfully used the over-encourage technique. If you continue with positive reinforcement, the drama-queen may look at you, and without realizing it, see itself in the mirror. It will be horrified of the bubbling insane mess looking back at it, and will avoid you purely out of fear. Or maybe the fear manifests itself into hatred. The drama-queen will realize you are essentially another version of itself, and there is no room for two drama-queens in one workplace. A rivalry will blossom in the drama-queen’s mind, and you will be avoided because of an overwhelming hatred. The final possible outcome, and what makes this technique so risky, is the drama-queen overcoming it’s fear of the unknown and believing it’s finally found a peer that truly understands it. If this is the case, it will cling to you like the fat guy in the office clings to other people’s leftovers. Good luck.

3. Completely Ignore

If you find smiling and nodding just isn’t cutting it, and being nice, even if it’s fake-nice, to that fucking cunt Jen is unimaginable, you may want to try to just completely ignore her. This technique is not for the weak. It will push your patience to limits you didn’t think possible. Your part in this technique is pretty straightforward, it’s how well you pull it off, how strict you are, that makes all the difference. You have to go beyond the usual petty, passive-aggressive ignoring you do on a daily basis and bump it up a couple levels to complete and utter disregard for Jen’s being. This means absolutely no words can be spoken to her or about her in her presence. And no eye contact under any circumstance. Even when she’s not explaining theories on who her boyfriend is sleeping with, when she’s acting like another functioning member of society, when she gives you a kind smile and a “good morning”, you have to be strong, walk right past her without acknowledging her simple morning pleasantry or existence at all. She is not there.

4. Berate to the Tipping Point

Drama-queens don’t understand non-verbal cues like human beings, so when good old-fashioned ignoring it doesn’t work, you have to become verbally abusive. Tell it it’s fat. Constantly remind her that her boyfriend probably left her because she wasn’t pretty enough. Let it slip that corporate is considering cutbacks, and her department is first up. Don’t be afraid to remind her about that time last year she got drunk at the Christmas party and threw up on the intern she thought was “super hot”. Sometimes the drama-queen is a gay guy. If this is the case, be ready to drop not-so-subtle hints that you disapprove of it’s sexual orientation. Be mean. Always, unrelenting, and forever. This should drive the drama-queen away for good. If the drama-queen ever threatens a sexual harassment lawsuit as a result of your berating, there’s only one thing left to do…

5. Murder

So maybe there are only four ways to resolve your drama-queen problem that don’t end in homicide. Whatever. The best way is to follow the drama-queen home one day. That way you know it’s route. Sometime later, wait around some dark corner on the route, preferably close to an alley with lots of dumpsters. As the drama-queen approaches, jump out with a rag soaked in chloroform. Drag it into the u-haul truck you rented (pay with cash) that’s waiting around the corner with it’s inside compartment covered in plastic. Cut her up, bag her, and throw her in a few of the dumpsters. Make sure to do this the day before garbage day. If all goes as planned, that’s the last you’ll ever see of that drama-queen. But make sure your knives are sharp and you have plenty of plastic wrap leftover, cause there’s another drama-queen coming to your workplace soon.

(We apologize for making you look at Sarah Jessica Parker)

-Pete Higgins