CNN Headline – 4/29/11
London, England – For the first time since 2005, a Royal British wedding was successfully completed from courtship, through engagement, and down to the final kiss, without the help of Alex “Hitch” Hitchens.
Hitchens, more affectionately known as Hitch to the countless couples he has played matchmaker-God with, has for years been relied upon by ugly uggos looking to “score” the woman of their dreams. “I just sets the peoples up, and let love runs its course,” Hitch said via email from America, where he was stuck watching the wedding coverage on television like an everyday sap – an unfamiliar position for a man of his stature.
“Peoples usually relies on me to helps with the findings and datings of a pretty young womans. Good peoples. Peoples who may deserves, but otherwise wouldn’t be able to obtains, these beautifuls womans,” Hitch wrote in the obviously very emotional email. “I’ve’s beens helpings the Royal Familys for years, as theys kids is usuallys pretty ugly, with the findings and datings of a womans propers enough to be a princess. I just…I just can’t believes they didn’t wants the Hitch.”
Hitch has been involved, in some way or another, in every royal relationship since the 2005 documentary about his business and relationship with Eva Mendes was released. He was stunned to discover Prince William would not require his services to court college girlfriend Kate Middleton. “I was shocked, like, shockeds,” Hitch emailed. “I mean, hows could they expects to find loves without a Hitch? It’s almost likes a slaps in the face.”
The royal couple seemed unaware of the offense they had created by not even contacting Hitch to help them fall in love. When asked how they planned to truly find love without a Hitch, Prince William responded, “Our love may not be quite as traditional as some of Brittan has grown accustomed to, but we love each other. Truly, deeply, and naturally. I know Mr. Hitch has tried very hard to help my brother Harry, but I thought eHarmony might be a more efficient route to true love, and,” Prince William paused to look longingly and romantically into the eyes of Kate Middleton, “I know I made the right decision.”
Hitch, understandably, sees things differently. “You don’t finds loves on the internets,” he wrote. “You finds loves using subtle and innocent manipulations, white lies, and carefullys arranged encounters, all occurring through a series of hilarious misunderstandings. You finds loves with Hitchs. A thankyous.”
