Boston, MA - In a bizarre twist of politics, America's favorite mormon, Mitt Romney, is in the news again for something that happened years ago. Days after the Washington Post released a story exposing Romney as a gay-bashing bully of his Detroit high school, the Republican candidate for the Presidency held a press conference to clear the air on an incident he apparently can't remember.
Facing nearly 30 journalists, Romney released a well-crafted statement of apology for his actions over 40 years ago. "I want you all to know that I never meant for Javaris Tatum to die, and the fake lynching the guys and I had goin' was nothing more than some simple hazing and high school hijinks. I assure you all, his death was nothing more than a total goof."
After a brief moment of confusion, USA Today correspondent Leanne Italie reminded the presidential hopeful that the concern is over an incident that took place in which Romney allegedly bullied classmate and presumed homosexual John Lauper while in high school, and not an apparent racially motivated homicide.
"Oh, you mean Dick-Lip Lauber?" Romney responded with a laugh. "I haven't thought of that cum dumpster in years!" Romney then continued on reminiscing about another time when he and Tom Clairmont wrote "J L will S your D" on Lauber's locker. "You should have seen his face!" Romney exclaimed enthusiastically. "That semen-slurper didn't know whether to cry or call his mom."
After watching with amazement for a few minutes as Romney laughed ferociously, eerily maintaining eye contact with CNN correspondent Tracy Rodriguez the entire time, Romney was reminded that the alleged incident involved Romney holding Lauber down on the floor and cutting off Lauber's hair.
"Oh, snipping was trendy at the time. There's really no better way to mess with someone for licking someone else's cinnamon ring than to take a pair of scissors to that man's head." Romney explained. "My grandfather taught me that.
Romney's grandfather was not available for comment.
-Ian Swanson
Romney's grandfather was not available for comment.
-Ian Swanson
